DP drinking

[Babysharkdododont]

DP and I have had issues in the past where he's been a complete cock after drinking too much, and I gave him an ultimatum to cut down drastically or I'd ltb.

He has for the most part cut down, and doesn't really drink around me much unless we go out or have friends round etc, fair enough. But just the sight of him a bit tipsy makes me hate him, due to all the heartache of the past etc. Tonight we've gone to a friends for dinner, he's had a few drinks, and I've come to bed as we've got home, just can't stand to even be in the same room as him when he's a bit slurred and flushed.

Not really sure what my AIBU is, maybe can you live with someone who drinks when their past behaviour has made you never want to have a drink with them / be in their company if they've consumed alcohol? Or is our relationship doomed?

Yes YABU. Unfortunately if you hate your husband slightly slurry after a nice night at friends then you have problems. Maybe he was drinking too much before but he cut back as asked, however is doesn’t seem to be quite enough for you.

I would feel like you do

If I’m honest I don’t much enjoy the sight of adults slurred drunk at all tbh unless I’m so drunk I’m doing it too! Which I cannot remember the last time I was.

People drinking to excess makes me feel on edge as they can be such loose canons and given your OHs past behaviour I’m surprised he would get like that at a simple evening out.

Maybe it’s ok he lets go at say a wedding but if he’s had alcohol related problems to the point you nearly left him then that should have been a wake up call to him and I’d expect him to either quit or to drink socially one or two and not get slurred and at the point he could lose control.

Would he seek more formal help?

geekone I completely disagree

Her DH clearly behaves very badly in the past when drunk so why should she suddenly get used to being around him drunk and not feel worried or uncomfortable?

Surely anyone decent would just stop drinking totally if they had behaved as he had done?

Thanks Geek, it's good to get some perspective! In an ideal world I'd like him to never drink again, but that's completely unreasonable I know.
I thought maybe going to bed out of the way was a better option than sitting there catsbum face, but ideally I just need to lighten up maybe.

If he treated you poorly while drinking in the past, them really, he needs to just stop drinking entirely. Having lived with an alcoholic, you can’t ever really trust them
When they consume alcohol.

I think YABU as he's had a nice night out and you think he's had a bit too much todrink. Unless he is to

Totally hammered, just let it go

Cross post there, thanks for the other side of the opinion.
I catch myself thinking about the partner I'll retire and grow old with, who will be pretty much tee total....I think that's a sign that I just can't / won't tolerate his drinking for much longer!

I am not saying your feelings are not valid but I think he did what you asked but it’s not enough. You want a tee total husband and that’s not who he is or who you married. I think we all grow into different people but essentially he likes a drink you don’t and that might never change. And other posters say he should stop altogether, why? Compromise is important but changing completely might just make him feel the same as you feel for him right now. Sorry.

This is is by no means a LTB but you really have a long uncomfortable discussion ahead. I don’t think he’s what you really want and he shouldn’t have to change completely to try to be what you want, because maybe it runs deeper than just the alcohol.

Sorry OP

Because geek this isn’t just her not liking someone who drinks, this is because he has clearly behaved very badly whilst driving and the OP is fearful of that behaviour
If he is otherwise a good person when not drinking then expecting him to avoid the thing that causes damage to their relationship seems entirely reasonable
to me

The OPs response to him being drunk suggests she has good reason to dislike him in that state.

He’s done what you’ve asked. IMO it would be very unreasonable to request he stops completely. I think you need to forget about the past, or your relationship won’t last. That’s if it’s a good relationship in every other way, and you don’t want it to end.

Just read through your posts again and actually I think yabu, and your relationship is doomed. I can’t see those teetotal twilight years happening.

I just wanted to say that I understand, I have been in your position. It took me moving out fr my DP to get the message. And he really tried, but we would be out, he'd be on his second beer and my whole evening would be spent worrying he would keep drinking and get too pissed to be able to walk properly etc etc. After about 6 months I also found a case of beer hidden under the stairs.

I'd had years of it, and I under-estimated the level of emotional / mental trauma I suffered. In the end I had to walk away to be able to do my own healing. Your DP has to understand the impact on you and take responsibility, something mine never did. He could not understand my feelings at all - took no responsibility for the impact of his drinking.

My exh was an alcoholic, and now I can't stand being round drunk men, it makes me on edge.

My df knows this, and in 4 years has never got drunk, and if he feels like he's getting tipsy he will stop drinking because he knows it's makes me uncomfortable.

Your dh is not being very kind at all and is being selfish. I get how you feel

I think you would be well in your rights to say quite drinking all together.