... to not grieve my brother?

[Dayzedandconfuzed]

My brother died 12 years ago when I was 15 of a very sudden illness. Throughout my childhood he was the perfect big brother and looked after me through a LOT of domestic violence between my mum and dad (think near-death type violence). He was 8 years older than me and was an amazing and caring person and even in my early adolescence would hang out with me like a friend, inviting me out with his other friends and generally be the model big brother.

Cut to when I turned 12, everything seemed to change. He became angry, violent and abusive towards myself and my mum, but particularly towards me. He would hit, punch and threaten me, follow me to and from school to make sure I went (he was paranoid I was bunking off, spy on me and go through my things. I had a mental health crisis aged 13 (was under CAMHS and did school work from home) and took 2 years out of school (I had just gone back when he died) used to torment me daily to the point my mum and dad had to ask him to leave our house.

After he died, I went numb. I was very shocked but it wasn't a typical grieving process. I am now 27 and have had another intense period of mental illness but have otherwise managed to keep a fairly straight path (went to university, have lived independently since age 19, have worked since I was 16 and now have a decent career and am married to a lovely man).

Part of my therapy for current mental illness focussed on my relationship with my brother and my psychologist identified him as my primary abuser during adolescence. This has helped me rationalise the numbness I feel about not really grieving for him. My nan passed away recently and I genuinely grieved for her - I find solace in visiting her grave whereas I only visit my brother when asked by my mum and dad and I don't feel anything. My mum thinks I'm cold to my brother but I can't face explaining to her that I now see him as an abuser rather than a brother. This is her son and she has gone through the most horrific th ing a parent could ever experience.

I can't change how I feel but I don't want to hurt my mum or dishonour her pain. Are my feelings unreasonable? Has anyone been through anything similar? Sorry it's so long xxx

You still have contact with your parents after all that violence?
You don't have to justify your feelings to them (or us).

Not been through anything like this myself, but I have an auntie who does not grieve the death of her mother because her mother was abusive to her, but fairly reasonable to her other children. She was one of six and was belittled, bullied, pushed around and just horribly treated by her mum and it led to her making a few poor choices as an adult due to desperately looking for love and validation in the wrong places. When her mum died her siblings grieved for her and still do. But she does not. She has never visited her grave. She doesn’t want to. She said she isn’t grieving and so she doesn’t want to visit. She didn’t like to visit when she was alive and she has no positive memories. I don’t think this is unreasonable and I don’t believe anyone could expect her to grieve for someone who treated her so nastily.

How you grieve is personal to you. You can't change how you feel. It is also okay to move on and not still be grieving. I say this as someone who has lost a child. After more than 20 years i don't feel i am grieving for her any more. I think about her from time to time but there is no massive feeling of the emotion of grief. I also hate going to the cemetery where she is buried as i feel nothing there.

I think you have to accept your DM may never understand that you feel differently to her about your brother.

Have you considered that your brother may have been ill himself when he suddenly changed?
J

As a PP said, you don’t have to justify how you feel to anyone. Given how traumatic your childhood was and how your brother was both your saviour and your abuser, it’s completely understandable that your feelings are so complex. The last thing you need is to feel any guilt on top.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through

I actually think your anger is misplaced.

It sounds like the stress on the.living situation and abuse had a.huge impact on his mental health.

You need to grieve for the brother you lost and direct your anger at your parents who were the instigators of all the abuse you BOTH suffered. And the people who destroyed the brother you knew.

My mother passed just over 2 years ago, I don't grieve her at all. She was a toxic, narcissistic woman, and the best closure for me was her ceasing to exist.

Harsh, but so true.

My sister has never been abusive towards me, just low level unpleasant for decades. If she were to die, I would feel very sad for her husband, nieces and our parents, but on a personal level, I would feel nothing.

I guess, for the sake of my parents, I would have to keep that feeling to myself, but in your situation, why would your parents expect you to grieve? Have they forgotten/minimised what he did to you?

MsVestibule.

I think the OPs parents have forgotten and minimalised what they did to both of them.........I think the op has too. Sadly.

@msvestibule and @myfriendgoo5

I am still processing the trauma inflicted by my parents.

They are still together and still largely toxic to each other but both have recognised their part in my mental health problems and have sought to try and support me. They now face the reality of my childhood which they didn't recognise at the time and we have worked hard to build our relationship.

They are now also both severely disabled.

They too consider that the violence influenced my brother as he had to watch that through more understanding eyes than mine. I still have a lot of anger toward my parents but the extent of the malevolence he had towards me still gives me night terrors.

My parents have kind of rationalized it as 'big brother overprotectiveness' even though it went far past that. They even admit that he probably would have sabotaged my relationship with my husband if he hadn't died before him coming on the scene.

There are also things they don't know, and things they choose to forget because it dishonours the memories they have of him. I don't feel able to bring those things up because I can physically see pain it causes them.

How did he die OP? Was it something that could have changed his personality? Living with awful domestic violence could well have caused him mental health problems though.

@apolloanddaphne I am so sorry for what you've been through. I hope my parents can reach the same place one day.

@tinkly can't say as it would be outing but it's not clear cut! The condition he had is very rare and manifests differently in each person. I work in the field of illness that he had and everyone I've met with it presents so differently but it is possible

Also not to drip feed but he developed a problem with cocaine that my parents helped him to.kick about 6 months prior to dying

OP, I’m sorry for your pain. There is no reason why you should feel grief if you don’t instinctively feel that way. You say your brother treated you wonderfully when you were young. You must have felt confused, angry, hurt when his attitude towards you changed? I expect you felt some sort of grief at that time for the super big brother you had “lost”? Maybe you had finished grieving for the loss of that perfect brother and you had no positive feelings which would lead to grief for the harmful brother?
It feels like the seeds for mental health problems were with your brother early on. His wonderful treatment of his little sister would not be considered totally “normal” by most people. Love and protectiveness yes, but having such a lot younger sibling as a companion when he spent time with his friends is not usual. It seems that when you reached an age when you were beginning to become more independent thinking that he reacted hostilely towards you, almost as if he was acting out a paternal role.
Would regarding your brother’s mental health issues caused by his childhood experiences as resulting in him nor fulfilling his potential to be a loving, sensitive and gentle family member be cause for you to feel grief? In other words, there’s no reason to grieve the loss of your brother as he was but every reason to grieve for what may have been, just as we grieve the loss of every little child.

Hi Op, I'm so sorry for your childhood. I have a difficult relationship with my older brother, my mum was often not around after my dad left as she was with her partner instead. She was deeply depressed and very mentally abusive towards me and my siblings. At this time my brother become very violent towards me and my sister until he eventually left to go to uni. He made my teen years awful but i understand now that this was his reaction to our homelife. Ive made peace with my past and have a civil relationship with him now. Perhaps your brother would have got better like mine, perhaps not as sadly you never got to find out. A big part of me still hurts for the scared teenager who felt lost and alone and i could let the anger consume me but i dont want to let those years be what defines me so i had to let go.
I hope you find some peace after all that has happened to you

I had a very toxic relationship with my father and his sister. I didn't grieve much for them. I don't feel guilty about it.

Just because they died, doesn't make them saints. I did the respectful thing and sorted their funerals, beyond that I was done.

It's not up to your parents how you feel about your brother. You do not need to 'visit him' (weird thing to do, Imo, visit the grave when you could more easily look at a photo/recording). Have you told them his 'protectiveness' was actually abusive? Or are they choosing to ignore this?

Whilst my experience was not like yours, I also wouldn't grieve my brother, abusive nasty shit that he was to me. I also get the 'it wasn't so bad, it was typical sibling stuff' bollocks from my parents. Very frustrating.

Sounds like he was properly screwed up too. He loved you and showed you this for 12 years I'd remember this brother.

I've tried to tell my mum that I grieved for the brother I knew during that traumatic period but she doesn't get it. She focusses on the fact that for my first 12 years he was an amazing brother and tells me to forget the other stuff.

To answer PP, I think the reason he was so close to me was again ptotectiveness; he helped get me out of the house and tried to socialise me as I was painfully shy and introverted. His friends were a lovely group of teenagers some of whom I'm still friendly with now.

It's strange, the night before he was taken critically ill he was nice to me; he tucked me into bed and kissed me on the cheek before I went to sleep. Prior to that, he hadn't spoken to me like a human in about 3 years.

You don't have to justify anything to anyone but consider changing psychologist/therapist. She shouldn't be 'identifying him as your primary abuser'. It's not her place to label anyone or anything and instead to give you the space to work out things for yourself/in your own way.

I think your parents may well be the wrong people to talk to on this occasion. They have their own grief and guilt. They also have a distorted view of normal behaviour.

My dad was abusive and never grieved his loss. It was not a loss to me.

Hi I am sorry to hear your story.

My dad had died of a brain tumour when I was 14 and his personality changed, it was undiagnosed for years. To me he was my hero and I still desperately miss him, for my brother he saw him as mean and angry. I wouldn’t say either of us are wrong, I wouldn’t force my brother to speak nicely or grieve for my dad if he doesn’t feel that way.

I think it’s something your parents should not be expecting from you. You have some good memories and some awful ones, how you deal with it and grieve is down to you.

I would stop going to the grave even if asked, it’s not healthy for you if you genuinely do not want to.

Although I loved my dad dearly I very rarely go to the grave there is no need.

I think it’s a subject not to talk to your parents about, sounds like you have many other things to work through first!

I don’t really speak of my dad with my brother, his experiences and memories are different to mine. It’s not down to me to force him to grieve as I have.

I hope you feel better and get the support you need.

I am sorry you went through this. I can't help your brother was effected by his upbringing, violence can breed violence. We take on learnt behaviours good and bad from our parents.
After your update, he could have had a cocaine habit for longer during the abuse.
None of this is your fault but I think your brother was a victim too, if you worked on forgiving him and remembering how he was your protector.
Your parents are the cause, their parents may have hurt them too.
I hope things get better OP