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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to keep birthday party date

49 replies

Chimmychunga · 27/01/2019 23:37

DH is celebrating a milestone birthday and we are having a party to celebrate. Sent all the invites out some by post and some with the invite as a digital copy by messenger.

My FIL's partner messaged to say could we change the date as that's the date her daughter will be renewing her vows and we are all invited along with some other members of DH's family. It's the first time we've heard of it. Not had a save the date or anything.

We could potentially change the date of DH's party but it would be a massive faff as the invites are already in the post and we are busy the weekend before and after so it wouldn't be anywhere near his birthday if we did change. WIBU to say we won't be able to change the date meaning we also won't be able to go to the wedding renewal and don't expect them to come to DH's party but perhaps we could do something together at a later date instead.

Or should I just keep the peace and change it?

OP posts:

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 28/01/2019 07:55

I wouldn’t change the date. DH’s significant birthday would take precedence over FIL’s partner’s child’s renewal of vows.

I’d also be tempted to ask FIL if he had remembered that weekend was close to his Son’s important birthday.

BaronessBomburst · 28/01/2019 07:59

Why do people have vow renewals?
And surely it would be a private thing even if you did feel the need.
someone cheated

ShatnersBassoon · 28/01/2019 08:08

How far in the future is this date? Soon enough that the renewal lot should got their act together by now?

FlipF · 28/01/2019 08:11

You reply sounds harsh and unfriendly. Why not suggest your husband speaks to his Dads partner in person.

GertrudeWilloughby · 28/01/2019 08:16

Why change his milestone birthday party for an event that screams someone had an affair? That's why people renew vows, because one or both have strayed.

FlipF · 28/01/2019 08:16

I don't think I'd change the party date as I'm Assuming it's a big party as you've booked it so far in advance.

Porridgeoat · 28/01/2019 08:17

Change the date. It’s only going to take 20 minutes to text everyone.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 28/01/2019 08:22

I wouldn't change party date- sounds like you've invited a lot of people, so presumably it's just a very small minority who want it changed?

I'm surprised a vow renewal wasn't announced earlier? Isn't it basically wedding mk 2? They always make me think of Pete and Dawn in Gavin & Stacey, complete with the naff song lyric vows and the pimp ring.

ShatnersWig · 28/01/2019 08:25

Fuck off should they change the date @Porridge. A milestone birthday is far more important than a vow renewal! Added to which, the OP has issued invitations to their event when the vow renewers haven't done theirs yet, so obviously if anyone was to change their date it should be the vow renewers.

LadyGAgain · 28/01/2019 08:28

Gotten's reply was on the money however I would pick up the phone. A lot will come across in tonality which will help keep the peace.

WisteriaPurple · 28/01/2019 08:32

No dilemma as far as I'm concerned. Your invitations have gone out first, ie you have a prior engagement. No different to being invited for lunch with a friend but already having a coffee date with another. You politely decline, that's a shame, will see you another time etc, and equally it's entirely up to them whether they cancel their prior engagement to attend yours.
Anyway vow renewal = affair.

frozenstrawberry · 28/01/2019 08:35

Ask her if her daughter can change the date of her vow renewal instead, seeing as invites haven't gone out....

TidyDancer · 28/01/2019 08:36

I wouldn't change the date for something like this. You don't really know how far along in the planning they are for their party anyway, perhaps they could change the date if the invitations haven't gone out yet.

I find vow renewals a bit tacky and wanky anyway tbh, and they scream affair as others have already pointed out. I wouldn't make a special effort for them personally.

ShalomJackie · 28/01/2019 08:38

I wouldn't change a milestone party dates for which invitations had gone out to celebrate the fact that someone who had an affair was now promising to do what they had originally promised to do but didn't!

leaveituntiltomorrow · 28/01/2019 08:40

Oooooo wonder which of them cheated. Or if it was both.

Claudia1980 · 28/01/2019 08:48

Don’t text, pick up the phone and speak to them. Just say sorry the invites have gone out and you aren’t able to have the birthday the weekend before so sorry you won’t be able to make it. Who cares about a vowel renewal anyway! So tacky.

Original poster

Chimmychunga · 28/01/2019 08:49

Perfect response Gotten we will send that. Was going to message the reply as FIL's partner messaged first so needed to respond but I think you're right, a phone call would be better.

GoGo unfortunately DH's mum passed away a few years ago so nothing like that.

Shatners it's in August, I'm really organised and wanted to get the invites out early as it's a milestone birthday and didn't want anyone to get booked up! oh the irony!

The only other people that would be invited to both is DH's Nan and Grandad but I should imagine they'd prefer to see DH. The renewal will be 100 odd miles away and it's a long trip for them. However, we are local so can always celebrate with them another time if they went to the renewal.

We aren't close to FIL's partner's children. However, DH spent every other weekend with them growing up. They're really lovely people but they live half way across the country from us so we only see them at the rare family wedding or renewal etc. I can't imagine any one cheated! But you never know, the husband does work away a lot!!

OP posts:

WhatIsTheMeaningOfThis · 28/01/2019 08:52

Event where invitations have been issued trumps event where invitations haven't yet been issued.

Keep the party date.

DartmoorDoughnut · 28/01/2019 08:54

Glad you’re not changing, even if you did you wouldn’t enjoy the vow renewal thingy you’d just be sitting there thinking you should be at DH’s party!

InfiniteVariety · 28/01/2019 08:55

Don't change your party date - I would be glad I had a cast-iron excuse not to attend a vow renewal!

GB54 · 28/01/2019 09:14

I’d keep the party date as it is unless DH wanted to change it. We had similar in the family before and a few people at the other event ended up leaving and coming to the birthday party for the last couple of hours.

BertrandRussell · 28/01/2019 09:16

Is the “vow renewal” (shudder) at a venue that can’t be changed? If so, i’d probaby move the party. If not, i’d probably have a conversation about which event would be easiest to move. I’d hate to think of family members worrying about which to go to.

perfectstorm · 29/01/2019 20:36

No problems with anyone having a vow renewal, but a milestone birthday is, by definition, date-specific, which a renewal isn't. And I tend to agree that that sort of birthday is a bigger deal, anyway.

If you've sent invitations out already, then really I think the onus is on them to consider altering, or just accept that some (really rather distant, given it's by marriage only) relatives won't be there.

Chingling · 29/01/2019 20:40

vowel renewal- how exciting- who has had an affair?

or who is being a drama queen?

totally unnecessary event- avoid at all costs.

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