To be concerned by future father in laws comment?

[sakurablossoms]

Hello, name changed for this as it might be outing.

I'm getting married next year to a Japanese man (born in Japan but raised all over the world) and will be meeting his parents next month.

My fiancé spoke to his father about my visit and his father seems a bit reticent about our marriage. One comment he made was that since I'm not Japanese it will be impossible for him to do a thorough background check on me and my family (something that would be easier if I were Japanese due to their family register system).
In any case I was quite taken aback as I assumed he would be more understanding (he worked in international business his whole career as an expat; sent my fiancé to boarding school in the states etc)

My fiancé says to just ignore it and that's what I'm planning to do for now but I'm wondering if I'll be under a microscope for the rest of our marriage! Any advice?

For context, we are not living in Japan at the moment but might in the near future. Also, if it's relevant my fiancé is an only child and the family is fairly well off.

Blimey-what did your DP say to him about that?

Hi! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

I'm married to a Japanese man, but it sounds like our DPs are from quite different backgrounds. I've just asked him about the family background check, but neither of us have ever heard of it- this may just be down to our ignorance!

I think that because Japan has a very unique culture there are bound to be some jarring things, especially relating to something as significant as marriage.
I can only speak from my own experience and happily my husband's family have always been extremely helpful and supportive even with their non existent English and my pretty basic Japanese! However, I'm sure that Japan has it's fair share if tricky In-laws as does any other country! It's hard to predict what your PILs' attitudes will be- their reserve may just be down to nerves about change and the unknown. How is your Japanese? Brush up a little if you need to- always appreciated, even if their English is great! If you're meeting them in Japan look up Japanese customs too- I'm sure you're probably aware of the basics like different slippers for the bathroom, not blowing your nose in public etc. Or if you're meeting up at home is there any chance of them meeting your family (or Skype)? That might help too.

I used to read a great blog (but forget the name) about an American lady who married a Japanese man and lived there- may be interesting if you can find it. As for the wedding itself, where are you planning it? If not in Japan is there any chance of having a traditional shinto ceremony there at another time? That might be nice if they're very traditional.

I hope this is useful. Even if you do struggle remember that your fiance is marrying you for you- his parents should respect that.

All the very, very best of luck!

I am sure you are aware, but if you have children in the future do carefully consider where they are born. I believe japan has very strict rules including no dual nationality and the father having primary responsibility.

I’m not saying things would go wrong, but do ensure you have some protection.

Also if your husband to be is the first born son, it’s worth having discussions around expectations of family businesses (etc) / elderly care now rather than in the future.

I maybe wrong on the first point (apologies if so) but it’s worth investigating.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

I am married to a Japanese man and have lived in Japan for a long time. I have heard of a background check before but these days I think it is something only “well-to-do” families would do. I suspect they would check for things like whether there are Burakkumin roots or multiple divorces and things like that. I think your FIL is a bit old school.

Even if he is a bit reticent now about an international marriage, I’m sure he’ll relax a bit when he’s met you.

If you don’t already speak Japanese, my advice is to learn asap - especially if you are planning to live in Japan so you don’t have to rely on your husband too much.

Other than that, good luck! It seems there are a few of us here with Japanese husbands. Perhaps we could start a support group 😅

Just keep telling yourself, you are marrying the son, not the father!
It will be fine, even if it is only because you outlive him!

Wow. Well, he's shown his hand early. I'd be super nice & have minimal contact. Forewarned is forearmed. It might be standard for him but to me, it's looking for amunition that could be used/held against you later (divorce or child custody etc).

Your fiance sounds a bit dismissive about his father's concerns and that could be good, but it could also just be a way of gaslighting you a little.

Pre-marriage counseling might be beneficial. It's useful for couples who are raised similarly and might be even more helpful for cross-cultural couples. It helps you talk through things like your approach to spending and saving, careers, children, looking after parents, etc. and highlights assumptions you've made without realizing it so you can talk proactively about how to approach those decisions in the future and not be blindsided in a few years when it turns out you are both assuming totally different things about the same situation.

I am the only one who thinks it odd that you have never met the parents of the man you are going to marry?

It sounds like your future FIL isn't very open to outsiders in his private lives - they might be fine in a business context, but not actually "in the family."

As PPs said, I'd definitely delve deep into life in Japan and what rights you have as a non-citizen - and what any future children's status would be. You don't ever want to be in a situation where you can't stay with your children or they can't live in your home country.

BTW,, I didn't bother looking into anything when I married my American DH and I wish I had. Not that there's ever been a problem, but it's always better to be aware of these things..I was blinded by lurve.

Gosh, Manjuu, I had to google the term Burakumin, it seems awful and very similar to the Indian caste system, is there still a great deal of discrimination against them? Could you tell us a little more, the Wikipedia stuff is quite dry, how do ordinary Japanese people feel about them? I’d never heard of this, sorry to derail the thread!

@BoomBoomsCousin

Excellent suggestion, Boom, there are so many subjects that you just don't consider when you're first together and it can be a real shock when you realise that your OH has a completely different approach to something.

It happened to SIL - about a year into their marriage, her DH calmly stated that when his parents retired, he fully expected to financially support them, completely take care of them, etc. (he has siblings). It was a huge shock for SIL, it had never occurred to her that his parents might need major financial support, nor that he, as the eldest child, was expecting to solely provide it.

They must've worked out a compromise, but it would've been better if they'd discussed it earlier!

@mediumred

I don’t think Burakumin discrimination is as bad as it once was but a lot of families in certain areas of Japan would be against their children marrying someone of Burakumin origin. They are not an ethnic minority so most of the time the only way you’d know would be if they told you or you hired someone to do a background check. I think background checks to discover if someone is Burakumin is actually illegal but I’m sure it still goes on. Also, certain surnames or hometowns are associated with being of Burakumin origin. My friend worked in a historically Buraku area and she said it was a little economically deprived.

However, this topic rarely comes up in conversation. I’ve asked my husband about it and he’s not too knowledgeable about it. There are a few famous politicians of Burakumin origin but I think they have been discriminated against in the past.

@Fairenuff

It’s very common in Japan to only meet the parents when you’ve already decided to marry (I also think it’s a bit weird though!). Most Japanese people don’t bring gf and bf home to meet their family and when they do it’s under the assumption that you’ll be getting married soon.

So I don’t think there’s anything unusual about the OP only meeting her future FIL now. When I first met my husband’s parents we weren’t engaged but by bringing me home to meet his family it was the unspoken equivalent

I would relax. If it is a tradition that would be done in Japan (in his circles) then he could easily refer to it without actually meaning he thinks you are a risk. Eg an English future fil making a joke about not wearing a white dress wouldn’t actually be commenting on your status as a virgin, just the tradition. Agree worth discussing other expectations with your dp! Might be a good idea if you can find someone to get another Japanese person to mediate/ lead the basic discussion as they would remember ones your oh doesn’t perhaps and be less personal about it all.

I would have a proper, honest conversation with your husband about his family. Not accusing, no shouting, just ask him openly what it's going to be like, what the boundaries are and what they will expect of you when you have kids.

You need to know what you'll be up against and how your husband will deal with them - for example, if his parents insist on something that upsets you will he back you up or take their side?

I'm not saying that you call off the wedding based on his responses , but I think it's good to know where you stand as you'll be in a better position to make decisions.

Is @TanteRose still on here?

Back in the 90s my best friend was a PA to a Director of a big international Japanese company and she said her boss had detailed horoscopes done of any managerial staff taken on. It sent to a woman in Japan and my friend claimed lots of companies did it.

Hi yep thanks for the heads up @Tippexy

I've been in Japan 27 years and Married for 23 years to a Japanese guy.
He was an English teachers (now runs his own business with international contacts) but his parents were very ordinary older generation Japanese (fought in WW2, lives through the US occupation etc) who never once asked for a background check or even questioned my nationality or showed any problem about my not being Japanese.

Your DF's family may well be more conservative precisely because they are monied and have international experience.

I wouldn't worry too much but...if you return to Japan, your DH might revert to form and become way more traditional and conservative than he is when he's out of Japan. Just bear it in mind.

If you have children, they WILL be able to have dual nationality- officially until they are 22, but actually they can keep both passports after that (it's a don't ask, don't tell policy)

Let me know if you have any other specific questions

And yes it's relevant that he's the only child and is set to carry the family name and keep up traditions incuding things like family grave.

@Manjuu hi!

seems there are a few of us here with Japanese husbands. Perhaps we could start a support group

We could start a thread in Living Overseas?
There was a Living inJapan thread a few years ago which was fun...