To think that being "sick" is sometimes a convenient way to cancel plans with friends?

[WaterBird]

This might sound awful, I'm just a bit frustrated, though I understand if I'm U here.
I completely understand that viruses are rampant especially for this time, but it's just something I've noticed has happened to me quite a bit. I'l make plans with friends, and everything will be fine until suddenly the morning of the plans, they've just woken up sick. The most recent time, a friend texted and said "I just checked my temperature." That's not something you plan, it's not like you think "What should I do tonight? I think I'll cook tea, read a bit, and perhaps... check my temperature?"
Again, I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable, and have also been feeling really lonely lately so that just adds to it.

Is the friend a bit of a hypochondriac? I agree....you either feel as if you have a temperature, or you don't. You don't really need to check it, unless its weirdly high...

It sucks that you're lonely. I've been on both sides of this though, and think if someone can't get off their sofa for whatever reason, they probably need to be there.

I have a friend like this. We all know she uses sickness as an excuse when she doesn't want to do something (she's been caught out on fb more than once). It really frustrates me, she's in her 40s, just grow up and say you don't want to go anymore/don't say yes to things you're not actually interested in doing.

I would confront temperature-checking friend. Say "since when did grown adults check their temperature?! Just say if you don't want to come!"

Or turn up with chicken soup....

Mummylife2018 please talk us through this confrontation in a bit more detail.

I am actually sick today and have had to cancel plans tonight. I have checked my temperature to make sure I wasn't making up feeling awful and because I had he thermometer to hand after checking my toddler who couldn't go to nursery yesterday due to a high temperature. I really wish I was going tonight but I feel dreadful and my throat is so sore. I agree that sometimes it's probably used as an excuse though but everytime my toddler gets sick I seem to get it too these days.

Thanks all for the understanding.
I'm not sure if this friend is a hypochondriac but she very well could be. I don't like to judge. I know she also occasionally has panic attacks and needs to rest.
These scenarios mostly occur with friends I haven't seen in a few months. The thing is, I have a few close friends I see or at least stay in touch with weekly, and because of this if they suddenly cancelled plans the day of, I feel I'd understand more.

If you've only just noticed it happening recently; we are in the middle of winter and flu season so loads of germs about.

Is this one person in particular or multiple people letting you down? Anyway. Sorry you feel lonely.

@DotDashDot
Hope you feel better soon.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
Multiple people. I've noticed it quite a bit but just been a little fed up. Thank you.

@bigredmachine Erm I explained in my post what I'd say?!

Confronting them does sound like a good idea, I'm just not a very confrontational person.

Bloody hell, confront her? Basically call your friend a liar? Why would you even have friends you think are liars and deliberately avoiding you. Why do some people always put the worst possible interpretation on the most innocuous statements. First: it's cold and flu season, one minute you feel ok the next you're a snotty, croakey, achey mess. Second: it's a text not a bloody essay, doesn't it go without saying why she checked her temperature?

If she'd said 'I feel hot and feverish so fetched the thermometer and checked my temperature only to find it is indeed elevated' there'd be people here accusing her of lying because she was giving too much detail.

OP, only you know your friend well enough to say if she has form for prevarication and pretending she's ill because she's changed her mind about going out and I'm sorry you're feeling a bit down and lonely but please don't go 'confronting' your friend and accusing her of lying unless you're ready to draw a line under your friendship. I'd take this as read and arrange to meet up on anther occasion.

If someone is genuinely ill, it can come on quickly, so I wouldn't be too sceptical. However, it might be interesting to know whether your friend is in the habit of cancelling on other people, or missing out things she really wants to do, or do she just cancel on you?

If your "hypochondriac" friend is prone to anxiety and panic attacks, it could be that she really, really can't face socialising with you (or anyone else) but she makes up the excuse of being ill because she thinks that either you won't understand or you'll think she's lying about the real reason. I've done this when cancelling plans with friends who, while they are lovely people who I enjoy spending time with, don't have much of an understanding of MH issues and would think I was bailing on them for no good reason.

As for the others, I'm sorry that you feel like people are letting you down all the time. Loneliness is horrible, and it can lead you to dwell on things that really don't merit it. It seems unlikely that all your close friends are making excuses not to see you. Perhaps they really are feeling too ill to socialise.

I get annoyed when friends come over to mine / or we meet up and they are unwell. Then I catch it or my kid catches it.
I'd rather they cancel if sick.

If it's the same friend frequently cancelling, stop making plans with them & wasting your time. Hopefully it's just been an unlucky patch and will now get better!

No, I think people are wise to cancel if they aren't well. I went to work unwell last week (non-contagious condition) and when I went in to work the following shift I realised I had made all sorts of mistakes that my colleague had needed to rectify because of it. If I had realised how unwell I was, and hadn't been worried about calling in sick, I would have stayed at home and got better instead.

I don't think you can confront someone about whether they're really sick or not. I'm sure everyone here has been unwell and cancelled on a friend at some stage. If you think this friend is flaky then stop making plans with her.

Hmmm, it depends I think. I have a couple of flakey friends but they don’t use being sick it’s more ‘Oh something has come up’. Equally if someone had MH issues like anxiety and they are having a bad time, then it is a form of sickness, just not such a socially acceptable one!

There does seem to be a nasty virus doing the rounds at the moment, think at least half of DD’s class have been off ill with it - cough. spiking a fever, lethargy...so it could be that?

From the other side of the coin, I have CFS, which results in frequent bouts of intense headaches, feeling faint dizzy and extremely tired. If I push through it I just get into a cycle of feeling worse and taking longer to recover. I look 'fine'. I frequently have to cancel things. I feel awful letting people down. The alternative is I just don't make plans. I've tried explaining to people but it's very hard as there is a lot of misconceptions about CFS to the point some people don't believe it exists. Some very good friends have just told me to take painkillers and get on with it. It would be easier to make something up and say I had something they could understand like d & v or a temperature. When people get upset at me for cancelling it makes me feel even worse as it puts so much pressure on me to attend things even when I know it's going to make me feel awful, it can be quite stressful. When I'm well I can carry on like normal and appear to have a normal social life for a while so I think people just think I can't be that ill. It cab be so up and down

Depends if it's the same friend who always cancels (and if there is an underlying health issue that causes this whether physical or mental). If it's the same friend, I'd start giving her a miss and concentrate on those who don't let you down.

I had (and to an extent still have) a friend who cancelled on me three times in a row over a 6/8 month period (I'd had to arrange and then cancel babysitters each time) - I'd thought of her as my best friend. The last time she tried to arrange for 3/4 other people to come out with me instead and pretended to them that it was a group night out, so I got several calls messages from people saying sorry they couldn't come (was very confused as I thought I was going out with my best friend for a chat, not just going out with anyone who happened to be free).
She never seemed to let other (less forgiving) friends down.
Finally I challenged her - apparently we were so close I was like a sister to her and so it was ok to let me down as I was so close to her, like family. It sounded kind of nice when she said it to my face, but more I thought about it, the more it hurt. And then my mum said, that's not how you treat family!
I've never arranged to go out with her alone since, although I do invite her along when I'm going with other people - interestingly/hurtfully, she is more likely to come out if someone other than me invites her. If she says to me that we need to go out or something, I always say 'Yes please, I'd love to, let me know when you are free'; she never arranges anything with me.
It's now 6+ years since I decided to stop allowing myself to be let down. Our friendship has inevitably suffered, which I am truly sad about, but I am on my own a lot with my kids and I need people I can depend on.

Funnily enough, recently I was out with a friend who knows her sister, and the comment was made that her sister says she never comes out with her/cancels on her all the time too (and I didn't raise the issue at all). So perhaps she did feel I was like a sister - it's sad that her way of treating family was what killed the closest friendship Id had since I left school.

Panic attacks - could be seen as offensive if it's worded accurately 'I feel sick and dizzy at the mere thought of engaging with you tonight, never mind getting dressed, leaving the house and not being able to run away'.

But 'I've got a temperature' is inoffensive because they're ill.

Confrontation is quite likely what she's scared of if she's backed out a few times.

Of she gets panic attacks and possibly anxious I would leave her be, with a text of ‘no problem if you need anything you know where I am’. But then thats how I treat friends, others may be different🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people don't feel comfortable being direct. So rather than saying they can't be arsed, or are tired, don't fancy it now, they will say they're sick, child is sick, or elderly parent emergency. In a way it's good to have friends that do it, as then you can do it back to them when you can't be arsed.

Thank you all for the replies. I haven't confronted her, or any of them. I have always texted back "No problem" and even when I feel let down inside I try not to let it show.
I find it interesting that lots of people I know prefer being alone/isolating when feeling anxious. When my MH is acting up I actually prefer the company of others, and like it when people try to convince me to go somewhere with them.