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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to alleviate the pain from a miscarriage? is it possible? what has helped you?

20 replies

someoneneedshelp · 26/01/2019 13:39

I miscarried on the 20th july at almost 7 weeks, would have been due around March time. I've been finding the loss difficult ever since, I don't know how to cope with it :( i'm always spending time thinking 'what could have been' if I hadn't endured the loss and I was still pregnant, desperately wanted the pregnancy to continue.

How do I keep my sanity while this difficult date is around the corner?

OP posts:
Original poster
someoneneedshelp · 26/01/2019 13:45

I'm quite young - no partner support, might not have access to women's spaces if minimum age limitations bar me...

OP posts:
Original poster
someoneneedshelp · 26/01/2019 14:18

Bump

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 26/01/2019 14:23

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I have been there and it can be so incredibly painful. Do you have friends or family who you can talk to? Who can give you a hug? I think one big thing is acknowledging the baby you would have had. Name your baby, pick something to associate with your baby (a flower perhaps or place), and your wish for your baby. Recognise that this baby was part of you and will always be part of you. Nothing is lost it just becomes something different. Have you contacted the miscarriage association? They will definitely know of pleased where you can go and you will be able to speak to someone who has suffered as you do. You should not be barred from any space because of your age. Ever.

AloneLonelyLoner · 26/01/2019 14:24

I’m sorry for typos.

imabloodymess · 26/01/2019 14:24

Time, time and support from family or look for groups online. It's an awful horrible time and I'm sorry you're going through it but it will get better xx

LokiBear · 26/01/2019 14:27

How old are you? Do you still have your pregnancy tests? Have you been to see your gp?

CrabbyPatty · 26/01/2019 14:30

I've been there too Flowers it stats with you doesnt it. See the beauty in remembering your baby. Maybe do a tribute in some way - I was quite discrete and just wore the Miscarriage Association pin at work on my due date. Or do something nice for yourself - afternoon tea, spa day etc. Maybe involve a trusted friend. The Miscarriage Association has a support telephone line. They also have a Facebook group and there is a page for miscarriage on Mumsnet. Lots of love to you. Xxx

Ellisandra · 26/01/2019 14:31

My best support came on line, not family or friends.
People who really understood - not just people who loved me.

I don’t say this to ignore your pain now, but it truly gets easier in time - and everyone woman I’ve spoken to since has said the same.

One day, you’ll wake up and later that day you’ll think about it and feel upset / in pain - but realise it’s the first time you haven’t thought about it first thing.

One day after that, you’ll go a full day without thinking of it. (that took me well over a year btw - don’t feel you’re unusual or wrong to still think of it)

I actually don’t think you can speed things up, just find somewhere to talk (as I say, possibly online) so that you’re not alone as you go through it.

I’m sorry for your loss x

Ellisandra · 26/01/2019 14:33

The other thing, as you’re young you’re unlikely to have friends with experience. So forgive them if they don’t understand.

Original poster
someoneneedshelp · 26/01/2019 14:42

Bold: AloneLonelyLoner
I don't have family I can speak to no, I have friends who are there to support me but they don't understand it at all as they haven't been through it, I guess they don't know what else to say because nothing has been able to ease this pain at all. I have one friend who has gone through an mc but bringing it up with her seems to bring back bad memories so I don't think it's ideal. I do love the idea about naming the baby, marking his/her existence with an item of value, i'll definitely consider this as I feel it will help me heal from the loss if my baby's being treated as an actual person instead of just an idea that hadn't come into existence even though it was my baby. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
someoneneedshelp · 26/01/2019 14:43

For those asking about my age, I'm 16 - 17 this year

OP posts:
Original poster
someoneneedshelp · 26/01/2019 14:47

Yeah I had been to the doctors about the miscarriage last year, they'd recorded it on the system and weren't worried about any fetal tissue still being inside my body, it was honestly the worst day of my life. I went home and cried, there was something inside me that hoped it wasn't a miscarriage but it was and the harsh reality sunk in

OP posts:
pandechocolate · 26/01/2019 14:54

So sorry for your loss OP. Flowers

Time Is a big healer but I personally went to counselling to help tall through my feelings and to allow me to grieve properly. People expect you not to talk about miscarriage and I think it makes it much harder.
Obviously a lid was taken off a lot of emotions during the first session and I cried all the way through, but in the sessions following I really learnt to manage my feelings, my thoughts about everyone else, and after 7 weeks I felt like a different person. Xx

pandechocolate · 26/01/2019 14:54

Sorry about the typos

SEsofty · 26/01/2019 14:59

Firstly sympathy. It’s a horrible thing to happen and only time will heal.

In your particular circumstances it must have been even more of a shock as not a planned pregnancy. Therefore you had to adjust to being pregnant and then not being pregnant within a relatively short period of time.

Therefore I would suggest that you focus on what you would have been focusing on if the pregnancy hadn’t happened. College, qualifications and a career.

Also remember that miscarriage is really really common and there is nothing to suggest in the future that you won’t be able to have a child

LokiBear · 26/01/2019 15:18

I found that buying a 'make your own' teddy bear and putting my positive tests in really helped. Then, when I felt sad, I hugged it and sobbed.

chilledteacher · 26/01/2019 15:36

We have a memory pebble in the garden which we painted with a name for our twins. We planted a rose tree and I like to go and sit out there from time to time. We were 10 years on 4th January, I can't say you'll ever get over it but time helps xxxThanks

CrabbyPatty · 27/01/2019 12:08

You sound very strongand mature. It will get better in time for you. But it's ok to never forget your loss. You have lots of wonderful things ahead of you I'm sure. Xx

Loyaultemelie · 27/01/2019 12:59

So sorry for your loss Thanks Age doesn't come into it you still lost your baby and it hurts more than anything. I lost twins at 12 and 16 weeks (one held on a little longer but he didn't make it either) and I will never forget them. We have a tree in the garden for them and lay flowers on the anniversary of the loss and their due date. On their due date each year we make a cake and my dds blow out the candles (dd1 is old enough to remember the day I had to have emergency surgery and almost didn't make it myself and she knows her brother and sisters names and that they are still a part of the family, dd2 was born after but is still aware she had a brother and sister in between). I'm not a tattoo person but I have one on the back of my shoulder with 2 babies cradled in hands and the date they were lost. Nobody really sees it but I know I'm always carrying them and I have a necklace Dh got me with 2 tiny pink sapphire hearts for them which I never take off.

AliTheMinx · 27/01/2019 13:13

I had 2 miscarriages and they were awful. The grief was all consuming. I am so very sorry for your loss, OP. Even 8 years on those memories are still so raw. After my second miscarriage we bought a piece of artwork with 2 hearts so we would always remember our little ones, and it hangs proudly in our hall. I know others who have planted rose bushes, etc. I also lit a candle in church in remembrance, and that was very comforting. We now have a son, and he brings us so much joy. He is 7 and my friend says that he is three lives in one perfect one, which I find very comforting. I still remember and talk about my 2 earlier pregnancies. I find talking about them validates their existence, and I was very open about my loss, which helped me to grieve and helped friends to understand how I was feeling. I would rather they spoke of it than carried on as though nothing had happened. I did find it hard when friends became pregnant, and I seemed to notice everyone with a bump when I was out. On the anniversary of the loss I always light a candle. It does get easier and painful, I promise.

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