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AIBU?

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Original poster

To emotionally separate from DH?

16 replies

BearPomPom · 27/01/2019 12:30

I've had enough. I feel so alone in the marriage, we've been together on and off for 24 years. We have 3 children, two are adults, one is 9 and has a chronic illness. I feel like I'm getting old before my time, DH is 10 years older than me, I'm 43. I've left him twice before and it was so awful in that it involved court orders to make him leave the home, it's a council property. Very bitter and last time I started divorce proceedings but ended up taking him back when DS was diagnosed with illness. We do get along, until we argue then all the past gets dragged up and everything is my fault apparantly. Even got told I probabaly caused our son's illness the other day. That hurt. I've been crying all morning. Everything I do I do alone with DS. DH and my family majorly dislike eachother so I do family functions alone. Weekends I literally can't stand as all DH wants to do is get drunk and watch football. If I mention going out he gets angry and says he's out all week (at work) I shouldn't expect him to go out at weekends too. Last night he drank 14 cans of lager. I can not stand him when he's drunk. Today will be the same. I can't leave again, I've got DS to think about. DH wouldn't leave, never has without force. I'm so cross with myself for getting into this mess yet again. Would it be better to just emotionally detach from him and accept I have to just do things alone all the time? All sounds a bit mad i know but I feel so stuck :(

OP posts:
Original poster
BearPomPom · 27/01/2019 13:14

My Aunt died last night, my mum's sister. It was my mums birthday. I'm so upset and sad for my mum. My eldest son told DH she had died and although we're not talking at present I would have thought DH would have said something to me. But he's just singing football chants excited for 2 big games he'll be watching on tv this afternoon. He loathes my mum, for no good reason at all, and I love my mum so much. He probably had a silent gloat :(

OP posts:
Original poster
BearPomPom · 27/01/2019 14:11

Anyone? I'd be so grateful for some advice

OP posts:
00Sassy · 27/01/2019 14:15

This is a very sad situation. Firstly I’m sorry for your loss, and on your Mum’s Birthday too Sad

Your H sounds awful and I’m wondering if you’re absolutely sure you can’t leave? Flowers

Original poster
BearPomPom · 27/01/2019 15:11

Thank you Sassy for replying x Does it really sound that awful? I'm so confused. I know DH loves us in his own way.....I'm just not sure his "way" is right for me anymore

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whatisheupto · 27/01/2019 15:16

Oh God he sounds really awful OP. I put up with a fair amount of shit myself but there's no way I could put up with that. You are living with someone who shows at best indifference to you and at worst hatred. I really think you would be so much lighter and happier without him. How long did you leave for last time? What made you go back?

whatisheupto · 27/01/2019 15:17

Sorry, just re-read and you explained why. How often do you argue?

Loopytiles · 27/01/2019 15:18

Very sorry about your aunt.

It sounds like you now wish to divorce him, and see it through.

Loopytiles · 27/01/2019 15:18

And it sounds as though you have strong reasons to.

Original poster
BearPomPom · 27/01/2019 15:34

That's the thing...we rarely argue. We usually just plod along doing the same old thing (nothing) until an argument erupts and all these feelings come flooding back, the feelings I've explained. I know in my heart of hearts nothing will change and I don't want to go to just plodding along because the next time we argue I'll feel the same again. He really believes he does nothing wrong, or he can't see how he's a bit of a rubbish husband

OP posts:
00Sassy · 27/01/2019 16:59

I know in my heart of hearts nothing will change and I don't want to go to just plodding along because the next time we argue I'll feel the same again

You feeling this way is so sad. Yes I think the situation is awful. I hope you can find a way to leave and not have to feel like that anymore x

Ladyoftheloch · 27/01/2019 17:04

He sounds so awful OP. Really, really foul.

Is it not worth separating? It will be hard to kick him out but ultimately you would be free. You’re still so young and have every chance to meet someone who actually treats you well.

Narnia72 · 27/01/2019 17:34

This is not good for your emotional health lovely. What do you get from this relationship?

Does he support you financially?
Does he give you respite from your poorly child?
Could you manage financially and practically without him?

If the answer to the last question is yes then just leave.

You don't say why you went back each time but it's not making you happy and better to be single than this. There's no place more lonely than a loveless marriage.

You deserve much better.

Could you move with your mum for a bit, to help with the transition?

Maelstrop · 27/01/2019 17:54

So you're going to carry on like this til you die? Why can't you make him leave again? Get an occupation order and get rid. What kind of life is this for your child and you?

EngagedAgain · 27/01/2019 18:08

I would start by emotionally detaching yourself from him, because he's sapping your energy, and all the time that's happening you won't have the strength to part from him, which I think ultimately you should. As pp said about still being together for the rest of your life. Even another ten years sounds hellish. Actually I doubt you'll be able to put up with much more of it so look forward to the changes, and one step at a time. Good luck.

Marmalady75 · 27/01/2019 18:12

I can’t imagine living a life like this is very happy or relaxed. Can you really go on like this until one of you dies? Or are you waiting until your youngest leaves home? Either way you are worth far more than that! I know it will be hard, but it sounds like you need to split for your own mental health.

Original poster
BearPomPom · 27/01/2019 19:52

I can't help but think that he loves us in his own way....he's not a bad person, just doesn't know how to do marriage! He adores our youngest. It's not his fault the way he is I guess, he has no interaction with his family whatsoever, just doesn't see it as important as I do. It's me that wants more....is that enough to tear the family apart again for? I've been with him from such a young age I know no different. He was actually a million times worse back then......much better now but not in the way I want

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