Am stay at home Mum although last year was studying and this year hope to return to work. AIBU to feel like husband not doing enough...
TYPICAL DAY FOR HUSBAND
- Wakes up between 10:30am
- Makes breakfast for himself and gets ready on own until 11am
- Goes to work
- Returns from work at around 6pm and does ONE of the following feeds son dinner sometimes or sometimes might read books to him before bed or brush teeth or help with bath. Sometimes does none of those jobs. May sometimes cook sausages (once or twice a week).
- I put toddler to bed which takes on average an hour of lying with him.
- Husband does dishes and cleans up in kitchen most of time but there are probably only small pile. If I cook I will clean up big dishes.
- Often I will take son out for dinner to avoid stress of bed time duties as it gets so stressful with husband there.
- Husband goes to gym for 1.5 hours most nights which he enjoys and sometimes goes to local shop for odd and sods.
- Husband watches TV/listens to podcasts until 12am
Husband does interact with toddler but it's incidental, no active play sessions etc.
TYPICAL WEEKEND FOR HUSBAND
I look after toddler from 6:30 am until 8pm each night with the exception of Sunday afternoons when Husband takes him to park or Nanna's while I rest.
Added to this Husband often MIA when he has a migraine or is unwell and so will not help for 2 days at a time about once a month. I have taken my son on two weekend breaks and my husband stayed at home so he could rest.
I don't think he has enjoyed becoming a Dad as he is depressed and not coping with the pressure. He loves our little boy but I suspect he is anxious and depressed. He won't go on medication or get counselling. He says he has tried everything for migraines.
Sometimes if I have hit rock bottom he will have a wave of being helpful. However when I had postnatal depression it was out of the question that he would takeover while I went into hospital - this wasn't an option.
I don't know if I'm lacking motivation, energy, coping skills and failing as a Mum or if I just need more support.
Until recently Mother in Law helped 1-2 days a week which was really helpful when I was studying and when son wasn't sleeping but this meant husband helped less. Toddler is now going into daycare so I should get a break before starting work a couple of days a week.
I just feel like I don't have a strong support or know whether he will be sick which seems to be often, or have a sore back or be stressed and grumpy. I am often taking toddler to water park, pool, beach, park often on my own.
Husband has been abusive and hit me in moments of rage - he was exhausted though and it was heated fight, I feel like he's just worn out/anxious and our fighting is volatile as we both say really mean things to one another.
Husband says that the reality is I'm a stay at home Mum and that's my job and that I don't do his job so why should he do mine. He also complains a lot about his life, money and migraines and pain so I end up feeling guilty. On very occasional I've asked him to wake up early because I am exhausted or just not coping, he has been so angry that it wasn't even worth asking. I feel like I'm leaning on a flimsy husband which in a way isn't his fault but it isn't mine.
I have cash to buy a house outright and am wondering if I should leave. The relationship is a rollercoaster with him often yelling at me if toddler wakes up in middle of night and I don't handle in the way he thinks I should. He is explosive and angry and annoyed about my post pregnancy weight gain.
Should I just leave ?
Confused.