To think cliques, usually means a group of friends

[marymarkle]

I am friendly to everyone is not horrible to me. And if you are at a group such as a parent and toddler group, of course you say hello to everyone and try and include them a bit.
But sometimes I just want to talk to actual friends, and that is fine too. So if I meet friends at the school gate, of course I will talk to them. Or if I invite people to my house for a coffee, I will invite friends. Sometimes I chat to someone I click with and will invite them to something too.
But chatting to friends is not a clique. And I do think it is misogyny. I have never heard a group of men talking in a pub, or at a school sports match, being described as a clique. They are a group of friends.

a clique can be male or female. It indicates a close group who repel newcomers and are unfriendly to anyone not in their group. Sometimes anew person thinks it is a clique but then finds out they are perfectly friendly to a new face. Its about be warm or cold to someone new

I agree, to an extent, although I think it is very circumstance dependent. And often the difference is whether you are being intentionally exclusionary, and how much difference it would make to the dynamic if you were to invite someone you know might like to come, that you don't know that well.

I'm not sure it's necessarily misogyny though. My experience is that there are often (not always) very different dynamics between female group friendships and male group friendships. Men have a "more the merrier" attitude more often than women do - possibly because they are less inclined to discuss personal matters or their feelings? So I find women are more cliquey because it changes the dynamic of the get-together more if there's a relative stranger there, than it would in a male group.

A clique is more than just a friendship group, it's a group of people who exclude others. If you and your friends are talking at the school gate, and someone comes up and says hello, and you ignore them, that's cliquish behavior.

I agree. People use 'clique' so often on here when what they describe is actually a group of friends.

I agree, I think people use the clique excuse to mask their own shyness about saying Hello to people "oh well, they are part of a clique, I'm not the reason I'm being left out..." If you are dismissing an entire room full of people (toddler groups) or everyone in the playground on this basis, then it's you - not them.

Having already made the effort to get to know people, doesn't make someone cliquey to new people. If it is just the absence of welcoming behaviour instead of active rejection, then clique-y is misused. I think it is also important to note that sometimes someone will want to talk to their friends, if they are having a hard time, and it's okay to not be scouting the playground for new faces who might feel left out.

There are rare exceptions, but even then it is usually only one person in the group of friends who wants to keep it as it is.

If you are with a group at a school and chatting, then you invite all but one of the people for a coffee and the one person is clear they’ve excluded, then that’s behaving like a clique.

Friends is not the same as a clique that's true.

You can tell a clique because they will be deliberately ignoring others, turn away from them, never do anything inclusive, be obviously discussing others where they can be seen.

You know the difference when you come across them. Possibly harder to tell on an internet chat!

Yes and no. Perceptions can be different depending on whether you're inside or outside the group: you might think you're being friendly to everyone, whereas those outside the group may see it differently. I think in 'public' situations, particularly things like baby groups, having little group huddles does come across as unfriendly and exclusionary. If you want to have a private chat with your friends, maybe invite them round to your house or go for coffee.

Has someone accused you of being cliquey?

It's not sexist to note that male and females run their friendship groups in very different ways.

Clique implies that the group actively excludes people who are not in it, and will not be above expelling people from the group and then actively excluding them. It has a thoroughly negative implication.

I have only heard this word in a nightclub for promotion and I haven't a clue what it meant haha, I would always say friends are a group of people no matter the sex of them

I agree with you but good luck getting anyone else to! This is a big mumsnet bingo thing of wendies and evil cliques at the school gate.

The truth is that it's perfectly acceptable to limit things to your friends and someone standing in the vicinity of you at a school gate doesn't obligate you to anything.

But people within a clique aren’t even friends necessarily. It is merely a small and exclusive group of either or both sexes.

A clique is a group who deliberately exclude, it's not the same as a friendship group. And mysogynistic behaviour is dislike or hatred of women which is clearly not relevant here, as a clique can be Male or female or both

I think you're confused on your definitions. Has something caused your angst?

A clique is a group who like to exclude other people. I have friends I'm closer to but I wouldn't leave someone standing alone at the school gate if they wanted a chat I'd make them feel welcome. If someone new joins the school/a club I belong to/work I'll make an effort to get to know them and be friendly. Not just stand around with my friends.

Id say a clique is a group of people/friends who don't encourage or want others to join. Giving off an aura of "stay away".

No one has ever accused a group of women in a pub of being a clique either. They might accuse a group of women or men at sports day of being a clique if they're not friendly to outsiders though.

Disagree with the men in a pub example. A clique can be male or female or indeed a mix of. both. I have heard plenty of people describe how they have been to a pub and the people inside have stopped talking, stared at them then resumed talking ignoring them all night.

Some people's melodramatic account of cliques and queen bees in the playground on Mn makes the school run seem like Wuthering Heights.

I don't feel particularly welcomed by other parents' in my son's class I accidentally discovered, while sitting next to another parent at a nativity play that there was a WhatsApp group that had all the other mothers apart from me as members this was a year and a half after it had been created -- but I don't view the school run as making anyone else obliged to include me socially. I arrange play dates for DS with the other children he likes, and foster his friendships but I'm an adult and am not going to collapse in tears because some other adults aren't being inclusive.

A clique is a group who like to exclude other people. I have friends I'm closer to but I wouldn't leave someone standing alone at the school gate if they wanted a chat I'd make them feel welcome. If someone new joins the school/a club I belong to/work I'll make an effort to get to know them and be friendly. Not just stand around with my friends.

I think this is the question though. Can you be "neutral", not friendly or unfriendly? Can you be polite but not include people?

I think there is a difference between not being actively welcomed and being deliberately excluded.

When my DC were little I went to a toddler group where approximately 80% of the attendees had met at NCT. They sat round in a tight circle and basically refused to talk to anyone else (to the point where if you went up to one of them and made usual toddler group small talk of asking how old their child was or saying they were wearing a nice dress, they would literally walk away).

On the other hand when my DC started school group of parents tended to stand with other people they knew. But if you went up and said hello, they would always include you in their conversation.

The first example is a clique, the second is a group of friends. One is impenetrable; the other is not.

for example:

It's a school gate and you are waiting for your kids. You are tired and don't really want to talk to anyone. You see a woman looking around. She's alone and looks like she wants to talk.

you:

a. smile and wave her over despite not really wanting to because you "have to be nice"

b. smile politely but look away indicating you don't really want to talk

c. don't look in her direction because you don't want accidentally engage her

d. give her daggers and look her up and down rudely.

I feel like except for D, I'd do any of the others without feeling cliquey or rude.

I still don’t get the difference between a clique and a friendship group. Agree with op.

Cliques are divisive. They’re quite common in work environments, schools for example, sometimes teachers won’t speak to support staff. Most people will have encountered an office clique. They only bother you if you allow them to.

Clique implies that the group actively excludes people who are not in it

I’d say so too. Though in playgroup/school situations I think it’s to the overall good if people can show a bit of empathy with newcomers.