To think my DM was being a bit cold hearted

[cadburymilkchoc]

I've been having a tough time recently. For background 2 years ago i left an emotionally abusive relationship. Lived in a refuge for 6 months. I know have my own place with my DS. I suffered PND and only got help for it last year. I was on anti depressants and have counselling. I found myself in a good place recently. Until i began having money issues over christmas trying to buy presents and keeping on top of things. I work part time atm due to childcare being expensive as well as studying too. I think had a guy enter my life from my past. Things were going well until he told me he didnt want a relationship. I am heartbroken but trying to move past it.
So i was at my DM the other day and we were talking about this guy, i was feeling sorry for myself and said i just dont understand and mentioned his exes. My DM reply was well obviously he finds them more attractive than you and they obviously have something you don't. I was shocked she said this, it was hardly comforting. I replied thats not really a nice thing to say when i'm clearly upset. She just shrugged her shoulders.
Today alot got on top of me, had an unexpected finance and i have hardly any money until pay day. The guy thing is still upsetting me as i have no luck with men. I just felt rubbish. I was fighting back tears. I went to my DM as she wanted to see my son. She could see i werent happy but not once did she ask how i was or just give me a hug. I finally cried and i said im just having a hard time atm. Didnt ask if i was ok, she knows the tough time ive had. I just feel shes very unsympathetic. And i just feel alone and have no one else to talk to.
Sorry for the long post.

god, sorry for the typos at the beginning

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I’m sorry you’re having such a shitty time op.
What is it you want from dm? A “there there” and a hug isn’t going to make it all ok.
You mention a background of an emotionally abusive relationship,PND, living in a refuge, then you felt better.
You have money worries over Christmas and this bloke comes into your life who “doesn’t want a relationship “
Your post seems heavily weighted on this guy.
Maybe your dm is at a loss to know what to do or say.
I would suggest really taking a good look at your life. I’m not saying you have had it easy, you haven’t, but you have to take control here

Don't want to leave you unanswered. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Your dm doesn't sound like she can give the support you clearly need - has she always been this way?

I don't think my mother ever asked how I was or shod any interest in what was going on in my life.
I feel your pain OP but you need a friend not your mother.

That's rubbish OP I hate it when life gets on top of you, it's hard and even harder when you feel like no one cares. Do you have any nice friends you can rant to? If not a nice bath and some crap Tele might help

Your mum sounds very unkind and unfeeling
Was she always like this?

Tbh OP id stay away from her
You have clearly done absolutely brilliantly to get a life for you and your DS and although it’s a struggle you are self sufficient and really making headway

You do not need negative unkind people around you and most definitely not when it’s a close family member

Who in your life is supportive and can be relied on? Spend your time with them

Its heavily weighted on the guy as i was in a good place mentally although still struggling with money but he came in and messed with my head. He has alot of issues too, he has depression and this has dragged me down a bit.
I would just have liked my mum to listen and to acknowledge what i was saying. When i left hers she said to me "dont worry, you'll have something else to worry about next week. We all do" said very matter of fact. Nothing comforting in her words.
Also she knows im struggling with money and she has said we need to book our holiday soon. Me, my parents and son went away somewhere in the UK last year and wanted to do it again this year. My Dsis and her fiance are coming this time. It's now revolving around when my Dsis can do and said we have to book it soon because she needs to know when to take holiday. I just looked at her in disbelief and said you know i have no money right now. Last year we booked it in june time, so gave me time to save.
I just feel shes not there for me atm

I have no one else in my life who i can rely or support on. Just me and my DS. I have friends but not close enough to tell them all this

It's hard when they are not supportive isn't it. I have, mostly, accepted that my 'D'M is not particularly supportive, and my DS is 'the chosen one' but just occasionally it gets to me. I have tried to be more supportive with my DD, as I know what its like. Sorry OP, its a bit rubbish

spongebob i smiled when i read my DS is the 'chosen one'.
Thats true for me too. My DS can do no wrong in her eyes, he could be on his worst behaviour and still he would be good. And when i talk to her when my DS is around im invisible. I don't resent him for it but i hate it when she does that.

It could be her version of tough love.

Sometimes hearing the truth is what’s needed even if not wanted at the time.

Sorry to hear of your hard times but does sound like a lucky escape.

How is you DM life is she going through things to?

I literally just wrote a AIBU thread as feeling stressed trying to be supportive when having own struggles.

Are their other people you could vent to?

Sorry just read more of your responses and you said not close friends. Maybe this could be an opportunity to get closer to them?

Arrange a meal at yours with wine and have a little rant I am sure you will find peers will have stories of feeling the same.

I think your DM is trying the best she can with the knowledge but in her head the guy in her DD life is give so she is probably quite happy about it!

I'm so sorry, she does sound cold and uncaring. It's so hard to know from just a post whether she is just cold and uncaring, or whether she maybe is a bit fed up with your problems. Regardless, you clearly are not going to get the emotional support you need from her.

I would suggest two things to focus on, one is to take more control of your life. Don't let guys who are unstable into your life when you know you're still fragile from past events, don't be rushed into paying for a holiday when you can't afford it, don't try and get support from someone you know will not give it. Be protective of your own well being. I admit, easier said than done! :-)

The other is focusing on friendships and making them better. This isn't right: I have friends but not close enough to tell them all this.

All the things you mention here are things I would share with friends, things that are normal to share with friends. Are you keeping friends at arm's length? A good way to get closer friendships is to be there for your friends. Help them, support them, and build up a mutual support network. If your friends really aren't going to be the ones you share things with, put effort into finding new friends. Again, not easy, but I think that great friendships will really help you. Good luck. x x

Forgot to say, really well done on leaving the abusive relationship. That is brilliant and you should be really proud of yourself for having taken control and getting yourself out! x

I am so sorry, OP.

Take a deep breath. Men are icing, not cake in some periods if our life. They can become cake, but it takes hurdles and time.

Congratulations on leaving abusive relationship.

I found that we often repeat the relationship with our parents in the relationships we choose with partners. Psychologists say we are still trying to fix the parental problems. Some sort of inner cosmic puzzle.

Please spend some time looking at yourself and ALL of your relationships. You msy find a pattern that can lead you to selfawareness.

Best wishes and don't look kindness where it does not exist.

IME OP....and it took a very very long time to learn that you have to put yourself first.
Don't spend your days worrying about your self interested and unsupportive mother...it's like she's perpetuating your misery at every opportunity.
I would suggest telling them that this year you are going to have to give the holiday a miss until you get yourself straight financially because you are just going to get deeper in debt if you listen to her.

cats alot of my counselling was to do with my parents and up bringing. Alot to go into but it's effected me and you're right we replicate that relationship which I have done with all my exes. I am self aware but can't break the pattern.
For a while I felt me and my DM were ok but I find when I go through a bad time she's not there when I need her the most. She was hardly there for me or understanding when I went into the refuge.