DP and DM

[namechange876]

What is the relationship like between your DP/DH and your DM?

DP and I had our fair share of problems when we were younger but are in a place where we have 1 DS, a happy home and a lot of love for each other. Neither of us are perfect, sometimes I'm a bit selfish and sometimes he's a bit immature, but they don't extend past normal relationship problems and we have very good communication and an overall extremely happy relationship.

I just always get the feeling that DM doesn't like DP. She makes comments about how she didn't see me with someone like him. We've just had a conversation where she's invited me to hers at the weekend and I've said I'll ask DP and she's made a sarcastic comment about 'he'd love if you asked him permission, that's just what he's like'. It was supposed to be jokey but it annoyed me (for the record, I was asking because he's working late one night and not sure about the other and I want to check if he has the energy to look after our toddler after doing long days all week, I think it's just polite in a relationship, he'd never make things difficult!)

But I also get the feeling when DP is home and DM is round that he doesn't like her either. He's usually so bubbly and jokey at home but as soon as DM is here he's very serious and doesn't say much and isn't his usual jokey self. He also makes comments about how I never treat her as shit as she treats me sometimes when she's on a rant, and occasionally makes a subtle comment about her being selfish etc (never explicitly but it's implied!).

AIBU for this to really bother me? They both make a solid effort to get on with each other and speak highly of each other (3/4 of the time), but it's the feeling of being in the same room as both of them and the subtle and snide comments from both of them (DM is worse than DP for it!). Do I just need to get over myself?

Unfortunately you can't make them like each other if they don't.

It sounds as if your DP is making more of an effort at least not to antagonise your DM by keeping his head down, but you need to call your DM out on the snide comments.

Also sounds like your DP thinks she makes snide comments to you too.

''Do I just need to get over myself?''
No I dont think so, that sound uncomfortable and awkward for you.

Unless your DM has seen actual, concrete incidents that make her wary of your DP on your behalf, she should quit it with the attitude and the constant drip of comments.
Can you say something to her?

I feel for you op as I was in a similar situation.
When I eventually discussed the whole thing with DP he agreed that he found the relationship that I had with DM hard, mainly because I was “not my self” when she was around: she seemed very controlling and I didn’t handle it very well.
His main concern was that it was my relationship to deal with not his, although he would back me when needed. The best thing he said to me was “it’s you I love and want to spend my life with, not your mum, I don’t need to love her to love you, I just need to try to get on with her for your sake”

I've had this problem for years. My DP and my DM can't seem to get along for extended periods of time.

Tbh I reckon they're too much alike. Both quite opinionated, think deeply about stuff, end up being the life and soul of the party. But they have totally different world views.

I live with my DP, see my DM daily and let them both get on with it. They're both civil/nice to each other at family occasions but I find they get on best if not forced on each other too much.

(Also they both rely on me way too much for transport, partner has mobility issues, mum can't drive, both think they should take priority. I just schedule things ahead of time and refuse to deviate outside of emergency situations!)

Wait a few days and post this as your MIL acting like that about you, and you'll see what mumsnet really thinks. Cut the apron strings and defend your partner. Or let him find someone who will.