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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stay no contact after 12 years?

9 replies

StolenShortcake · 25/01/2019 09:11

I could really do with some advice. I'll keep it concise!

I have four sisters. One older, three younger. My childhood was extremely abusive. The police and social services were very involved, and I made it my mission to have my younger sisters put into care, but didn't succeed until they had already been badly affected. Two are now adopted, but it happened too late. My mum was mentally ill and obsessed with tiny babies, and my dad was spineless and would run away for weeks or just sit and ignore everything, even SS.

I got everyone out when I was 17. Older sister went into assisted living with her own flat, sister #3 went into an assisted B&B as she was too young for a flat. Both kept breaking the rules and lying about terminal illnesses, moving in unsuitable men, so both lost them. Both of those are believed to have the same condition as my mum. The two youngest were put into foster care and have been adopted, and I'm in contact with them via their parents, through letters and occasional meets. They're both quite damaged by their childhoods, to be honest.

I moved in with a boyfriend who turned out to be abusive too, but helped me to go no contact at least, after my mum kept reporting us to the police for things and breaking in. She went mad. I got therapy and cut them all off. The only contact they ever made with me was needing money, I must have sent them all thousands (that I didn't really have but felt responsible for them all, somehow).

Last contact was with sister #1, who said she had proof of a lot of money my mum had that was due to me (from an inheritance and in credit accounts she had taken out in my name), but she wouldn't give me. She wanted to meet in a park near where we used to live, late at night, and seemed rather unstable. She claimed sister #2 had slept with her husband.

Sisters #1 and #2 now have children, according to anonymous Facebook messages. My mum sent money to an American soldier she met on Skype, flew out to meet him and he didn't exist. My mum and dad are apparently divorced, and the latest message says my dad remarried a few weeks ago and sister #2 has another child. I don't know who is sending the anonymous messages.

The idea of them brings me out in cold sweats. I've been anxious since I saw the latest messages this morning. I have them blocked on everything, I live in fear a bit of them coming across me professionally, I've moved jobs a few times when they have (sadly my career path means I'm usually featured in things). My current DP is wonderful and hasn't met any of them (although knows about them).

It's been a long time. When they aren't messaging me, the scars have settled (physically and mentally). DPs family have adopted me as one of their own. I don't think about them much anymore. I keep a close eye on my own mental health and I have had a lot of therapy. Is it unreasonable to just ignore the messages? I'm 29 now - will I regret this when I've got my own family?

(I can't block them any further - they do already go into filtered message requests but I was stupid enough to check there for some reason this morning and I feel all out of sync)

OP posts:
twirlbabytwirl · 25/01/2019 09:14

Would you come off social media all together?

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 25/01/2019 09:15

Definitely sounds like you're better off without them!

As for regretting it when you have children - would you honestly want them around your children? I wouldn't!

Well done you for surviving and being so strong. Thanks

BeatNickBeamer · 25/01/2019 09:16

YANBU. I would avoid all contact with them. If they can't be blocked any further and you want to keep Facebook can you change the settings so no one can send unsolicited messages? If not can you have DH check your messages for you and just delete and block any from your family?

It sounds like you've got you life on track despite your family and any further contact with them is likely to be detrimental to you (and it doesn't sound like it will be all that helpful to them either since they don't actually want to change or improve)

StolenShortcake · 25/01/2019 09:19

Would you come off social media all together?

I can't, sadly. I keep the lowest profile I possibly can, but I have to have some social and web presence as part of my career... I'd need to take a pretty big demotion to go back to a position where I'm not expected to be an "online thought leader". I have considered it, along with changing my name, which might make it harder for them to find me.

Thanks for the comments. I don't really know what's shaken me this morning! I have a contact at Facebook so I'll see if there's any further options there, and if not, getting DP to check the messages is a good idea Flowers

It's been a long road. I feel all sorts of oddly emotional over it today Blush

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 25/01/2019 09:24

Is changing your name an option.

Eg If you are Jacqueline Smith by birth, could you use Jackie, Jaqui [married name] and just vary it slightly?

Blocking them means they cant send messages, let alone go into flitered.

Can I ask why you are frightened of them? What do they have in their power to do to you? What would alleviate your fear of them?

Itwasbestoftimesworstoftimes · 25/01/2019 09:32

How would they ruin your career? I wouldn’t come off social media. Realistically what can they do to harm you?

They sound like they’re best kept at arms length.

Itsagamerchanger · 25/01/2019 09:32

Can you change your name professionally or on Facebook? Less hassle.

Now listen OP: you are not, and never have been, responsible for saving anyone. You were badly let down by the system and your parents. You absolutely should not and must not engage anymore with their fantasies. They are unwell people, you tried your best. If they are harassing you then you need to get legal advice/police advice. Family does NOT mean you are responsible for them. I know this is hard. You will not stay mentally well if you have contact.

You must look after you Flowers

WH1SPERS · 25/01/2019 09:39

Yes you NEED To stay NC for the sake of your mental health.

And no, you will not regret it when you have children. You will be 100% sure that you did the right thing to protect them. These people will harm and abuse your kids, it would be negligent of you to allow contact.

Just to warn you, having your own kids will trigger A LOT of bad stuff from your past. You need to plan for this and set yourself up with counselling / therapy , perhaps even from when you TTC.

Can you get your partner to check your filtered messages and only tell you information that you need to know ?

You need to be more careful about your media presence, if it’s allowing your family to track you down. Lots of people do this now - because they were adopted or fleeing violence, or have families like yours .

SuchAToDo · 25/01/2019 09:40

Op close down that social media account that is under your name and open a new one under a handle ...kind of like on mumsnet where we have account handles.(for example your mumsnet handle is StolenShortcake...make up something meaningful for your social media handle...if your name was Helen and you like books...call yourself bookworkH...do you see what i mean...

Then on your new social media page keep your profile picture not of you or your family, keep it neutral like a nice scenery or quote...

Then only those who you trust you tell them.you are changing to this new social media page and when they message you online not to refer to you by full name but by your handle name...

Then set your new social media page to private

Set it so nobody can tag you in photos and messages etc

On your new social media page be pre emotive and block your family and all of their contacts (so you know that they can't use their friends to reach you)

Once you have done all that, you can delete your old.page...you will have disappeared but from them and they won't be able to find your new profile online

Make sure.you set the settings so your profile can't be found by searching your new, email and mobile number

Whatever you do don't reply to the anonymous messages, it is likely one of your sisters trying to goad you back in to their drama that you don't want or need in your life...

Do the above and then you can relax and they won't be able to contact you

Also once you have your new Facebook profile don't accept friend requests from anybody you don't know..

Your husband may have to do the same and make a new account if they know his name to find his Facebook account (as they may find you through his account)

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