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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a child free night?

48 replies

QuestionableMouse · 25/01/2019 19:10

My sister has just gone back to work after maternity leave. She has a six month old baby and a three year old.

I love them both to bits but I've had them every day this week, including three nights. I'm due back at uni on Monday and have some reading to do which I can't get done. I'd also like a bath without a toddler joining me.

She refused to pick them up last night on her way home from work meaning I had a 20 mile round trip to drop them off. I'm shattered and really wanted a night to myself to get caught up on stuff.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 25/01/2019 22:25

You really have to say no. What are you actually getting out of this arrangement? At 6 months old my second child was waking every flipping 90 minutes all night. I cannot imagine dealing with that were she not my actual child.

Villanellenovella · 25/01/2019 22:25

Why can't they pay for childcare

Butterymuffin · 25/01/2019 23:42

Listen OP. If you fail your course, you'll have the loan to pay off, all for nothing. You can't let that happen. You must make her see that your work (studying) can't just be put off all the time in favour of her working. Her husband will have to take his turn.

I can imagine they'll say they can't afford to take turns working. Well, you can't afford to fail your degree. They'll have to sort something else out.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 25/01/2019 23:43

They don't have the money to pay for childcare. Both sleep well but I just find it exhausting because the oldest is constantly on the go.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 26/01/2019 04:15

Was their second a planned baby? It does sound like they have considered things very well

PregnantSea · 26/01/2019 04:45

Tell her that it's too much for you and you can only do one or two afternoons a week maximum, and you can't drop the kids off yourself as you don't have time.

Interesting that you say she has pnd and she didn't want to pick the kids up - sounds like she's really struggling and is hiding from it all. Maybe she should go back to the docs?

Regardless, it isn't your responsibility to pick up the slack. You're setting a really bad precedent here by doing all this now. You can do a bit of babysitting for her sometimes but it's ridiculous to expect you to have the children this much. And it won't be helping her pnd either - she needs to learn to cope with having the children around most of the time.

PotteringAlong · 26/01/2019 08:01

Their finances are not your responsibility! If you have stuff on for your course you need to say no.

SaltedIceCream · 26/01/2019 08:04

Refuse to have them in the future is she can’t be assed to collect them!

BlackCatSleeping · 26/01/2019 08:12

The thing is the current system works well for them, so they have no incentive to change. It doesn't work for you, however.

You need to have a chat about what is going to happen when you start uni next week and have to study in the evenings. Come to an agreement about how much childcare you can realistically do and stick to it.

Bobbybobbins · 26/01/2019 08:33

Great advice ^

arethereanyleftatall · 26/01/2019 08:35

You must know that this situation is absolutely ridiculous op.

They can't afford childcare? Tough shit, they'll have to work something out, they chose to have children, they'll need to work more, step up a pay level, downsize, spend less, whatever, its 100% their responsibility.

I'm a bit of a door mat too op. It became very clear when my dc started school/activities with all the volunteering I was asked to do. It took me three years until I was 40 to start saying no if it didn't suit me. Now, if I can do it, I will absolutely help. But, if it will affect me negatively/be really inconvenient, I will say no. It's been liberating.

NameWithChange · 26/01/2019 08:41

A 6 month old who sleeps well 🙄 FML

Oblomov19 · 26/01/2019 09:06

Eh? Why are you such a doormat? Grow a pair of bollocks and just say no. FFS. Hmm

User758172 · 26/01/2019 09:12

Stop being a doormat, tell her the current set up no longer works for you and mean it. Grow a backbone for goodness sake! What a ridiculous situation. They’re not your children, not your responsibility.

NicolaStart · 26/01/2019 10:04

You need to be kind but firm and direct.

Sit down with a coffee and say we need to sort out an arrangement about childcare now that I am back at Uni. I have a heavy workload and exams coming up and my own job to manage. I can commit to xxxxx but no more. I am letting you know so that you can make the plans you need to get a permanent arrangement”.

Be modest, not over generous in anything you commit to because inevitably there will be an occasional emergency to absorb.

They need to work with the reality of their lives, so you need to be upfront and realistic. Or they will lurch from panic to exhaustion and back again and every time you will end up with the kids like you did this week.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/01/2019 10:07

Good mums don't dump their babies like that. This whole situation stinks, you need to start saying no and she needs proper help with the PND

gamerchick · 26/01/2019 10:08

Christ on a bike OP.

Look you have options. Stop being a doormat and tell her to care for her own bloody kids or you'll ask SS for advice if she doesn't want them.

Or put up with it and stop moaning.

Or alternatively you can tell her you're not doing any more babysitting full stop and stand your ground.

Honestly, it's stuff like this that makes me want to rattle people.

babysharkah · 26/01/2019 10:09

What a ridiculous situation op. You're enabling it. You need to just say no.

Returnofthesmileybar · 26/01/2019 10:17

Right this is the holy all of it - she's a complete piss taker, I don't care about work, pnd, good mother my arse bla bla bla, she's taking advantage or your good nature.

Now you have two choices here, stop taking the kids completely or take them but you'll be taking them knowing what she's like and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself when she takes advantage again.

If she asks again simply so "no I'm not taking the kids again, I have enough going on in my own life, you are taking the piss, what you did last week was disgraceful and I won't be letting it happen again"

Anything else and you're just another cheeky fucker thread waiting game to happen

Returnofthesmileybar · 26/01/2019 10:19

*waiting to happen, nor sure where game came from

FullOfJellyBeans · 26/01/2019 10:19

What the actual fuck? I'd let her know right now that since she's disrespecting your time you can no longer provide childcare beyond the odd day out here and there. Give her a little time to find other arrangements and then say no from then on. She's a royal piss taker.

TheBigBangRocks · 26/01/2019 10:20

A good parent doesn't refuse to collect their children imo.

Stop making excuses for her and she may have to grow up and face reality. If they can't afford childcare, they shouldn't be having children they can't afford.

After the non collection stunt, I'd not be babysitting again.

Eatmycheese · 26/01/2019 11:50

She only behaves like this if you let her.
Refuse to have the children unless she acts like anyone else in her position should which is bloody well grateful and not questioning why she has to drive to collect HER own children.

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