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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she doesn't want me there at all?

27 replies

PSILoveWine · 25/01/2019 21:33

Okay so one of the mum's at school invited me out for her birthday in a few weeks.
I said yes as I had been out with her before through mutual friends.
She told me she would add me to the party group chat and she did.
However after reading the previous messages I got the feeling she was disapointed not many people where attending and it made me feel as though she only invited me for numbers.
Anyway I didn't feel comfortable last week replying on the group chat so I messaged her personally saying I'm not really keen on group chats but I'll definitely be there and what are the plans? It was completely ignored!
That brings us to today when I took a look at the group chat and the convo was really flowing, discussing gifts and things and I wondered if it was a milestone birthday so I could buy a gift accordingly, so not being the most tactful person I decided to finally join in the group chat and ask what age she would be turning. Big mistake. I think I just killed the group chat, everyone's seen and not replied.
I am an incredibly anxious person and very much the people pleaser and I feel like this is the reason i'll never meet new people because I always end up making an arse of things, I really am a nice person after the awkward beginnings Halo
So Aibu thinking she doesn't actually want me there and wibu just removing myself from the group chat even though I would possibly risk having people think badly of me?

Thank you to whoever has read this far I know it's menial but these things bother me.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 25/01/2019 21:40

Do you like her much? She sounds like a twat to me

Fightingfit2019 · 25/01/2019 21:45

Do you think no ones replied because no one knows how old she is going to be?

Do all the people on the chat know you?

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t go🤷🏻‍♀️But that’s me.

Onebrokentoe · 25/01/2019 21:45

I’d go back on the group chat and clarify your question. Along the lines of ‘to clarify, is it a milestone birthday?’ and see what happens.

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 25/01/2019 21:46

The thing is i dont really know her at all.
I've recently moved to the area so I had took up the invite with hopes it would help me make new friends.
It's made me feel incredibly awkward.

OP posts:
Original poster
PSILoveWine · 25/01/2019 21:47

Good idea! I'll do this now. Eeek!

OP posts:
Pickled0nion · 25/01/2019 21:48

I think you're really overthinking this.

AJPTaylor · 25/01/2019 21:49

Yes I would clarify, something along the lines of " I would never normally ask an age but I wondered if it was a milestone birthday!".
Tbh in future you would be best just picking one of the people on the chat the question separately

VioletCharlotte · 25/01/2019 21:50

It was a bit odd to message her personally to say you don't like group chats, this makes you seem a bit standoffish. But rude of her not to reply after inviting you.

If you asked me how old I was going to be, it wouldn't bother me at all, but I know some people get funny about their age.

Auramigraine · 25/01/2019 21:54

I think the fact she’s ignored your private message shows she’s just doing it for the numbers type thing, if she genuinely wanted you to go she wouldn’t care where u asked about the plans..... I know how u feel I used to suffer with anxiety so much and wouldn’t join in with group chats etc. Personally, I wouldn’t go, unless she drastically changes before then, as tbh it does sound like she’s just invited you along for an extra head, she would just be a user and in the long run make you feel worse about yourself. Not worth it. Xx

gamerchick · 25/01/2019 21:57

Ah you're probably overthinking this OP. In your shoes I'd be thinking everyone's waiting for the answer themselves but didn't want to ask Grin

Go, relax and don't drink too much alcohol if you're an anxious people pleaser. You'll be ok. tbh she was rude ignoring your PM but it's a good way to get the feelers out if you've got a group in the same place.

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 25/01/2019 21:59

Thanks for your replies i know I'm a huge overthinker.
Would it be bad to remove myself from the groupchat? I don't particularly want to stay in it now but I also don't want any awkwardness after.

OP posts:
Auramigraine · 25/01/2019 22:02

I wouldn’t leave yet, the thing with anxiety (I know) is it makes you panic about what you’ve said/done, then u may get a reply tomorrow n feel relieved n wonder why u worried.....if u leave u will sit getting anxious over what’s been said about why you have left the group etc. Stay in there, see if anyone reply’s, u can always suddenly be ‘ill’ on the actual night out Xx

gamerchick · 25/01/2019 22:02

Don't do that, just turn off the notifications for the minute.

Come on OP, be brave you haven't done anything wrong.

Look at it again tomorrow, things always seem amplified at night.

Original poster
PSILoveWine · 25/01/2019 22:06

Aww thank you Aura and Gamer Flowers
I was ready to leave there until I read your replies.
Yous are right I will leave it, I hate anxiety and really wish it would disapear.

Xx

OP posts:
Swishswish26 · 25/01/2019 22:07

I would say don’t leave the group as it will say ‘PSIlovewine’ left the group so evertyone will know. If anything, just stay in the group but don’t post anything further in it.
For what it’s worth I wouldn’t go to the night out, she doesn’t sound like much of a friend.

Auramigraine · 25/01/2019 22:09

FlowersFlowers

Anxiety is the pits, it controlled my life for way too long. Citalopram changed my life. I can actually have a conversation at the school gates now without going home and worrying about what I said.

See what happens in the group chat, they are bound to start chatting again at some point before the night out. And if she does end up ignoring you then she has done you a favour by showing her true colours quickly Xx

NeverTalksToStrangers · 25/01/2019 22:16

I'm betting no one else on the group wants to say "she's 43" or whatever. I would say it has to be a milestone to justify a group chat about it (assuming she's over 25). If not, she's a twat.

Villanellenovella · 25/01/2019 22:20

Yes in general I think it's best to steer away from people's ages

Iloveautumnleaves · 25/01/2019 22:20

Definitely don’t leave the chat, because that’ll make it a bigger issue than it is.

Get the details from someone else, or the group chat, take a card and generic gift and go chat to people. You want to meet people, make the most of the opportunity 💐

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 25/01/2019 22:21

Probably people don't know, or they are worried she doesn't want to say.

I stay in the group chat since you've just moved to the area but would just add what you said about milestone birthday. She sounds a bit of an are not responding but you might meet some other nice people going and at least you won't be worrying about people talking about you etc

Iloveautumnleaves · 25/01/2019 22:24

If the chat is still quiet I’d say something like ‘Ooops, I didn’t mean to put anyone on the spot, I just wondered if it was a milestone birthday and if I needed to bring, say, 21 balloons or something!? 🎉

WhoAmIToTellYou · 25/01/2019 22:53

Try to not overthink it. Get the present, dont spend a fortune and go with open mind- they all might be not your cup of tea but you will find out soon enough. Dont get the expectations too high, i do think no reply from her is a bit shitty though.

poglets · 26/01/2019 05:43

Just mute the group in WhatsApp. You can look when you remember and find out details you need.

TeddybearBaby · 26/01/2019 06:01

Under normal circumstances I’d stay away from age too but when a grown woman is going to such lengths to organise herself a birthday celebration I sort of think she’s asking for it 😂.

These group chats are always like this I think.

I think you should still go. Who cares what her motives for inviting you were! You might meet some nice new people 💐

Bumbalaya · 26/01/2019 06:18

I think you're projecting a lot and imagining things. Take it at face value - she invited you because she wants you to come. If she didn't she wouldn't have. It's not very generous of you to think that she's just trying to get numbers up. I would have thought that no one knows how old she is. Don't let your insecurity spoil a possible friendship.