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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your advice on this

18 replies

stonecoldfoxx · 27/01/2019 23:16

I have two DS (8 and almost 5)

They’re pretty close - there’s the odd argument but they get on well on the whole and it’s a peaceful household.

My DH’s brother and SIL have one DS who is 7. He’s pretty wild. I find it hard work if they’re round visiting as he is just so off the wall that no one can relax. It didn’t really bother me too much until he started being really quite nasty to my younger DS.

He wants my elder to DS to himself. He won’t let my younger DS be involved in any games. He’s a real force to be reckoned with and my elder DS will tell him he’s being mean and nasty but then he moves onto making comments to younger DS like “I don’t like you...” “We (meaning him and elder DS) don’t like you...” “you’re horrible...” “you’re rubbish at football” “I’m going to hit you with ” the list goes on.

My elder DS will come and tell me he’s being rude and so will younger DS. I’ve been quite short with my nephew telling him off and my MIL, BIL and SIL have been annoyed with me! They won’t accept that there’s a problem here.

I can’t remember a time when he’s been nice to my DS. There’s also tension now because I’ve stopped my younger DS from going round and this has kind of limited my older DS from going round.

I just don’t feel like my younger son should feel bullied and intimidated. I’ve also said to DH that until the situation improves I don’t want nephew in the house. He has been incredibly rude to my son and threatened him under his own roof and I can’t allow him to be subjected to that.

I honestly don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

stonecoldfoxx · 27/01/2019 23:17

*I feel like I can’t remember a time

OP posts:

Lovingbenidorm · 27/01/2019 23:18

You stand up for your boy xx

fc301 · 27/01/2019 23:19

Your DH needs to step up here & deal with his family /protect his son.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/01/2019 23:22

I think you're doing the right thing, and I hope your DH is supporting you. If your MIL, BIL and his wife have a go at you he needs to back you up and tell them that they're being unreasonable.

Although your older DS isn't the target it is equally unpleasant for him to experience and doesn't send the right message to him. So I think it's ok for him to also see less of his cousin.

Original poster

stonecoldfoxx · 27/01/2019 23:22

Do you think I’ve done the right thing reducing contact and putting an end to their visits?

OP posts:

Nothininmenoggin · 27/01/2019 23:23

Mothers are like a lioness when it comes to protecting their own.....enough said. Stick to your guns.

Nothininmenoggin · 27/01/2019 23:24

Defo

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/01/2019 23:25

Yes! You've tried to deal with his poor behaviour and got no back up at all from his parents. You can't allow your sons to see that sort of behaviour being allowed, so you have to stop them being exposed to it.

Original poster

stonecoldfoxx · 27/01/2019 23:26

My elder DS is very uncomfortable about it. He’s mentioned to me privately (or at least out of DS2’s earshot) that he doesn’t like it.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that when I have given my nephew into trouble he switches to giving my DS2 positively murderous looks which continues to intimidate him

OP posts:

steppemum · 27/01/2019 23:26

You ar edoing the right thing, and I think it is great that your boys come and tell you too.

Just be clear, but in a non agressive way with SIL etc. Say, well the boys don't get on, so it is a bit unfair to force them. If they say - but older ds and my ds get on, point out that you have 2 ds and it is hard to bring one without the other, so it has to be all 3 or nothing, and all 3 don't get on.

When they are together I think I would lay down some rules - in our family we have 2 boys, which means that they have had to learn to get along, so, you need to play nicely with both, or we will leave.

C0untDucku1a · 27/01/2019 23:28

Bloody hell keep everyone away from him!

HollowTalk · 27/01/2019 23:30

I wouldn’t go anywhere near him!

Celebelly · 27/01/2019 23:32

He sounds horrible! And will remain so until his parents grow a backbone and tackle his behaviour. Your poor sons.

Original poster

stonecoldfoxx · 27/01/2019 23:34

I hate using the only child thing because I am an only child but I’m not sure if he’s not used to having a close companion and is a bit jealous of my DS. That probably sounds crazy but it has crossed my mind. A bit like DS2 has spoiled the party.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/01/2019 23:35

It's not an only child thing it's a crap parenting issue!

PopCakes · 27/01/2019 23:36

The first priority is your younger son and it's right that he's protected and not bullied. On the other hand this boy is only 7 so banning him from the house and cutting out all contact is obviously not reasonable even if he is a challenge. I would keep up contact with the cousin but make sure he's supervised and understands that any bullying of DS is absolutely out of the question. I would approach his parents from a collaborative not accusative point of view (DS2 has been upset by XYZ, he needs to be included) but be firm that XYZ can't happen and you won't accept it.

Howlovely · 27/01/2019 23:40

How awful. It's truly horrid when you encounter a child like this and their parents don't notice. They are not doing him any favours at all by allowing him to be so unpleasant. Steppemum's suggestion sounds good - none of the boys seems to enjoy it when they play so I think it's best if we leave it for now. Surely they can't argue with that? If they try just point out what has been going on, what the (brat) nephew has been saying and doing and ask them which part they think your sons particularly enjoyed.

Original poster

stonecoldfoxx · 27/01/2019 23:45

I should add that my DH feels a bit like piggy in the middle. He agrees that nephew won’t come round until behaviour is sorted but I think (and this is just me thinking) he’s worried about falling out with his family. I don’t really care if I’m honest.

I’ve tried to find out what nephew is like at school because he had problems recently but no one would say what it was - just alluded to them. I’m wondering if he’s been behaving the same way.

OP posts:

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