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AIBU?

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Original poster

to contact this sexual predator's wife

51 replies

PurpleRaven · 26/01/2019 02:33

I've known this arsehole man for years, as a manager in various pubs/restaurants that I frequented. Probably for about 15 years. I had spoken to him many many years ago in passing when I've been a customer in the bars he's managed as on a hello and small talk basis. He's always come across as slightly off. As in a bit creepy but nothing I could put my finger on.

Fast forward 15 years and he ends up being a close friend's boss. Before this guy started at my friend's work, said friend got a call letting them know that this guy was sacked from his last place for stealing thousands of pounds. It slowly came out that he had been texting customers after getting their numbers from bookings, sending young waitresses dick pics and having sex with various members of staff. This information came from various sources across separate places he worked at previously.

Over the course of him working at my friend's place of work gossip starting doing the rounds that he was sleeping with various members of staff and sending others inappropriate text messages. One day, out of the blue, he was sacked. There were rumours but no one know the truth.

Tonight I have come across a newspaper article that tells the story of an amazing thing his wife has recently done. They have 2 young children. It is sickening that this poor woman seems to have no idea of the rumours that have being round about her husband and just how disgusting he is.

Since I found out all the things he's done and know some of the people directly involved I feel physically sick that this bastard is getting away with all the shit he has done. He is always getting away scot free. After he was sacked from my friend's work he walked into another job and then was sacked from there as money went missing. He is now working elsewhere in a male dominated environment so at least he's away from vulnerable young women. However I really want to tell his wife exactly who the man she is living and sleeping with is. I heard she kicked him out after he was sacked from my friend's work but now they are back together.

Should I let her know??

OP posts:
Shallishanti123 · 26/01/2019 07:36

Why would you go telling the wife of a “guy you’ve seen in bars” this stuff?

If he’s nicking stuff or pervy then she probably has some idea already.

SaltedIceCream · 26/01/2019 07:36

Tell her

getawayslough · 26/01/2019 07:37

''He is now working elsewhere in a male dominated environment so at least he's away from vulnerable young women.''

bit of misandry?? Sorry nobody is making these ''vulnerable'' young women do a thing, if they sleep with him that is their business,women do enjoy sex too....he may be a thief but by the way you headined this thread i thought he was going to a be paedo or something. I'd leave it personally, as my mum says live and let live. You really do have too much time in your hands...seriously get a hobby or something.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 26/01/2019 07:38

You weren’t involved and it’s purely hearsay that a friend told you and you want to go and speak to the wife! You don’t just throw a bomb in people’s lifes like other hearsay it would be different if you were directly involved and he harassed you.

TearingUpMyHeart · 26/01/2019 07:40

These thoughts aren't normal. Go find a hobby, an interest, therapy.

getawayslough · 26/01/2019 07:51

''So he stole thousands of pounds and was only sacked? Where are these places that you can steal money and no have police involvement?''

Suprisingly this happens more often than you might think, I can think of 5 incidents of the top of my head where staff were caught stealing cash from work and no police action was ever taken and 2 of the people went on to get new jobs. It happens. In my sister's place of work in the USA about 20 years ago, her colleagues were caught by mgmt staling on camera but the mgmt took no action,reimbursed the colleagues who were robbed and did not even confront the thieves....do not ask me why. Politics in workplaces as are people can be very strange.

Another example of this kind of behaviour is that 2 sisters[adults] in my hometown recently came forward and accused a man of mollesting them as kids, it turned out to be true and he got put in jail. Anyway turns out the girls' mum knew at the time and banned the girls from being around him and ''had words with him'' but never reported it. This man was a school bus driver and a father of children and for over 3 decaded nobody said a thing....As i said this happens.

MudCity · 26/01/2019 07:54

You are totally over-invested in this. Rumour and gossip isn’t necessarily fact. Who are you to spread gossip and tell his wife?

Jesus. If people spent more time focused on their own lives rather than other people’s....you must have a lot of time on your hands...

PristineCondition · 26/01/2019 07:56

You sound obsessed. Have you considered a hobby?

ShannonRockallMalin · 26/01/2019 07:57

If you were a close friend, maybe letting his wife know would be a good thing. But you have no idea of the real circumstances, and as a stranger you are not really in a position to offer support to this woman after you hit her with his horrible revelation about her husband.

I think if there’s that much rumour swirling around it would be surprising if she didn’t know anything, and for all you know they could be working on their marriage, in counselling, or perhaps she’s even made plans to leave in the future. What are you going to do, message her on FB and then walk away and leave her to deal with it? I would hope that she has already got support from friends and family who, you know, actually know her.

Seniorschoolmum · 26/01/2019 08:03

It’s none of your business. You don’t know any of this first hand. And the wife is not a close friend you need to be open with.

Why are you interfering in other people’s lives?

Fancyacuppaluv · 26/01/2019 08:09

Yabu - none of your business

MakeItAmazing · 26/01/2019 08:12

Look up predator too

ForalltheSaints · 26/01/2019 08:15

If you know someone who used to work with him, should you not be suggesting to them that the theft and sexual harassment be a police matter, and encouraging the victims to come forward to the police? It's not your place to tell his wife.

BlimeyCalmDown · 26/01/2019 08:19

You are over invested in this and his partner probably suspects some of it but if I were her I would definitely still want to know. It may just give her the final push and if it doesn't it will at least build on her suspicions to address it in the future.

Original poster
PurpleRaven · 26/01/2019 08:21

Without going into too much detail he has had a direct impact on my life. I could see through him however someone close to me was taken in by him. I'm not drip feeding, that's by the by. I just don't understand how someone can get away with all this??

Amongst the stealing and the shagging subordinates from his places of work whilst married he was sending unsolicited dic picks and inappropriate text messages to young women when he was in a position of power over them. And often gaining their contact details by underhand means.

I'm not obsessed. It was only when I saw his wife's name in the paper that it brought back the injustice of it all.

OP posts:
Pk37 · 26/01/2019 08:23

I’m sure if these rumours are out there she has probably heard them by now already

SummerStrong · 26/01/2019 08:25

This really is nothing to do with you, and telling her anything would be hearsay as you've heard all these stories second hand.

Fantababy · 26/01/2019 08:28

How do you think the wife would react, if a complete stranger care to her door to fill her in on some nasty rumours that they've heard about her husband? What kind of reception do you think you'd get?

explodingkitten · 26/01/2019 08:30

If someone would contact me about some unproven hearsay of gossip about my DH, I'd shut the door in their face and contact the police that there is a mad person on the loose. You have nothiing, no dick pic in your possession, no proof, not a victim yourself with intimate knowledge, nothing. It could all be untrue and you would be breaking up a family on a rumour.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 26/01/2019 08:33

I know it must be frustrating to wonder about his wife's right to know that he's a dick.

But he didn't do any of this stuff directly to you, did he? Your proposal basically consists of you telling her about various things that you have heard about him. At best you'll come across as batshit deranged. At worst she'll assume that you're trying to deliberately stir up shit.

Butchyrestingface · 26/01/2019 08:41

Without going into too much detail he has had a direct impact on my life

The detail is needed, because that's the only bit that wouldn't sound like you've been listening to gossip.

If he keeps getting fired from places, his wife will already know something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Hammondisback · 26/01/2019 08:42

No. Stay out of it. She will have friends and family better equipped to tell her. She sounds like a decent person, she may already know, and with 2 young children is deciding how best to move forward. No, definitely no.

CoughLaughFart · 26/01/2019 09:08

There were rumours but no one know the truth.

This tells you all you need to know. If at any point you have actual FACTS, report them through the proper channels. Approaching his wife, a stranger, would be bizarre and smacks of a desire for drama and a desperation to be involved. If you want drama and confrontation, Coronation Street is on six times a week. This is real life, where confronting strangers on the basis of rumour is generally considered a bit nuts.

Roussette · 26/01/2019 09:12

Spill the beans as to how he has impacted your life. If you can't or won't, you just sound over invested in some bloke you know. Rumours and tittle tattle are not the basis to blow up a bomb in someone's face.

Besides which his DW might well know.

What's it to you? Why do you want to do this? Bizarre

CoughLaughFart · 26/01/2019 09:15

It seems to be a common thing on here that people have a policy of doing nothing, keeping everything shiny and avoiding getting ones hand's dirty. I often wonder how so many people were able to perpetuate sex abuse and how generations of men and why sexism and disrespecting women in whatever form is allowed to happen. I think this is why, because even in 2019 we all sit around sweeping things under the rug. Would any of you do a solid act if you did have irrefutable evidence ? Probably not, you'd be too busy with your middle class pursuits and keeping up shiny appearances to bother.

What a load of nonsense. There is a world of difference between knowing a crime has been committed but doing nothing and instigating some bizarre, dramatic confrontation on the basis of rumour.

You’re trying to compare the bravery of people who came forward about sexual abuse when it would have been easier to stay quiet to behaviour that’s the equivalent of sending a poison pen letter. It’s fucking insulting.