Teenage angst

[shhhFFS]

My DD is 12, 13 next week. I came home from work last night to her in floods of tears, really worked. I spent an hour talking with her and calming her down. It took a while to get info out of her as to the cause. She's not being bullied, she's not (too) stressed with school work etc. She is generally feeling down, depressed, anxious. I asked her about self harm, she mentioned about digging her fingernails into her hands when it's all a bit much but that's it. (Don't we all from time to time when you may be on the verge of erupting). I've told her it's ok to feel like that sometimes, and not to trivialise her feelings but her age will not help matters. I've told her if she wants to we can seek help but generally that I don't want her to bottle it up, come and off load to me, about anything, big or small, or even if it's nothing at all just come and have a hug.

She calmed down a lot and the chat seemed to have helped a fair bit. We have a good relationship anyway I think and I think its good that the narrative has been opened up. However, I went off for my run that evening feeling racked with guilt, as to where I may be going wrong that my DD could feel so down and out.

I get back, have a bit more of a chat and agree over the weekend we will come up with a bit more of a schedule where by she would have to spend less time in her room and only set times on her phone. I monitor what she does on line, and her phone so there doesn't seem to be anything untoward but I don't think its good to be in that online bubble too much. Same time, she's a good girl with good grades, and she deserves R&R time and some peace in her room (away from younger noisier siblings etc) so I also don't want to punish her as she's done nothing wrong.

Anyway, I always take her phone off her at bedtime to take downstairs. I know her password and she knows that this is so that if I wanted to I can check through her phone. So I did. And I find a load of messages of one of her male friends same age saying how down he is and that he is contemplating suicide. And my DD offering him counsel and support as best she can. I don't think is coincidental, she likes the boy, and I don't know if her own feelings are mirroring or if it is getting her down dealing with this, because I know it would me. Other messages off other friends, saying they are depressed, have anxiety, having panic attacks etc. All messages from this week and I don't think its a coincidence that they all had a Mental Health Awareness Day at school last week, all normal lessons cancelled and replaced with workshops on depression, anger management, anxiety etc.

Sorry this is a big rant, but what should I do? Maybe some of them do have genuine mental health problems, but I feel like a lot of this is dramatization. I don't know if I should speak to school. I don't know if I should be worried about some of these kids, or if I should do anything at all.

It all seems massively unhealthy to have this group mentality of depression which only seems fuel some and bring down others.

I am going through something similar.
My ds is at uni and his flat mate is very depressed and has the occasional melt down .
The first time it was only ds and this room mate as the others had already gone back for Christmas and ds slept outside this lads room to make sure he was safe .
He’s had a couple of “smaller” ones since then but Wednesday night he took a majority of his anti depressants and my ds and the other flatmates called an ambulance .
They let this lad back out early next morning!
My son is just exasperated as he doesn’t know what to do to help, it’s affecting him and his enjoyment of uni and I feel the university aren’t taking it seriously .
He is really worried about his friend but just doesn’t know what to do .
DS came to me with this so I know it’s not the same as your dd as you found out yourself but as she knows you can look at her phone definitely discuss it and make it clear she can not take it upon herself to “fix” her friend no matter how much she wants to and that she may need to talk to a teacher so someone else knows he is feeling this way and can get some help.
They’re too young to carry this stuff on their shoulders and they shouldn’t have to .
He’s constantly on edge now waiting for the next episode .
It’s really not easy is it

I really don't know how much to take seriously and be concerned about or just to ignore. I am pleased and proud that my DD is being a thoughtful and supportive friend but I also don't it to have a negative impact on her at such a crucial age.

I know a lot of it is part and course of being that age. I am/was a young mum, I'm not yet 30 myself so its not an all to distant past when I remember feeling like that although I was a bit older than my DD. But even so, things have changed a lot since then with social media being such a huge thing now.

I do feel that there is a culture though online and being passed to young people about mental health and everyone having issues. it's good that they are out there and talking about it but I also think everyone feels like they've got a diagnosis, rather than just accepting that you are sad or down or depressed for a valid reason rather than having a condition.

My son is the same age as I was when I had him so I also remember all the ups and downs of teen stresses but also depression runs in my family so I’m equally worried this could push my son over the edge.
It does seem though that in your dd’s case that maybe it is jumping on the bandwagon so to speak because it’s never explained now that it could just be feeling down and and it’s like “oh I must have anxiety or depression etc..”

Think they need to focus on when to know it crosses over from being “sad” to depression .
Sadly it seems in my ds’ friends case he suffers from mental illness and has done since quite a young age but won’t admit it . He won’t take his tablets and no one really seems alarmed by that apart from his friends .

No one can tell his parents because at 18 they are classed as adults so they’re pretty much left to it. I would hate to think my child had taken an overdose and I wouldn’t have been any the wiser .
Still think in your dd’s case someone should tell an adult as teens have been known to take drastic measures as a way to garner attention or even just because they become so transfixed on suicide , depression , anxiety that they have no normal coping mechanisms as it’s all doom and gloom and no way out .
Either way it’s scary

That's sad its being put all on your DS. You would think parents would want to know if there were issues like that with their children if they were 12, 18, 25 or 50!

I think the dangerous thing with young people thinking like that is that they lack perspective. I remember. Everything seems like the end of the world because to them it is. And as you get older you gain the perspective of being able to think more logically about things that cause you upset or trauma.

I will try and chat to her a bit more and I might think about talking to the school about it. They used to have PSHE lessons once a week to discuss these matters, but now they have 1 day every term where they launch a bunch of information at them and leave them to it. And it just seems counter productive. Plus I am now curious what has been taught in these workshops to trigger this. I had thought originally when they started the 1 day things that the workshops might be with professionals in those fields but it is still just with the teachers, so its clearly just a way of cutting those lessons.

I agree that depression is contagious. If you are close to someone and they are depressed and talk about suicide all the time, then how can you not get severely anxious and worried about it yourself? I have a family member like this and I've put a gteat deal of distance between us. Selfish maybe, but all in the inyerests of self preservation! Meanwhile he continues to fill his Facebook page with memes about listening to depressed people and how we are all collectively responsible for other people's mental health. Like the people around him should be willing to listen to a constant stream of negativity. Sorry but I don't agree.

OP, my DD is also 13 and this kind of terminology is something they all seem to be latching on to. Feeling a bit tired? Oh it’s “depression.” Stressed about the French test? That’s because you “have anxiety.” As you say, they have no perspective and celebrities online are all expressing themselves in this kind of language. My DD is not too bad, but she says there are girls who spend their lunchtime googling mental health terms and then deciding who in the class is suffering with what. It’s all quite exhausting really, but you sound like a great mum and your DD is probably just picking up on the mode of her friends and online trends. That’s not to say people dint become mentally unwell of course, and there’s certainly a lot of pressures on teens nowadays, but there is a difference between stress and mental illness and they could do well to understand this.

See I remember crying all the time at that age and it was definitely just hormones. Confusing and bewildering at the time, but just hormones. I feel that with the added awareness around mental health now, a lot of young teens are probably diagnosing themselves when their feelings are actually very normal for their age. Resilience is a big issue among kids that age and id really recommend looking up resources for your DD on this and remind her that it's great to be a good friend, but sometimes there's only so much you can do and if she's worried about a friend she needs to speak to you about it

I work in a secondary school and we have this problem. Of course it's positive that Mental Health is talked about more openly in schools now but unfortunately it can also lead to students self-diagnosing and medicalising perfectly normal thoughts and feelings. We try to combat this by reminding them that anxiety, sadness and anger are all part of the normal human experience and that it's only a 'disorder' if it actually impacts on your day to day functioning. We try to talk about 'exam nerves' instead of exam stress or anxiety in the run up to GCSE's, for example. We also try to drum into them that they are not responsible for each others safety so if they are concerned about a friend (particularly in relation to self harm or suicide) they need to tell a trusted adult instead of trying to deal with it themselves. It's tricky though as adolescence is such an emotionally turbulent time anyway, it can be hard for an experienced GP to distinguish between MH issues and typical teenage mood swings let alone parents and the kids themselves. It sounds as though you have handled the situation really well so far. The important thing is that your DD learns healthy ways to cope with her negative emotions. Perhaps you could suggest trying meditation or doing a yoga class together or something?

Your post is very helpful Minister, thanks.

And because these days everyone has self-diagnosed depression and anxiety the ones who really do have severe depression and anxiety (under CAMHS, time as an in-patient) don't get taken seriously because they don't talk about it and "don't look depressed" (whatever that means in the minds of those who say it) and get told to pull themselves together and get on with things.

Plus I am now curious what has been taught in these workshops to trigger this. I had thought originally when they started the 1 day things that the workshops might be with professionals in those fields but it is still just with the teachers

This is a good point. Teachers aren't experts in mental health and shouldn't be put in that position. While I'm sure they've done their research in preparation for these workshops, 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing' as they say. Charities like Samaritans and Papyrus go into schools and colleges to do workshops with kids if requested. I wish more schools would take advantage of this.

I have seen this problem and genuinely believe there is a strong element of ‘me too’ amongst teens with anxiety and depression.

A friend attended an event at her Sd’s school where the dc had been practising their public speaking ( voluntarily). They each stood and gave a short speech on a subject of their choice and one after the other they talked about self harm, anxiety and bereavement. The teachers were mortified.

We need to be open with teens that being a teenager can be very shit. Hormones give mood swings and all the changes can be difficult. It’s not an illness (for most), it’s part of growing up. And if someone is worried about a friend they need to tell an adult.

I don’t mean to trivialise the angst of adolescence but this ‘me too’

Thanks all and especially Minister that's a useful insight. I might contact the school about their decision to do this 1 day PSHE day. Because I don't think it helps. They have 1 day which makes them think about a lot of things but that's it then apart from pastoral care which I know is overrun. The weekly lessons they had before has the potential to open up a better conversation with kids. Even discussion groups in lessons.

I don't blame the teachers in anyway I have several friends who are secondary school teachers who hate delivering these talks they feel ill equipped and unable to back them up. Charities are willing to go into schools, I know this from a friend who works for a debt charity and they are desperate to get into schools but schools seemed to be tied up in red tape.

I've spent the night with my DD we've had a games night and made nachos together, she seems happy and relaxed. I have also searched her phone again and this lad is still making it clear he is deeply unhappy. Post our chat my DD has messaged to tell him to speak to his parents because she's spoke to her mum and has felt better (which made me feel super happy) . I'm going to monitor messages over the next week and if I see more to be concerned I might flag it up to School. I don't know this child's parents so I can't approach them