Should I complain or just forget about it and never return?

[SPR1107]

Took DS 2.4 to a library group. They have a long room for the children and at the end is the reception desk. After the group, it returns back to normal library with some toys in too.

DS was on a small ride on, a little girl around 4 came over and asked if she could have a go, DS said no. I went over and knelt down next to him and explained that she'd asked him nicely, he needs to take turns, etc etc.
He was refusing, from her desk Library worker shouts 'DS if you can't share I will come and take that off you!' Thought it was odd, as I was knelt next to him, but thought maybe she was trying to be helpful. I continued explaining to him he needs to share etc, when she comes over and says 'Right OFF!' Whilst giving him a tap on the shoulder. His little face fell. She then took his arm, to stand him up, took the toy from underneath him saying 'if you can't share then nobody can have it' and removed the toy from the room.

She'd obviously shocked or frightened DS as he jumped in to my arms and was really upset. She then came back in to the room saying 'Mum, when he has finally calmed down, he can come and ask me nicely for it back'

The whole exchange happened in under 2 minutes.

I told her that I didn't think what she done was appropriate when I was dealing with it. She just said sorry and walked out the room.

5 minutes later she comes back with the toy, calls him over and starts making him promise to share before she gives it back to him.

As we left, she came up to him and said 'I noticed you like to play with cars, maybe next week when you come back, I'll get all the cars out for you and maybe even a garage!'.... we won't be returning.

So my questions are:

1. AIBU to think that wasn't an appropriate way to 'discipline' a 2.4 year old... or even to get involved when I was there (as was the other little girls mum, who seemed satisfied with how I was handling it!)
2. Should I complain? I always worry that complaining could result in someone losing their job, and then I'd feel awful. Did I say enough for her to maybe think twice next time and therefore the complaint not necessary?

Or 3. Am I being over sensitive because it's my first experience of a stranger telling my child off

YANBU I would not have been happy with a random stranger talking to my child like that when I was clearly dealing with it. However I would have stopped her the second she put a hand on my child. She may work there, she may run the group, but when parents are also present there is no need to discipline other people's children unless they are harming others and the parents aren't reacting at all.

I wouldn't go back and I would send an email explaining why I won't be attending again. Not so much a complaint but a 'maybe you shouldn't do that in future...'

I'd say she is fed up to the gills of listening to parents trying to persuade their kids to share
Don’t go back if you don’t want to. She won’t give a fiddlers.

1. She should not be acting like that. You were dealing with it he's your son she basically undermined you and obviously thought she was better at disciplining him. She sounds awful I would complain I doubt it would result in her losing her job but maybe might make her think twice about jumping in like that. Also grabbing him by his arm is totally unacceptable!

My guess is she gets fed up with kids not sharing, and thought you were asking not telling him to let the other child have a turn now ??
So she just jumped in and sorted it !

Completely inappropriate for her to do that. I wouldn’t return either.

I would probably write a letter outlining my concerns and stating that it has put you off the idea of returning.

Definitely not over sensitive IMO. You were dealing with it and there is no way she should have spoken to or made contact with your child in that manner. That’s not what she’s there to do.

Also, your son is two and a half. An age where they’re just starting to get the idea of taking turns and don’t always react well to the idea. She was expecting way too much from a child his age.

1. Oversensitive.

She behaved poorly but it sounds like she realised and tried to make up for it. You're only really cutting off your own nose if you don't return and it's convenient.

The thing is, your son was on the ride, an older child asked for a go, do we expect him to get up immediately? Surely the other child can wait their turn?
I think the woman was too heavy handed tbh and she realised that at the end.

She should not have touched your child. And it wasn’t her job to pile in when you were dealing with it.

But she did ultimately attempt to rectify it and to be kind.

I think an official complaint is an over reaction.

No no no, that's all levels of wrong, I am 'the library lady' and I wouldn't put my hands on a child unless it was life or death (I.e. if they were running out of the door, even then I try to kettle them back in) and I wouldn't interfere with a parent trying to manage their child!

If you are sure you don't want to go back, then you should complain. She won't lose her job over it but she will be spoken to and given some training and guidelines. It could be that it's a new role to her and she's not had any training, just thrown into it.

I would complain. She was really inappropriate.

Completely inappropriate on her part. It's not her place. Some people do say it takes a village to raise a child and all that, but if you are dealing with it the way you see fit, no one has a right to try and discipline your child.

I think she undermined you and was OTT but it also sounds like what you were doing was ineffective. Maybe she felt she needed to intervene for the benefit of the group as a whole. Does she have some kind of overall supervisory role?

I’m the first one to talk to another child if they are being arsed and wouldn’t mind a bit if someone did so to my child if they see it.

But not if I am there, and don’t lay a fucking hand on them.

Also, I would not have watched this happen and said nothing.

Definitely complain to the library Service.

Yes I would also complain. Totally inappropriate of her!

Blimey, shriekers out tonight. Library Woman was doubtless pigsick of other people's whiny kidz and dealt with it.

That's ok. DS will grow up better balanced if you let it go.

Well, she definitely read your annoyance as she tried to make up for it.

I think you already made your feelings known. She was heavy handed with her response as maybe she hasn’t had a toddler of her own, or thought your boy was older.

I can’t get upset with someone tapping my child on the shoulder, not sure why anyone is up in arms about that

I think you have to report it.

It's pretty weird behaviour to be honest.

If that's exactly how it happened, why was she interfering anyway?

Anyway sharing doesn't mean immediately giving up the toy you are playing with. I'd have given ds a few more minutes before saying give someone else a go now.

I'm not sure if I'd complain I'd go back with my head held high and if she interferes again tell her you're dealing with it thank you very much.

My children are older but when I went to parenting classes we were advised to encourage them to take turns, you can share a packet of sweets as there’s lots of them but not something there’s only one of.

YANBU

I have no problem with anyone else telling my child off UNLESS I’m already dealing with it which you obviously were.

I think I actually would complain, 2 is tiny still, they have literally no understanding of sharing or taking turns at that age. If she felt she really had to get involved then a simple “is there anything I can do to help” would have done.

She has a very old fashioned way of dealing with things.

Personally I have no problem with it, as often kids will listen to strangers rather than their parents.

But I know in this day and age, a lot of parents seem to think the death penalty is too good for anyone who dares to speak to their kids

Yanbu.
All those shrieking Please explain why a very small child should immediately share,
sharing is something that children learn in time, when they're that small they don't have the capacity to understand what sharing means. Being pulled away from a toy is not a great way to start teaching a child how to share.