AIBU to be getting fed up with my sister

[Linlou82]

Will try to keep short but my sister is doing my nut in!

She has been married for 12 years she found out her Husband was having a 2 year affair last Christmas (2017). Tbh I was slightly relieved as he used to be nice but the few years before had become controlling and abusive.

My sister is very strict Catholic so him being unfaithful in my eyes was a blessing, she can be rid of him with no guilt or backlash from the church.

She confronted him last June and my brother and I have been main lines of support (the husband had cut her off from most friends and family) He is a good father (annoyingly) so planning on 50/50 split of my niece which both agree and no issues.

In my head my sister has a lot of positives ahead of her- she has a new job, can get back into her church life and friends, buying new house (granted part rent part buy) rid of a manipulative controlling bully but she is just constantly negative and it’s draining.

Before I get slaughtered for my insensitivity in the time this has happened to her- I found out I needed IVF, got made redundant, had new job where I was bullied by a colleague (I eventually spoke out and he got fired) my best friends brother took his life over Xmas, as well as someone from my school passing away. None of this I have visited on my sister knowing she is going through enough, she is aware but I only called her crying once when found out about my friends brother.

I have a new job now and starting IVF next week and I don’t know how to explain I can’t be at her beck and call?

She is normally so positive our father and brother passed away when we were young. Despite this we have always seen the light but she just sees darkness and I can’t deal with it right now. She also has no one else so I feel a monster to ignore her.

Any advice on how to help her without detrimental effects on me. She never asks how I am or takes into account what I am dealing with.

I don’t want to be a dick, I just need her to talk to someone else at least for the next month 😬

I don’t think you understand the impact on just how shattered her world is right it’s not something you get over and it’s in effect a loss, she is grieving her relationship she thought she had with her husband. Just because you hated him doesn’t lessen how she feels.

I think it's perfectly reasonable that she gives you some space for a month or so. It's not like her marriage fell apart last week, it was seven months ago and you've supported her. Now you can just explain to her that you have an awful lot going on and for the next four or five weeks you please just need some quiet time to get your head straight. I think that's perfectly reasonable

I think you’re being reasonable, actually. You need to protect yourself and you sound like you’ve given her an awful lot of time and support. Whilst yes, her relationship falling apart is awful, we all have our
own issues which take over our lives and you should be looking after yourself now. Falling apart and having a crisis would benefit no-one and would not help your efforts with ivf. Can your brother step up some more?

The problem with my brother stepping up is he was extremely close to my brother who passed away and has never truly got over it. He has suffered massive depression himself and it’s unfair for him, he still lives with my mother (she is 83) and has never married. TBF she needs a girlfriend to vent to- I just can’t be that right now. We are all close with our mum and she understands but limited what she can say.

The point of just because I didn’t like him- I probably didn’t explain properly, my sister has been miserable for years, even talked to him about separation but he gave promises of trying to work it out but turned out he was shacking up with someone else the whole time! She is genuinely going through a hard time but so am I.

I do have a great DH and friend network but also my demons. I was the youngest when my father and brother died (was 14) and I have now found out might not be able to have kids. I have never been bitter about others having children and adore my niece, in the main my sisters life looks brighter, she just can’t see it and I can’t be the person to help her right now.

Your sister needs a therapist, and you are NOT a therapist. I would tell her this and also explain you are really struggling with a wealth of issues yourself. You can't be her saviour.

YANBU. You've reached saturation point. I have a few friends who like to dump all their woes on me and most of the time that is fine and I don't mind/do want to help. Sometimes though I just feel like a sponge, absorbing all their crap (with none of the good stuff) and I just need them to stop for a while. I just need a bit of distance to 'mind' myself. Felt a bit bad the first time I was too busy to drop everything and deal with them, but actually it also gave one friend in particular the incentive to do something on her own, to realise she could.
You are not planning on ditching her forever, a bit of breathing space might do you both good?
Best of luck with the ivf

Thank you I will try and suggest a therapist, she was seeing one briefly but I think money is an issue.

I will say next week that in February, I am going to be less contactable and maybe better to speak more to my mum.

Hopefully when she can get back to going to church and becoming part of that community again, which was always a positive thing for her, then her outlook will be better.

I guess it has just shocked me as she normally is the most positive, bubbly person. I guess it really shows how things can take there toll.

Thanks for the luck 😊