To not approve of my brothers’ relationship

[User54367823]

My little brother has been seeing a guy on and off for about 18 months. I hate him. I’ve not said anything because I didn’t want to make it an issue and it never seemed very serious. However he’s just announced they are moving in together.
Brother is early 20s, his bf is pushing 40. Brother graduated last year and has been working in bars since, so not stable, reliable income. The bf is well off, has good job, very nice home but I think he’s very controlling and sleazy. He talks to my brother like a child.
When he was drunk, he (brother) told me that he slept with bf’s friend for money(!) and bf knew all about it and took half the money 🤮. Then next day when sober he took it back and said he was joking but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t joking. A couple of things have been insinuated by other people that make me think that it wasn’t a one off.
Im really worried and think him moving in with this arsehole makes him very vulnerable but have no idea what to do about it.

Nothing you can do except be there for him if it all goes tits up. Telling him it's a shit idea and that you hate his bf will just drive a wedge between you and you run the risk of him feeling trapped and having no-one to talk to.

Your brother won't thank you for your interference. People need to make their own mistakes, and he seems perfectly willing to participate in making them. Butt out or risk losing your brother; he won't choose you.

I agree and the last thing I want to do is isolate him but it’s so hard to stay quiet and watch him being treated like crap. And if he talks to him like that in front of his family how does he treat him when they are alone?

Bumping this because I’m so worried about him I don’t feel like I can do nothing but hoping someone has some practical advice.

The only practical thing is to stay quiet and keep communications open, he won't thank you for anything else. Just be ready to pick up the bits.

I think honesty is best. You deserve better than this abusive man for a start.

Tell him you had an unease about the guy, and when the drink was talking you realised all was not well with a relationship where one partner was effectively pimped out. Tell him you are not shocked or ashamed that he did it, but worried this relationship is not right for him. Ask him to honestly ask himself if he ever feels anxious about saying no to the bf, or to disagreeing, or to doing something he wants to do. Give him a way out if you can eg staying with you. Or help him figure something out. Tell him the offer stands, even if he is cross with you initially. And tell him you won’t play nice with bf in front of others.

And what about your brother's behaviour?

Ah sorry, misread I think. So you think the boyfriend pimpedhim out?

Yes, basically I think the bf has/is pimping him out. He’s young for his age both in terms of maturity and appearance.

Thanks EvaHarknessRose. I will try to talk to him. He’s definitely welcome to stay with me. He can stay forever if it gets him away from that man. I was looking for some kind of helpline or specialist counselling service but I’m not sure where to look or if it even exists.

So sorry for this, your brother deserves better. Just be there for him. You could I suppose make discreet enquiries to see if this boyfriend has a record for providing sexual services for money. Which I presume is illegal.

justasking

it’s definitely illegal. I think it would be almost impossible to prove ☹️

Athena do Independent Gender Domestic Violence Advocacy, they cover -

Domestic violence (physical, sexual, financial, emotional or psychological abuse)
Rape and sexual assault
Stalking
Prostitution
Sexual exploitation
Human trafficking and modern slavery (for example, sexual exploitation; forced labour; domestic servitude)
Female genital mutilation (FGM)
Forced marriage
So-called ‘honour’-based violence

But they are South London based.

Victim Support also offer the same service and is nationwide.

www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/our-services/one-stop-shop-services/athena/
www.victimsupport.org.uk/more-us/contact-us

Why is everyone against openness? Why is not addressing anything and tiptoeing around issues the done thing?

Just be honest with him. Is there someone else you can introduce him to?

Plainspeaking Thank you for the links!! Athena is exactly what he needs but unfortunately he doesn’t live in Lewisham. But there are other links on that website so I going to look through them tonight and hopefully find something that can help him.

livupq not addressing it isn’t an option anymore. The more I hear about this relationship the worse it sounds. I can live with him being pissed off with me for interfering, but not with him getting hurt and doing nothing to try and help him.