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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws!!! Arrrr

50 replies

Mimi2018 · 27/01/2019 11:20

Hello

This has been really bugging and upsetting me lately so I need to find out the opinion of others on this

So unfortunately I live with my mother and father in law and I have a 8month year old daughter.

The in laws constantly repeat "baba and dada" all the time to my daughter. Baba means dad and dada means grandad in my language.

Obviously me and my daughter live with them and those words are constantly repeated to my daughter and now my daughter says both.

To be fair my partner so LOs dad doesn't repeat it or rub it in my face but the mother in law does and the MIL and FIL never have the decency to repeat "mama"

AIBU to feel upset and frustrated with the in laws constantly doing this and not have the decency to also repeat mama?

Also AIBU to be frustrated with my husband to not care about my feelings too and tell his parents to be more sensitive and maybe also repeat the mama as my daughter now fully says Baba and dada now?

And do you think I should speak to my husband and tell him how I feel about this as it's unfair that she has to constantly hear Baba and dada from the in laws and sometimes my husband so when will my daughter ever have the chance to say mama if it's constantly been forced in her ears to hear Baba dada?

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 27/01/2019 12:02

For all of those who fall into the "massively overthinking" comment category: there is quite obviously a context here and this is just one instance of it.

OP, what's really going on?

Chingling · 27/01/2019 12:07

Most babies say dada (daddy) before mama (mummy)

It is standard development.

Kikipost · 27/01/2019 12:13

Posts like this are just so completely and utterly alien to me.

noenergy · 27/01/2019 12:18

I know which language u r talking about. And being from background I don't think it's worth bringing it up and causing agro. What can your DH do without it causing trouble?

All my kids said dada first for their dad. It got to me that I looked after them 24/7 and he worked long hours and hardly saw them but it seems most kids say dad first. Then they started calling DH by his name.

Your child will learn mama, if it's bothering u then keep repeating it to her but she will say it in her own time.

namechanger2019 · 27/01/2019 12:24

My kids all said dada before mama. I just think easier for them to say.

Boysandbuses · 27/01/2019 12:29

You are really over reacting. I sure there is some context to this. But non of it is bad enough for you to find your own place, surely?

LucyAutumn · 27/01/2019 13:19

OP I lived with my own parents for a few months when we were between houses and I used to find this kind of thing bothered me too. I felt like my LO used to get confused over who his mama actually was and even felt like his nanny at times.
I think I also had a bit of PND and it helped when I admitted this to my DH who instigated a chat with my parents to involve me more in words and evening activities, as opposed to just whipping the baby away from me Sad
Even better was when we moved out and finally had our own space and family time again.

I hope you manage to find a way to resolve this OP Flowers

tillytrotter1 · 27/01/2019 13:24

My daughter used to say Dada to every man she met who had a beard!
If you're so uptight about this, I'd love to hear about your next 20 years! You could always stop living with the in-laws of course.

Confusedbeetle · 27/01/2019 13:36

PIL bashing gone mad again. I imagine they also have inconveniences form sharing their home with you. Do you pay proper rent?

PopCakes · 27/01/2019 13:52

I agree with PP this is a non-issue (or perhaps a symptom of living in close quarters with in-laws and stepping on each others' toes). You can repeat mama to the baby yourself. The first words are usually determined by what the baby finds easiest to pronounce no huge significance.

SarahAndQuack · 27/01/2019 13:57

It is absolutely, 100%, just about the sounds.

My baby said 'dada' long before she could say 'mama'. She doesn't have a dada; she has two mums. My MIL 'accidentally' refers to me as 'Auntie Sarah' rather than 'Mama' half the time, and I grit my teeth and put up with it.

ClanoftheCaveBear · 27/01/2019 14:01

They always say Dada first, it’s easier Flowers

SpoonBlender · 27/01/2019 14:04

I fairly regularly hear pre-toddlers going "da da da da da" or "ba ba ba ba ba" endlessly in the shops. It's definitely one of the early "Hey, I can shape a noise!" things.

Original poster
Mimi2018 · 27/01/2019 16:10

Thank you everyone for your comments it's made me feel much better..

Yes as some of you have picked up on there is a wider context behind it with living with the in laws..

Unfortunately living there will be a long term things as my husband said that he does not want to live out as his parents are elderly and also this is a cultural thing before I got married I thought I could cope with it but I didn't realise how wrong I was to think this way and now I'm stuck in this way of living as my husband will not move out and he always argues the house is big enough.

My in laws always want to be involved in everything with my daughter which pisses me off as it is I live there with my daughter that should be enough! They also want to almost brainwash my daughter to be close to their side of the family over me as her mother and my own family

I just feel resentment living there where I don't have space of my own with my first child and to enjoy motherhood properly

And hearing my daughter saying Baba (in my language meaning dad then dada (in my language grandparent on father side) has really upset me

I can take my daughter saying Baba as that's her dad fine but where they are training her and have trained her to say dada (grandparent on fathers side in my language) that's really upset me as mama should have been before that

And I think my main point here is fine my daughter has learnt hide two words fine nothing I can do about it but the fact the in laws keep repeating it and drilling it in her head even more then when will my daughter even have that scope and chance to learn how to say mama???

And yes I do say mama to her but not as much as they say Baba and dada and also I'm one person alone where as you got the mil and fil and my husband as a force repeating it

I think I will just try take on board the comments that those words are natural and mama is more harder to say and be at east that my daughter will say it when she's ready and she knows me as her mum and loves me and be at peace with that??...

OP posts:
ClanoftheCaveBear · 27/01/2019 16:45

My son was an early talker and said da da da da at 7 months. He’s now 6 and definitely a mummy’s boy. I will say though he adores his grandparents because they let him do whatever he wants.

flumpybear · 27/01/2019 16:50

Personally I'd build an extension because i couldn't bear living with other people particularly in laws who in my case are judgmental and stressful

If they isn't possible consider moving to a more suitable home you can build a split home

The dada baba mama thing will get worse unless you do something

avocadoincident · 28/01/2019 09:39

I really think you need to sit down with your partner and explain the detrimental effect your living arrangements are having on you. If he does not understand then you'll have to chisel out some space for yourself within your circumstances, by spending more time out of the house, by going to groups or at your own friends and family's houses. Do you have local support? Maybe you have a good friend who works certain days that you could use their house as a home for you and your child so you don't have to be 'out out' but still out of your in laws home.

But remember as blunt as this will sound...the in laws are elderly and won't be around forever.

As for the speech development:
*
I can take my daughter saying Baba as that's her dad fine but where they are training her and have trained her to say dada (grandparent on fathers side in my language) that's really upset me as mama should have been before that*

Speech has a natural progression based on tongue and mouth muscle development, we'd all like to think that 'mama' would and should come first but babies are on a set path for sound development and even if your inlaws weren't around your baby would make these sounds first. They are taking credit for innate skill development.

I bet your the baby's favourite person in the world and that's the main thing!

CantStopMeNow · 28/01/2019 22:33

I'm stuck in this way of living as my husband will not move out and he always argues the house is big enough
OP, i come from an asian background too so i understand what you're saying.....however - you are NOT trapped and you CAN move out into your own place.
The only thing stopping you is yourself because you would rather defer to 'culture' instead of being a person in your own right.

I suggest you find a place and move - your dh can either move with you or remain living with his parents.

The longer you live with pil the more they will 'take over'.

AfterSchoolWorry · 28/01/2019 22:40

Babies almost always say Dada before Mama. It's a developmental thing. It is more difficult for the muscles to make the Mama sound. It's totally normal.

AfterSchoolWorry · 28/01/2019 22:43

Breyne Moskowitz, PhD, states that nasal sounds such as “m” are actually more difficult and babies are more likely to utter the sound “dada” because it doesn’t require forcing air through the nose

It's nothing to do with the grandparents, it's developmentally normal.

Luckyy321 · 29/01/2019 14:44

I completely understand where you are coming from as my ILs are also very overbearing and want to be involved with everything. My MIL even referred to herself as "mum" for months to my DD. I initially thought she was doing it on accident but eventually when I asked her not to say it she went batshit and accused me of all sorts and refused to stop. I moved into my parents for a few weeks and things have been great since.

You need your DH on your side as it's the only way they will listen. Also, move out asap. It's your right to have a home you are comfortable in.

coconutpie · 29/01/2019 15:44

This, with bells on:

OP, i come from an asian background too so i understand what you're saying.....however - you are NOT trapped and you CAN move out into your own place.
*The only thing stopping you is yourself because you would rather defer to 'culture' instead of being a person in your own right.

I suggest you find a place and move - your dh can either move with you or remain living with his parents.

The longer you live with pil the more they will 'take over'.*

Limensoda · 29/01/2019 15:55

Your daughter knows who you are whether she says Mama or not.
She will say it eventually whether your in laws say it or not.
It's not a competition.
Your in laws love your daughter and wanting to be involved is natural but it's up to you how much you allow but you live with them so their relationship with her is much closer than if you didn't.

user1494409994 · 29/01/2019 15:56

My little girl didn't say mummy till she was 18 months despite having lots of other words including Daddy. However once she started saying it she never bloody stopped and still shouts for me first. She's 5!

Iloveautumnleaves · 30/01/2019 13:50

Take DD & move out. DH can choose whether to go with you or stay with them, he does not get to choose where YOU live.

People will help you. You will be able to claim benefits.

You’ve made a mistake, be adult enough to admit it and move out. You CAN do it.

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