Step Aunt has died... Aibu

[darkriver19886]

Got a phone call this morning from my mother sobbing down the phone that my stepfathers sister has died unexpectedly after an infection.

My internal reaction when she told me was "....and?"

I am not a monster honestly but, I havent spoke to any of my step father's family since I disclosed serious sexual abuse 13 years ago.

I feel like I should be sad, I think my mum expected me to be sad but, I am not.

Obviously I am having a reaction to post it on here but, I am not sure what I am supposed to be feeling.

There's no reason for you to feel anything much, if at all. However your mum obviously liked her and I presume the sexual abuse you suffered didn't come from that aunt.

Maybe just hearing about that part of the family brought back bad memories, darkriver. I'm so sorry.

(lBe prepared for another phone call from your mother telling you about the funeral.)

Is your mother still with your stepdad? If it was him and she is still with him I think you should go non contact with her to protect yourself. Nevermind your step dad's family. Your own family should have had your back.

@bernadette I am working up it. She has never believed me and infact remarried him again a few years ago.

Wow, two posts in and there's random advice to go no contact with your mum, OP. This place is strange sometimes. It sounds as if your mum's upset and wanted to share it and be comforted. I don't imagine she expects you to feel as she does.

I'm really sorry you experienced what you did.

Was your DM close to this woman? If so then fair enough that she's upset, although I think she should be telling someone else rather than you (given your past). My DM often rings me with 'devastating' news about so and so, and I just think 'oh, right'. Because I usually either don't know these people very well, or I don't like them. She thinks I'm a cold fish, I think she's a drama queen. I'm not prepared to pretend to be sad just to please other people. If someone's death does not affect you, it's not like you're saying you're glad they are dead, you're just saying that you weren't close. And that's okay. There's a woman from my family's past - an old neighbour we saw a lot of - who none of us were that keen on. She's ill at the moment, and my DM - who never had a good word to say about this woman - is full of woe 'oh poor X, it's so awful', etc. I can't do that: if I didn't like a person, I'm not going to pretend I did now that they are gone.

You don't have to comfort your mother about the death of your abuser's sister. You don't have to be sad either.

@blue I find it hard to give anything other then the basic care. Its tangled in so much feeling. I am in therapy so will discuss it with my therapist on Friday.

I get she is sad but, yeah she shouldn't be ringing me. She posted it on Facebook before she rang me anyway but I didn't see it.

Well she is as bad as him then imo.

Fuck what any of them think, you just focus on yourself and protect your emotions. They haven't ever put you first so don't put them before your needs (emotional or physical) ever again.

Your family and step family have proven that they are either abusers or culpable in the abuse you suffered and they don't deserve one minute of your headspace.

I'm not telling you that you should be nc because that is a very personal decision that you need to make for yourself but really the truth is they none of them including your mother deserve the privilege of being allowed to be part of your life! Especially when the reality is that this life is one you built for yourself alone because they not only didn't help you build it but actively knocked you lower than everyone's else's "starting" point so you've had a lot of extra climbing (on your own) to get where you are now!

My whole post is just a way to say simply that you deserve better than this, you've always deserved better than this!

@bluelady it is not strange to let a woman know that just because they are blood relatives that means she has to be in a relationship with someone who stayed (and remarried) the man sexual abused her, while at the same time telling her she didn't believe her!

I mean really who (especially the op!) cares if this woman is upset.

Sorry dark I'm not trying to hijack your thread.

Good luck

"And I should be sad that a child abuse apologist is dead....why?"

I agree with the PP, NC with all of them. And tell her why in no uncertain terms.

You don't have to feel anything OP and you shouldn't feel, and I can't say I'm surprised you aren't sad given the history. Have you spoken to your DM about not wanting to hear about stepfather/family? If so and she has gone ahead and rang you anyway I would be going very low contact, it isn't fair on you for her to bring these things up when she knows it will be difficult for you. Glad to hear you have a therapist to work through all this with, good luck

Ginky,
It's fine. Honestly.

I know NC is the best but, it's going to take me a while to get to that stage in all honesty. I only unfollowed her 24 hours ago. Which actually bought an incredible amount of guilt.

When I revealed my abuse the entire family stopped talking to me for five years and then my mother rang me when my sister returned to her life.

It's been a huge tangle for 13 years of disbelief that they never believed me, guilt I told the truth. A desperate stupid need for my mum to love me.

I then discovered last year that she must have known as it's on social worker records.

Bluelady
Wow, two posts in and there's random advice to go no contact with your mum, OP. This place is strange sometimes. It sounds as if your mum's upset and wanted to share it and be comforted.

I'm surprised the OP has any contact with her mother at all, given the history. Her mother sounds oblivious to what the OP's had to deal with, and that mention of the SF's family might possibly bring up unhappy memories.

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through OP, and that your mother isn't more understanding. Unfortunately some people have no emotional intelligence, they're incapable of understanding what causes upset to others. It doesn't make them bad people, just lacking in empathy.

@Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom hear, hear!

Oh goodness, this is worse than I imagined. Your mother actually remarried your abuser? You poor, poor girl.t All I can think is he has done a number on your mum, something sexual abusers regularly do.

However your mother shouldn't have 'phoned you about her sister in law, it's nothing to do with you and she knows you're non contact with the family (& why). I presume all his family backed him up at the time of your accusations.

Life is so unfair sometimes, we are thrown together with people who cannot be trusted and, in the end, don't know who to trust! Mum should be one person you can trust but she's under her husband's spell.

Please sever the relationship altogether, darkriver, it's bad for your mental health. If you make up your mind to do that you'll be able to move forward.

So glad you have a therapist.

People who abuse children or vulnerable people don't usually stop at one. Obviously I am not wishing him to abuse anyone else but he might or maybe already has. In which case he will eventually be caught and prosecuted. At that stage, your mother will know she has been enabling an abuser and be very sorry indeed for not believing you.

Take care of yourself.

I know dark, it's so so hard to untangle the horror from the reality of the people involved and from the genetic need to love and need your parent/s.

You can only do what you feel is right for you. Your not doing anything wrong my lovely! Only you can decide when or indeed if ever it would be possible to not be in touch. No one has the right to tell you what you "should" be doing that is your choice.

All I can say is I hope that one day you can truly believe that you are more important and that you deserve better than to be treated with such disdain.

I'm glad you've got a therapist it gives you a space to explore things and learn the skills to protect your heart.

Honestly I wish you the absolute best of luck dark I really do.

That's awful OP. I totally understand how you feel because I have been through similar. The intense feelings of guilt and shame churning you up. I felt alot better when I went no contact with the abuser and his side of the family. I cannot believe that your mother remarried your step dad. Best thing you can do is avoid your mum for as long as you need to, to recover. You are more important. If she asks to see you tell her and anyone else that asks the truth, no because you remarried the man that abused me. You should not be the embarrassed one, your mum and your step dad should be.

darkriver19886

Have you heard of FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt? Its one way abusers and families keep their victims silent and obedient.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

A useful phrase, I found, for distancing, is 'I am sorry you feel sad'. Which acknowledges your mother's sadness but doesn't acknowledge any feelings about step-aunt.

Oh OP, I can't even imagine the disappointment and hurt you must feel. The adults in your life were incredibly weak and wanted to do the easiest thing - pretend it wasn't true. A stronger group of adults would have believed, validated and supported you.

I don't think it would be the best thing for you and your healing process to have contact with your abuser's allies and family. Until they validate what happened to you and acknowledge it, then it is only natural you would seek a sense of love and family elsewhere.

It is very ok to not grieve or be attached to a family that ignored and disbelieved such a heinous and serious crime against you.

You are perfectly OK and valid in all that you feel.

As for your Mum, some people can't accept or process something so awful so they run and hide. How incredibly hurtful for you though.

I hope you find the love, support, counselling and peace that you so deserve. Don't place such high expectations on yourself and don't let your Mum's denial/lah lah land guide how you should feel and react.