WIBU to ask to meet her?

[Rinoachicken]

Hi all.

Back story... have 2 DS age 9 and 5, eldest has ASD. EXH sees them every other weekend (his choice, he was offered more but repeatedly declines). Ex was removed from the family home in 2016 due to DV.

I’ve since met someone new, been with them a year now, introduced the kids slowly etc. Ex has never asked to meet him.

In June last year my ex bought his new gf to my eldest sons school concert. The boys saw her every contact weekend up to September and then they split up.

Novemver I was told by my eldest son that daddy had a new girlfriend. They’d met her that weekend and Have seen her almost every contact weekend since, been to her house and been shown ‘their’ room, met her teenage children.

Today ex drops them home and informs me they are engaged and he’s moving in with her and will therefore be able to have the kids for more nights (he has been living with his mum since we split).

So to my AIBU...

WIBU to ask to meet her before my children start sleeping over in her house?

AIBU to be slightly judgey about a mother who would get engaged to a man after only 12 weeks and introduce him to her children etc. WIBU to say ‘Clare’s Law’ when I meet her?!

You could ask. He doesn't have to let you, of course.

Since he is abusive and violent I wouldn't let him have more contact unless you have to.

Did you offer ex chance to meet your partner. Sorry but you're being unreasonable when he has them then he does what he wants as long it isn't illegal or would harm them.

If you did meet her what do you plan to do, have a veto on his choice of future wife?

Just think yourself lucky you got rid of him

I wouldn't as you could come across the wrong way. Saying that I think we'd all be curious.
I think in reality to allow ex to have kids overnight seemingly means you're not worried he'll be violent towards them. Advantage is, they can talk and inform you hopefully if there are concerns.
You have to trust ex in terms of what he does with kids on his care. The last thing you want to do is encourage him to be sticking his nosey beak in your affairs.
You're unlikely to tell from just meeting her also if she is decent or not. Looks can be very deceiving.
If he messes his contact times up with your children then that's his issue.
My ex is a male slag and goes from one to the next. It does worry me when it comes to the kids but I'm wise enough to realise my children will work out what's what.

Yes I did offer him to me my partner.

I don’t actually know what I’d say if I met her. I suppose I’m just concerned about my eldest, my ex doesn’t really understand his ASD so how will he explain DS needs to his new partner?

How was he removed from your home and what was said in court?

He was removed by police. Never charged due to insufficient evidence. Was removed for coercive and controlling behaivour and rape. Mishandling of my initial report meant my forensic exam was delayed for 4 days which didn’t help, but police were otherwise brilliant, instructed the council to change the locks on the house etc. I had previously reported him for rape 5 years before and he admitted it to police on that occasion but no charges because I had no support or advice at the time so took him back. Divorce was on the ground of unreasonable behaivour and he had to pay costs.

Dear God, why is he allowed any unsupervised contact with your DC?

Because SS asked the kids if they wanted to see him and they did, and he’s ‘never harmed the children’. I voiced my concerns about how he treated them emotionally (shouting constantly, bulking and gaslighting my eldest, my youngest was mute and only started talking a couple of weeks after he’d left the house, which the police also noted). The kids school commented at TAF meetings how much the boys were flourishing and blossoming in my sole care after he’d left.