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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for not visiting

13 replies

PorridgeLove · 27/01/2019 19:32

I live overseas. Currently, I am pregnant with DC2 and DC1 is two years old. I don't see my parents very often due to distance, cost of travel etc. They are retired and often bored. I suffer from NVP (not quite hyperemesis) and have had to take medication throughout both pregnancies. In autumn, I told my parents that I would not be able to make the trip (10hr+ with at least one stop over). Esp. not with toddler, buggy, car seat, and all the other items. I cited that as main reason that flying would be terrible for me. Here is the problem: I had to go on business travel in early Jan. I did not inform my parents, but casually mentioned to DB. Now they are mad at me for not visiting while I can do business travel. But business travel is easy: short flight, no toddler, only carry-on, stay in hotel, go to bed early, eat whatever I want. The flight was still horrible and I vomited once. But not the same thing as vomiting while keeping DC1 happy. This was the last business trip until I take leave from work. AIBU for not wanting to visit, but still doing business travel?

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 27/01/2019 19:33

YANBU. Could you pay for them to visit you as a compromise?

HollowTalk · 27/01/2019 19:34

Why can’t they visit you?

Iloveacurry · 27/01/2019 19:34

Can’t they visit you instead?

ThanosSavedMe · 27/01/2019 19:36

Yanbu. What will they say if you explain it to them how you've explained it to us.

Racecardriver · 27/01/2019 19:38

YANBU for not visiting but you shouldn’t have lied. An apology will probably do.

ChristmasFlary · 27/01/2019 19:41

Racecardriver - how did she lie? She just didn't tell them.... which she is entitled to do being an adult and all!

PorridgeLove · 28/01/2019 01:49

ChristmasFlary-Thanks,yes I am all grown up. DP just forget sometimes. When I visit they treat me like a disobedient teenager.

They have visited (money not an issue for them). However, they prefer me visiting them because at my place, they are not in charge. Or maybe just not comfortable. Honestly, they are not easy house guests, but it was fine last time.

Maybe they'll come in the summer or I go with DC2 and leave DC1 with DH.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2019 02:12

Three may keep a secret of two of them are dead.

You fucked up telling your big mouth brother.

Frannibananni · 28/01/2019 02:17

Every time they mention you coming to visit just reply that it would be much easier for them to come you. They will get sick of not being able to guilt you into the trip.

DreamingofSunshine · 28/01/2019 02:35

YABU, it's very different doing a short work trip on your own than a long haul indirect flight with a toddler.

Vixxxy · 28/01/2019 02:46

YANBU at all. I think really given the situation, they should be visiting you not the other way around. And its rather childish to be moaning that you travelled for work too...

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2019 02:47

"They have visited (money not an issue for them). However, they prefer me visiting them because at my place, they are not in charge. Or maybe just not comfortable. Honestly, they are not easy house guests, but it was fine last time."

It sounds like them visiting you is ideal because they are not in charge. Why can't they come and stay in a hotel. That way you would not need to 'look after them' all the time.

Just tell them the truth, why you could do a short haul with carry on and no toddler and couldn't do a long haul with luggage and a toddler. It's rocket science. Then ask what is stopping them coming to see you.

Agree with Frannibananni "Every time they mention you coming to visit just reply that it would be much easier for them to come you."

Skittlesandbeer · 28/01/2019 03:34

I have a similar problem with my mum. She does like to purposely conflate entirely dissimilar things because it suits her martyr narrative!

I find myself doing things (to stop the nonsense) like sending her 2 lists over email. List one: flights I can take. List two: flights I can’t take.

Make them the same length lists. In my case it’s a hip/back issue and a primary school aged kid that limits travel. So any destination that lets me align taking my meds (which knock me out for 5 hours) and time zones/stopovers are ok. As long as they take school hols into account, and someone else can watch the kid onboard.

I list all those. Then the other ones (the ones she wants me to do). I can’t do those.

It actually does shut her up. And her flying monkeys. For a time.

I mean, it’s being purposely obtuse for your folks to whine ‘You said you couldn’t fly, then you did!’. You never said you couldn’t enter an airport, just that long-haul was out.

Ask them if walking and hiking are the same thing in their world, also? Grabbing a snack versus a 5-course meal? Marital sex versus Swinging? Grin

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