To be cross with OH for wanting to run up a mountain solo in January?

[Orangelover]

Basically I've come on a weekend with OH in a lovely hotel in the Lakes for his bday treat. He's very outdoorsy - me not so much however we both like walking. He would rather be running, thinks nothing of going to the Peak District at the weekend and running a good 15+ miles up and down hills and has completed a 34 mile ultra race before at his peak fitness.

Today we attempted Helvellyn via Grasmere, Grisedale Tarn and Dollywaggon Pike which was ok until about 850 meters then the heavens opens and the terrain became icier. I had had enough and wanted to call it a day as I was soaked, even through all my waterproofs and layers. I didn't want to go any further as the visibility was poor, there were no other walkers around (we saw 3 in the whole day) and both our phones were dying, probably due to the cold/wet. So we went down.

He was not happy with this but after a good look at the map when we got down I was satisfied I'd made the right decision as the final ascent appears very exposed and I was cold and wet enough as it is. We knew it was ambitious for a January wet day, and I still had a fab time with some good views before the cloud came in.

Since we've been for dinner all OH can talk about is the fact we "quit". He's like a dog with a bone and has decided he wants to be out for sunrise and give it another go in the morning. I think this is a ridiculous idea. It was slippy and treacherous and it's forecast 3 degrees colder tomorrow. Anything could happen to him He says I'm being silly and he knows his limits. I'm not saying he isn't fit enough but we don't know the Lake District as well as some areas and all it takes is one wrong step for an accident leaving him very vulnerable on his own. Given that we didn't complete the mountain we don't know what the conditions were like further up. I've said we should just come back in the spring but he's adamant.

Am I being unreasonable for suggesting he is insane?

I don't think it's insane to go walking in an area you don't know in bad (or unknown) conditions, on your own. No I think it's irresponsible and immature and potentially puts others at risk if he does fall or get lost.

It's not just about your physical fitness, it's bout making wise choices. It's hard to 'quit' but it's the sensible thing to do.

You can't stop him, but I'd be pissed off, not just for him being like a kid, but buggering off on your w/e away in a nice hotel.

No, you're dead right. Conditions will be worse tomorrow. Show him the fell top assessors reports, that might put him off a bit.

Also, what is he expecting you to do while he goes off tramping round mountains? He ought to suggest a lower route you can do together.

You're right. I live in a town with mountain rescue, they are volunteers funded by donations. They regularly have to bring people down who have gone up in the hills in bad conditions, Ill equipped etc, especially during these short days.

Is he always so "I must not quit" about stuff?

This is what I've tried to tell him, it's not that I think he can't do it it's just not worth any risks when we could just have a nice stroll lower down and nice coffee and lunch on our final day...

I'm very anxious/risk averse on a good day to be honest and yes he is often a thou shall not quit. We tend to counteract each other fairly well usually, he is like an excited puppy and I remind him of the sensible side of things and we generally come to a nice compromise. In his job role this personality trait works very well, on a weekend break not so much.

I think I've talked him round now, with the idea that we shall return in the spring and enjoy it more.

Relying on phones to navigate in the hills is irresponsible. He needs a GPS and a map and compass

YANBU. It is not uncommon for walkers to die in falls on Helvellyn. There are several very tricky ascents, which should not be attempted in icy conditions, especially without specialist equipment.

YADNBU If he’s so outdoorsy he should be well aware of how swiftly conditions can change in the Lakes. Too risky given today’s lashing rain, minus temperatures & wind picking up. That’s just asking for a visit from mountain rescue, surely much worse than ‘quitting’. Get yourself to the apple pie shop

At some point you’re going to need to see the bigger picture OP. Early in a relationship it can feel that fundamental differences counteract each other, but as time goes by, the differences will rip you apart.
You’re risk averse. He’s a won’t quit regardless of perceived risk. This is a huge difference that will put strain on your relationship. And that’s without the running which takes him away for a lot of time.
FWIW I think he’s an idiot to attempt it, but I’m risk averse too 😊
Please have a good think about how it’ll work long term. How will it work if you have a family?

Well that escalated quickly.
How do you know they don't already have kids?

"Were you the other woman OP?"
Etc.

I go out walking in the Highlands regularly in winter, including going for solo walks. But I always make sure I have crampons and an ice axe. Does he have those? Also, according to the metoffice there'll be 50mph winds tomorrow, and it will feel like minus 16 at the summit. All in all just not a pleasant day to be out. Better to save it for another day when he'd probably enjoy it more.

We did have an OS map and compass. I just always like to have a phone on us for last resorts if you needed to summon help when you get more signal. But no, no crampons and ice axe hence I didn't want to go further

We've been together years, there is no strain on our relationship. I like to think that if one of us has a sensible brain that's better than neither. I love him and most of the time we have a great time. I've done things with him I'd have never done if we weren't together, just mountain walking in January with lashing wind, rain and ice is not gonna be one of them

Thanks to the poster who said show him the Fell top assessors reports - found their Twitter page and it was full of good advice and he has now agreed that I am right. We have settled for a lovely meal tonight, followed by some and looking forward to a little wander round Windermere tomorrow and a cheeky lunch and cake More my style in this climate

Hellvellen is tricky even in good conditions especially if you are going via striding edge or swirrel edge.
The weather is so changable a man goes up it every morning to check on conditions. It’s not a mountain to be messed with and many people have had accidents and even died especially in winter
You did the right thing. It must have been a hell of a walk from grassmere

Ugh this brings back horrible memories. My and my ex went to the lakes and aimed to do Helvellyn via striding edge. I looked at the forecast and saw 50mph gusts and didn't want to do it. We had a huge row about how I should trust him to not let anything happen to me. It made me really uncomfortable that i wasn't allowed to make my own informed decison just to protect my partner's ego. We then went to Scotland and a similar thing happened - he had planned a walk but we were advised not to go. Ok, he had an easier walk planned and the lady was confused but all the same, I hurt his feelings by questioning whether it was a good idea. Because of how he was I ended up taking a bigger risk to prove I wasn't a wuss, slipped and fell on a surprise blizzard and could have died. I'm not a wuss, I climb and go on serious walks but now I absolutely must the decision myself. I think asking someone to go against their decision and get in a huff because you 'don't trust them to look after you' is extremely selfish.

It's great to hear that your partner has listened to your concerns. Never do something you don't want to do. I thought I would be fine and I wasn't and I deeply regret the stupid decision I made - it'seems made me very anxious of harder climbs when I was previously fearless.

Definitely not U - I practically grew up playing on the lower slopes of Helvellyn, I knew (not now ha!) the area like the back of my hand and still managed to scare myself silly when I went up with a couple of friends one spring..

What was a nice sharp, clear, sunny day down in Glenridding turned within minutes to an icey snowstorm once we got above the Greenside hostel and started across... we turned back and were fine but one of the two friends really wanted to carry on, and had absolutely NO idea of the danger we potentially faced at all!

It is a horribly easy place to die!

Having just checked the weather forecast, him going up there would be incredibly foolhardy and selfish.

If he insists on playing at being in the SAS just make sure his life insurance payments are up to date.

YAnbu If your OH was any kind of competent, he would know he should work to the limits of the least able member of the party.

Glad to read he will not be going up. If only to save Mountain Rescue from having to be called out.

I'm glad that he has changed his mind but he also needs a serious wake up call.

It's not only himself he puts in danger by silly antics like insisting on going up without the proper equipment or understanding the conditions. It's also the mountain rescue team volunteers lives he puts in danger to go search for him.

Regardless of dog with a bone attitude, the best outdoor people understand when to back off and why.

Personally I would be fuming with my DH if he even suggested it. Send him on a winter mountain rescue/mountain awareness course so he can really understand the dangers properly.

Glad the reports were useful - I'm going to the Lakes myself next weekend so I like to have a look at them and see what's what. I won't be attempting Helvellyn though, I'm like you, quite risk averse and I wouldn't want to attempt a walk like that in winter. I know what I'm comfortable with. Well done for persuading him.

His bday treat next year might be one of those Winter Skills courses so he can go and do it with the Fell top experts with crampons and ice axe

Having listened to the wind all night from our cosy hotel room I don't think he would have actually dreamed of it this morning. Some big gusts! Hotel breakfast is too good to miss anyway

I was looking at those the other day and thinking I might like to have a go. I'd be comfortable with experts. But that will be something for next time (I've invited a lot of people along and they might be a bit miffed if I took myself off for the day 🤣)

Go back in milder weather so he can reach summit. I understand why he feels disappointed. I don’t go alone but my husband runs over the fells alone and has done for years and years without harm but with due consideration for the conditions.
Our children have been reaching summits since they were about five or six. It would be a pity if your anxiety stopped him seeing the true splendour and majesty of looking down to, say, Derwentwater from Maiden Moor or Skiddaw.

You need a springtime trip.