To laugh at teen DS calling me a cunt?

[BreatheDeeplyCountTo10]

To ignore him telling me Fuck You, Piss Off and proclaiming me a Fat stinking Arse?

I can't cope with the stress of getting angry about it anymore. It doesn't work.

When he told me 'to fucking die, you piece of shit' earlier. I tutted and said 'oh honey, that's not a nice thing to say to your Mum' . Felt so much better than losing it and turning into a standoff.

He's got SN BTW!

Been informed by a relative that he will only get worse (he can't) and I am condoning this behaviour to younger DS, who is more affected by me getting angry and the situation escalating IMO.

I would probably go for completely ignoring it rather than trying to joke about it. I agree that getting angry in these circumstances is probably just escalating things.
for you. I remember many an evening of my brother (also SN) kicking off and swearing at my Mum the minute my Dad went out the door. I agree your youngest will be more affected if he has to hear you screaming and shouting too.

Joking is surely going to confuse the issue? Try to ignore or repeat, ‘Not ok.’ Each time. Agree that getting angry is no use either.

Sending sympathy though because it sounds draining.

I feel for you - you're clearly having a really tough time.

You have to do what's best for your family, and that includes you and your younger DS.

Don't let your relative get you down. They aren't (I presume) the one putting up with it day after day and they don't know the impact constant fights and telling off are having on you.

Of course in an ideal world your DS wouldn't speak to you like that - but you can only deal with the circumstances you are in as best you can.

YANBU, I think your are completely right (and that's what I do too when my kinds are unkind to me).

Are those the only two options available – losing it completely or laughing?

Are you also following up calmly with consequences after the laughter? Or is he learning that he's allowed to say things like that to you now that he's worn you down enough?

I have no experience of SN teens and I don't know the nature of your DS's SN, so I may be way off here (and willing to be told so), but that strikes me as hideous language and behaviour and I wouldn't feel great about telling you that your only option is just to roll over and take it.

Keeping calm is good. But beyond that, I think his options in life will be drastically reduced if he thinks that's a reasonable way to speak to those who care for him. And if he knows better than to do that to a teacher, or doctor, then he can control it and shouldnt be speaking like that to you.

It is extremely difficult to deal with as I myself, despite suffering quite severe abuse from my mother, never dreamed to swear in front of her let alone at her!

His twin (without SN) has never sworn at me although goes into 'Kevin' mode quite often. I blame DS2's SN as he can't control his temper when he gets in a rage, although funnily enough he never does it when DH is at home .

Little DS is aware DS2 has difficulties and has never copied him yet, apart from calling me 'fat bum' which is on the very tame edge for DS2!

Honestly what your life can be reduced to........

He has severe learning difficulties and no, he doesn't swear at anyone else aside from me, his brothers and sister. Me mostly because I'm carrying out consequences like banning Ps4 or removing Ipad or phone, or making him go to bed or get up!

I don't really think you're going to get any useful advice, just judgement, from a thread with that title in the AIBU section.

I'm the first to say not all threads about DC with SN need to be on the SN boards, as they are still our DC and should be discussed in "everyday life". AIBU as a board though is more of a fucking snake pit for judgement than advice and I can't imagine you're actually wanting judgement from people, a vast majority of whom have no relevant experience.

What are you after from this thread? I would be asking MN to move it into Chat personally perhaps with a clearer title and you may get useful advice and empathy rather than people thinking you genuinely want to know if you are BU!

I didn't mean that post snarkily btw. It's just if you're feeling stressed or fed up, an AIBU thread is likely not going to help you feel any better

sounds difficult OP.

I don't think getting angry will be in the least helpful so you're doing it absolutely right. It sounds like you're the person he vents his frustrations at. I guess your a safe space for him. Not nice for you though.

I remember the MN advice of acting like a "bored police officer". I try but I end up thinking wishful thoughts about tasers

If he NEVER does it when Your DH is home..... ask yourself why not? Can he control it and just chooses not to?

Sorry didn't mean to post twice! The app playing up. From your list the only things that would qualify potentially are the freelancing and selling homemade stuff.

A cunt? Why thank you, I am awesome, muscular, self cleaning and dynamic!

Not knowing his SN, but generally if told to 'piss off' (or the usually gentler 'just go away!!!' in our house), I would indeed piss off to my room and read a book, and when the next "Muuuuuuuuuuum!2 call came, be unable to help as I'd pissed off.

Fat stinking arses need nice long peaceful baths with the door closed, clearly.

It may not work for everyone, especially depending on the special needs, but it can work a treat. Or I get a lie down/bath/complement.

Yes, you wouldn't take it like that from an adult, but these aren't adults, they're kids, and they need us to be calm and in control when they feel out of control and are shouting.

I wonder if you've considered trusting your reaction to brush the bad language off quite calmly? It could be that your instinct is right; if he only does it to you and it tends to revolve around consequences etc. then I would also be tempted to see how a softer tactic works.

Perhaps remaining super calm with a simple "I love you but It hurts my feelings when you say that" would sow a seed of thought better than a punishment. I do think sometimes children need us to demonstrate that we love them unconditionally. And they can often do this by being horrible to us and seeing if they can still sense our love in our behaviour.

I don't have any experience with SN but from your post it seems like your gut is telling you to move on from your current tactic x

he can't control his temper when he gets in a rage, although funnily enough he never does it when DH is at home

So he can control his temper, but chooses not to for you, only for his dad?

Let him know it’s very wrong to talk to you that way, staying calm is great, but I do hope you punish him for his rude behaviour. No PS4 or internet for 30 minutes for each bout of unacceptable behaviour maybe.

I think the approach in the OP, and I love the idea of the 'bored police officer', will be much more effective than punishments.

Punishments don't work with toddlers, and they don't work with teens. Lack of frontal lobe function.

Having posted that, I've realised I'm envisioning a fairly young teenager like 15 or under. Older than that and I think I'd start looking into some kind of counselling rather than risk him carrying any negativity through to adulthood.

I should say I don't have teenagers though, I'm still closer to being a teenager than having one just yet (my dd is 2) so I can appreciate I know nothing about what it's like x

So he can control his temper, but chooses not to for you, only for his dad?

No. There is something about the dynamic when his Dad is there that keeps him quiet, could be fear, could just be feeling secure when everyone is together. Children with additional needs often back up their emotions until they can't any more and then out they come onto their "safe" person. It's the same as kids with SN who hold it together at school then dump on the parent when they get out the gate.

💐 it’s bloody difficult isn’t it.

I would TRY to go with ‘That’s unacceptable DS’ and walk away and engage with someone else.

Do you know why he controls it around DH but let’s loose with you? Is he scared of DH (not saying you DH warrants that, but it’s not uncommon) , or are you his safe person (so get all the negative stuff)? Is it because he’s actually upset/angry or is he doing it to get a rise? I know sometimes it’s that he’s pissed off about the PS4 or whatever, but is it always because of things like that, or sometimes random?

🍷

I suppose its because DH is not 'there' like I am as he works long hours, including weekends and worked away for weeks at a time when DS was younger. I am a SAHM. He is also physically imposing (can pick 6ft+ DS up when he needs to move but won't!) and doesn't need to shout as he sounds like a foghorn even in normal conversation!

If I punished DS for everything he did, there'd be very little joy in his life so tend to try to go easy on him but the swearing has become a massive trigger point for me.

Letting it go for the last few days is saving my blood pressure. Not particularly socially acceptable but in the end it's only words.

Was second guessing myself but SIL doesn't have to live with DS day in day out I guess!

Great post SuperChill.

I might have asked my ds (who isn't SN), what he thought might happen to him if I did what he said. On the odd occasion where he has told me to f off, I've pointed out that his life would be far harder if I did. It gave him pause for thought.

Laughing sends the message its funny so he might up the ante to make you laugh. It's also attention & a rewarding of it. I'd go with a calm, firm consequence. Half the Internet or TV time he gas for each time he starts.