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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay my ex to look after dcs

24 replies

xmasbaba2014 · 29/01/2019 17:10

I have 2 daughters aged 2 and 4. (Also two older DC's but they have a different dad and not really relevant to this situation) Both girls diagnosed with ASD. I split with their dad almost two years ago due to him lying, drinking, stealing and cheating. Since then I have been a SAHM. In September I managed to find a job that is one weekend day a week (12 hour shift) which suited me perfectly as I couldn't work weekdays. The DC's are in 4 different schools so between school runs, appointments for the smaller two etc it just wouldn't be possible logistically. I spoke to ex about the job and asked him would he mind DDS the day I work instead of paying maintenance, he has never paid any since he left. He agreed. I started the job in September. Two weeks later he said he wanted to be paid £30 for the days he minded them. I earn £58 for the day by the time my benefits are adjusted. I really wanted to keep the job, it's in an area I worked hard to get a degree in and I don't want to be out of work for any longer than I have to. So I agreed. This weekend he wanted £50! I refused and gave him £30 but I'm getting really fed up now. I hate the fact I'm leaving my babies all day just to hand him most of my wages. Realistically I couldn't afford to pay a childminder, I'd be paying more than I'm earning. But it sickens me that on top of not paying maintenance he's also making me pay him. He says I'd have to pay someone anyway so it may as well be him.
He doesn't work himself and honestly has never even bought a nappy for the girls since he left. Not even a Christmas present. AIBU in thinking he's totally taking advantage of the situation?

OP posts:
PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 29/01/2019 17:11

Does he work? If so I would enforce child maintenance from him and use that to pay a childminder when you are at work.

PippilottaLongstocking · 29/01/2019 17:12

He’s their parent, not a babysitter! He’s not ‘minding’ them and definitely shouldn’t be being paid - in fact he should be paying maintenance as well as having them while you work!

mimibunz · 29/01/2019 17:13

Nope. Get yourself some free legal assistance. He needs to get a job and pay for his children that he isn’t currently providing for. Do you have any family or friends to support you emotionally?

pyramidbutterflyfish · 29/01/2019 17:13

Unless this is his cunning plan to win deadbeat dad of the year and split the winnings with you, he’s an utter tool and I’d refuse to pay him on principle. FFS.

RandomMess · 29/01/2019 17:13

Claim via the CMS if he gets benefits they will deduct £5 per week or similar- worth it on principle Angry

KatharinaRosalie · 29/01/2019 17:14

So the going rate is 30 per day and 50 for a weekend? Invoice him for the time you take care of the DC. Should be quite a hefty amount by now.

AllStar14 · 29/01/2019 17:16

Wow stop paying him! There must be some other option, you should not be paying him to have his own children it's ridiculous and he is taking the fucking piss. How can you even stand to be around someone like that?

Gizlotsmum · 29/01/2019 17:17

Pay him but take him through court/cms for maintenance

Original poster
xmasbaba2014 · 29/01/2019 17:22

@mimibunz No family support, they don't bother with the girls so I've given up trying to get them to take an interest. I do have a partner but we don't live together yet and she has her own daughter, work etc but she's a massive support emotionally
@AllStar14 I actually hate the sight of him but I hate the idea of leaving this job.

OP posts:
HollyGoLoudly1 · 29/01/2019 17:25

No way should you be paying. Please don't give him another penny. Does he see them at other times when your not paying him? Why would he expect paying now you've started working? He sounds great Confused

Is there anyone else who can help? Is the older DCs dad more helpful? Hope you can find a solution - your ex doesn't deserve a single pound from you!

SearchingForSeaGlass · 29/01/2019 17:26

I can appreciate that you want to keep costs down, but if he's the type to charge you for this, what sort of relationship do the girls have with him anyway? Do you think he's looking after them properly?
It just seems really sad that he wants to be paid to see his children. Given their diagnoses, you presumably need to know they're getting the right sort of care too?

mimibunz · 29/01/2019 17:33

gizlotsmum might have a good point. Pay him, but not £30, say £20, but take him to court. Just act like you are going along to get along. Are his parents involved with the children? Definitely don’t quit your Saturday job.

Original poster
xmasbaba2014 · 29/01/2019 17:39

@HollyGoLoudly1 Older DC's dad isn't much better but he does have them for regular weekend access and I managed to fit my work days around the days that he has them. They're old enough to spend the day with a friend if he can't take them so it's not as difficult

OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 29/01/2019 17:40

He thinks he's got you over a barrel, and sadly you are a bit stuck. I would say to him he either accepts £25, which is in no way fair on you to have to pay, or you will have up up your job and you'll go after him for maintenance, even if it's just a fiver he'll be worse of. Your other option is to work more than 16 hours and you'll get help towards child care

EvaHarknessRose · 29/01/2019 17:44

Of course he is taking advantage he’s a lying cheating addict.

Fontofnoknowledge · 29/01/2019 17:49

This is a really tricky one.

Every bone in my body says there is no way you should be paying a parent to look after his children.

HOWEVER.... If he is the only option and this job has a potential to lead to something more - where you will be in the position to tell him to do one... then it's the best option for the time being. You have few options if you want to keep the job and there are no others to provide care.

Is there any chance Ex parents would help if your parents are useless ? I doubt a grandparent would charge but then again they have spawned this complete arsehole , so not great role models I guess.

I would keep my eye on the long term outcome if there is one.
If there isn't a realistic possibility of this leading to something better. Then stop and try again when both at school.

formerbabe · 29/01/2019 17:50

God, this is just awful.

I agree with the pp who said to invoice him for all the childcare you've been doing as a single parent.

He sounds vile.

Fontofnoknowledge · 29/01/2019 17:52

Actually Homemadearmy makes a good point. Find another 4 hrs in the week and claim childcare with a regulated Cm or childcare if you can find one that does Saturday.

That'll screw him and make you better off. Then fill in those forms and get the tiny amount deducted from his benefits. Pay back time !

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 29/01/2019 17:54

I’m sorr, I didn’t read the bit where you said be doesn’t work. I would still go to CMS to get a deduction from any benefits he gets.

Can you see if any of your children’s friends’ parents will look after them in exchange for you doing reciprocal childcare during the week for them?

mimibunz · 29/01/2019 17:59

And whilst you’re dealing with his sorry arse can you get the dad of the first 2 to help with them financially? If he hasn’t paid anything then he should step up. These men have left you high and dry, and it’s time you got yours. Just play the long game as PP suggested.

Inliverpool1 · 29/01/2019 17:59

Jesus just when you think you’ve heard it all. There will be a childminder tyat woeks Saturday somewhere

MistressDeeCee · 29/01/2019 18:13

I think you have to give up your job.

Sometimes we just have to do what's best for ourselves AND our DCs at particular times in life.

There's lots I wanted to do as a single parent when mine were little. But I couldn't. I had to wait. Their dad was utterly useless so I understand how you feel.

It's shit .But time flies and when both DCs grew older, I got my time back. Initially with a job that fit around school hours, then took it from there.

You have no family support. You earn a low wage and can't afford childcare. If you tell your stupid ex you can't afford to pay him - he will let you down with 'childcare'🙄 so that you can't go to work.

I just think you're going to stress yourself out over all this, and it won't be resolved.

By the way he can be made to pay at least something. Even a few pounds a week as he's on benefits. I would claim that.

He'll be even less likely to play his part as a parent but so be it I guess.

You don't have reliable affordable childcare and their dad seems an utter waste of space. So something has to give.

It won't be forever.

Original poster
xmasbaba2014 · 29/01/2019 18:14

Thanks for all the replies. A couple of you asked about ex's parents. Both have passed away. He has several siblings but none of them ever bothered with the girls, most of them never even met them. He doesn't speak to any of his family and tbh most of them have their own issues with alcohol or MH so probably not in a position to provide much help.
I don't live in the UK so although we have a subsidised childcare scheme here it wouldn't be available at weekends, although I will look into it a bit more and make sure. It's such a frustrating situation.

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 29/01/2019 19:47

If weekend care isn’t available I’d look at starting to offer it yourself sounds like you’d make more money doing that

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