to want space for my child

[Mar19901]

hi

just after some advice really.

from an asian background been married 5 years still live with in laws and extended family which is fine. i have a good relationship with my in laws and have a lot of respect for them however this is where the problem arises. i had a very traumatic pregnancy and birth after which my son has spent the last 2 years in and out of hospital. we are under many consultants and community teams in respect to his ongoing respiratory issues however over the last year or so his behaviour is becoming very challenging the drs believe he has development issues as he met his milestones very late and also is not talkinh yet just babbles. my beautiful little boy now has such a aggressive streak hurts himself and other children we live with. we currently live in 4 bedroom house with following people:

1. uncle, his wife and 2 dc

2 younger uncle 3 myself his father and my child 4 his grand ma 5 his auntie and her ds

it may not sound like a lot but our living areas are very small and mil is an absoulute hoarder so literally not much space in the house. my bedroom has a kingsize bed, single bed for ds and 2 wardrobes a chest of drawers and medicine cabinet for all ds needs.

my issue is that the older he is getting the harder i find managing him we are awaiting a referral to a community paedrtician for some more tests to get clearer idea on a diagnosis in respect to his behaviour/development.

i mentioned to dh about the prospect of moving out into our own home which he already has and is being letted out. He just couldnt understand why i want to and what way that would support ds as it wouldnt change his behaviour but my point is at least we will have space and he wont be smothered by everyone around us. its really getting me down that dh doesnt see how hard it is for us. maybe i am being selfish but its hard enough trying to manage ds without the added family pressure.

aibu?

Yanbu, I think your DH doesn't see how hard it is ''for us'' because it isn't hard for him.
He's being short sighted, children grow and they do need space.

But this is also about you; its ok for you to need head space and your own place for yourself, as well as your child.

That is an insane amount of people in one house....I'd not be able to have sex with my dh with that amount of people around ,and with sharing a room with your son....I'd personally stop having sex and say I'm not comfortable doing it with our son in the room,and all the relatives in the house...I could not live like that...get yourself and your son on the council waiting list and move out and be a single mum if your husband won't see sense

12 people in a four bedroomed house? And presumably someone in there doesn't have a bedroom?

Would be way too much for me, but it's not my culture to do so.

Does everyone involve themself in disciplining the children? Or are you left to it?

Does anyone get time and space to themselves?

YANBU. I wouldn't be able to function with so many people crammed into the house. If course it won't change DS's eventual diagnosis but a quieter atmosphere could eleviate over stimulation for him which might help his behaviour (and your sanity). Is there no option to rent somewhere very close to in-laws?

I couldn’t live like that!

Not a boast but I have a BIG house and over the summer there were 9 of us in it for 3 weeks. I nearly cracked up, I need space. I need there not to be someone in every bloody room I go into!

You need to move out.

Your living situation sounds completely crazy, that's a huge amount of people to have in one place. I would definitely be moving out under your circumstances.

thank you for ur replies it means so much that outsiders can see stuff my dh is refusing to see. i have been unwell with cervical cancer which im clear of now but i cant do this anymore i feel like i need space for myslef and child. he has no where to even play. my in laws are supportive generally but mil likes the idea of having her sons at her beck and call but i wish they would see what its doing to.us. they are helpful to a degree however if my ds hits or pushes one of their children than i do hear the remarks ur son out of control so naughty u should discipline him they dont understand that it coulf be a deeper rooted issue. both me n ds is looked at like we always ill almost like a bad apple thats fallen into their family. i cant. help ds being unwell.from birth and i cant help having cervical cancer but all.i want now is space to help ds he starts school om september im so nervous about how he will cope/settle. his health visitor has suggested having so occupational therapists (i think thats what they were called) come to house and work with him help his development howevrr i dont see how or where i could seat them or give them space to work together?

Even if your child doesn't have SN, its unrealistic to expect to be able to keep them cooped up like battery hens. He cant be expected to sit in a chair for 12 hours then lie in bed for 12 hours, he's going to move around and touch stuff.
He should be playing and making noise for some of the day. Play is essential for child development.

At this point I would tell your dh you and your son are moving out and it’s up to him if he does the decent thing and comes with you or not.

Do you have family (in a less hectic house!) you could go to to get out?

i dont know if i can just leave he has supported me with the most testing timd of my life i dont doubt that he loves me or ds but he just cant do it to his mother. i believe she is the issue. she was to happily let us leave he would be ok but i seen the mind games she has played with his other brother who only recently just moved out prior to September 2018 there were 16 of us in this house.

i do have family close by but dont want to burden them with this. even though we from same culture all my brothers n their families live seperately in their own houses and my mum lives alone howveer she is elderly and wouldnt want to burden her with this however they have commented that i cNt carry on living in such a way but they dont want to offend me by saying to much either.

You need to show him your serious though. He needs to pick no matter how hard that may be