To ask you how I can help someone out of an abusive relationship

[Squashages1111]

Hi,
I’m worried about possible outing so I have to be brief. Someone very close to me is in a relationship- long term with kids who are small, their husband I have realised this evening has been coercively controlling them for years. My friend is very unhappy, she is sad because her partner won’t/can’t stop drinking but further talks have revealed a whole other controlling side to me and the bits of the picture have become clear to me. She has gone back and forth saying she will leave if he doesn’t change, or stop drinking etc etc but he never does and she never leaves. I feel she is close to gaining the confidence and seeing the abuse I need help to help her see what’s happening to her- I think she is in denial.
Now sure how to guide her.
Also mumsnet hq I did start this thread on feminist support but not much traffic so if you have to zap can you please zap that one? Thanks.

Realistically, you can't force her out of the situation. It's a lot more complicated than just LTB. Let me explain.

1. If she's been controlled for so many years, it's possible that her self-esteem is poor. She may feel that she's not capable of making it on her own because he's convinced her that she's not.

1. She may have very limited financial resources. Many controlling partners don't allow their partner to have a job, or require the partner to give the abuser all of the money. If they have joint bank accounts and credit cards, or if everything is in his name, he could freeze their assets if she leaves and she'll have nothing.

1. She can't just walk off with the children. She could be accused of parental abduction.

1. She may have beloved pets that a shelter won't accept. Many abusers threaten to harm pets when a partner tries to leave.

1. Statistically, the most dangerous time for her is right when she's leaving the relationship. It's quite possible that her abuser may attempt to harm or even kill her. (This is not a theoretical risk. It's actually happened in many situations.)

Really, what she needs to do is to find ways to be safe. Here are a few tips:

1. She can contact a local domestic violence shelter or hotline. It may be helpful to call a totally innocuous number right afterward, so in case her partner attempts to redial the last number called, he won't learn what she has done.

1. She can try to limit her exposure to him, especially in situations where the risk of abuse is higher, as much as she can.

1. She can try to pack a "go bag" in case she is eventually ready to leave. This should include clothes and personal items for herself and the children, copies of important documents (e.g. the children's birth certificates), and cash. She should be socking away cash when she can get it. Cash can't be frozen, and it's harder to track.

1. If she has the resources to do so, she may want to speak with a solicitor regarding her rights. Many will give a free initial consultation.

Bottom line: it's often very, very hard (and dangerous) for a person who's being abused to walk away from the situation. On top of that, she's likely not being abused all the time. Abuse goes in cycles. Our brains are wired to selectively remember positive experiences and forget negative ones. She may be convincing herself that it isn't actually THAT bad, or that if she just "tries harder", that he'll come around. Sadly, that's not going to work.

Thankyou.
I feel she is in the last stages of denial. He has not yet been physical that I know of. But I agree it’s a possibility. I’m hoping she can see the abuse. That I think is the keyA but I’m obvs shying away from just saying “he is abusing you.” I don’t know if the shock of that would just send her deeper into denial, I feel she needs to come to the surface herself. She talks to me about leaving because of his alcoholism, however this is recent and the control abuse has gone on for their entire relationship. I wouldn’t try and force her to do anything, she is financially independent so that is one advantage, she is also part self employed. I think the first quiet baby step I’m looking for is how to show her an outside view that myself and others can see if her situation without sending her deeper in.