to feel guilty at putting 19 month old into nursery?

[selfesteemqueen]

I'm going back to university full time in August and my partner works full time so we're going to have to put DD in nursery (likely a few days a week). I can't stop feeling sick whenever I think about it, is that normal?

Is it normal to have so much guilt about it? I know a few people who have 1 year olds in nursery and they always say it's been such a benefit to their child's confidence and social skills but I just feel really uneasy about it and I don't know why.

I've been considering withdrawing my university place and reapplying next year when she's a bit older but our financial situation is already a bit precarious and would be benefited massively from me at uni and then straight into a full time job. Just feel like such a horrible mum putting her in so young

YANBU- you cannot help how you feel!

But 19 months is not that young at all to be starting in nursery.

DC1 was less than 6 months when they went into a nursery (4 days/week) but there was little choice in the matter as we needed the income, and I went back full time although lucky family helped out for one day/week.

Once they have settled in and got used to things, usually they will thrive in the new environment, learn many new things, make new little friends and you will be able to go back to university.

Honestly, I think delaying your place by a year may just make things harder when the time comes.

Good luck- completely understand your feelings!

You shouldn’t feel guilty OP. You have to do what you have to do!

But it’s sad that we’ve created a society where we put babies in nurseries for 50 hours a week whilst we go to work to pay minimum wage nursery assistants to take care of them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nursery is wonderful! They do so much with the kids. Today our nursery had a man in playing bagpipes, the kids made tartan kilts out of paper and they sampled haggis, black pudding etc.

They do a lot more than me! I'm so glad my dc go.

I'd start earlier than you have to. Start with half days or whatever so you both get used to it. It's v different choosing to put them in when you can loiter outside/go back early/etc versus when you are tight in time for arriving at work or uni and literally have no choice. I'd seriously consider a phased couple of months minimum if you have the option.

Op, have you picked the setting yet? I felt sick to the back teeth sending ds1 to preschool in Jan. I've since cancelled the place at that setting, didn't even send him..I've now.found a setting I really like to send him to.after Easter and feel zero.guilt or worry

My ds went to nursery (Montessori) at 16months by our choice and I'm a Sahm!
They learn and develop so so much. Your DC will be absolutely fine. They will be stimulated, socialise with other children and honestly just grow in leaps and bounds. Whatever your reasons are you will see the difference in your DC and be glad that you put them in nursery.

Both my girls went to nursery, one from 19 weeks, the other from 24 weeks because I didn't get as much paid maternity leave as people can now get. I worked part-time so they did 2 mornings & 2 afternoons to begin with. They absolutely loved it.

As others have said, the nursery did things I would never have done and they learned to share, to play cooperatively and to eat new foods without any fuss. Both were able to read before they left and it gave them a flying start at school. One is now at Cambridge, the other is sitting A levels this year.

We were lucky because DH worked at the uni so we were able to use their nursery. It had decent rates for students and did not charge for holidays as it was shut! As I was teaching in schools, it meant odd days when they shut and I still had work, but we could normally work around it. It was fab and I would recommend it to anyone .

My DS went to a childminder part time at 20 months when I got a job. He adored it. He really thrived.

I had him as a youngish parent and I didn’t know that many people with young children so it benefited him massively to spend time with kids of his own age.

I would definitely look into childminders. I know nursery’s are fantastic but childminders have a little more freedom to take children out and about.

I used to be so jealous hearing about the lovely things they did and the brilliant day trips. He had the time of his wee life.

My cousins child never went to nursery and she has just started full time school it's traumatic for both the child and parent.

So there is a downside of not putting her in nursery... 19month is not young at all

Honestly she will really enjoy herself and come on leaps and bounds. If you're at uni you won't have to put her in 7-6 5 days a week anyway so just look at it as a way for you to make the future brighter for everyone.

Also yeah childminders are a good alternative if you get a really good one. I went to one 3 days a week from 15 months back in the 90s and I loved her like a second mum

The thought of it is worse than leaving them in my experience. DD went to nursery at 11 months. The visits left me in pieces but she was fine!

I think it is normal to hesitate at the prospect of palming your child off to strangers to raise, which is in effect what people are advocating here. One person has tried to justify 47hours a week in childcare for an 18 month old on the basis the child loves it... yeah right, the kid knows no different and can't not say just how awful it is to share care with a dozen other kids in a totally unnatural environment that falsely sells the notion that non-parental care is somehow essential in a civilised world.
Pan forward a decade and these are the attachment disordered kids rolling into secondary with a whole barrage of issues.

I think, given what you said about your guilt and PND, this would be a really great time to encourage your dd to have safe separations from you (by going to nursery). Your worry is normal, but also probably hints at issues, and if you can get support to address them now, you might prevent your guilt causing separation anxiety for your dd as she grows up 💐. Look at nurseries and childminders and see which you prefer.

@TAMumof3 - I didn’t palm my DT’s off to nursery. DH and I made a positive decision to use a nursery for childcare when I returned to work full time. DT’s were six months old as that was the maximum maternity leave 20 years ago. DT’s are now at Uni and are brilliant adults who we are incredibly proud of.

Neither had an issues whilst growing up from having been to nursery (and neither did their cousins or friends they were at nursery with). The nursery staff were lovely and two became our baby sitters for years. Nurseries are not bad or have a negative affect on DC’s.

TAMumof3 what a load of shite. Mine were in full-time child care from 7 months and like Parker231 we are a very close family and my DC had absolutely no issues rolling in to secondary, followed by university and are both in high earning professions and have loved seeing their mum as a strong example of a working woman.

Secondary school issues? My 5 days a week in from 18 weeks old DD didn't seem to have any of those as she sailed through her school career as head girl, team captain and achieved fantastic GCSE results this summer. Perhaps the strong role models and family she has had supporting her have helped, along with the financial security she has had from having two parents following the professional careers they both put a lot of time and effort into developing before she was born.

Thanks all for replies!

I like the idea of phasing her in before. I don't go to university till August so will be going for a few tours and hopefully picking somewhere before summer so I could try some half days beforehand and ease us both in!

Also thought about childminders but wasn't sure which was best, I will check what's around me locally and see what I think will suit us both.

Really appreciate all the reassurance and kind responses!