To talk about death?

[Cwtches123]

I watched Horizon on BBC 2 last night, the subject was death and palliative care. DD 13 watched it with me and we talked about some of the issues raised.
Death and dying seems to be a big taboo, but I firmly believe it is really important to have open discussions with close family about your views on organ donation, resuscitation etc.
I know my parents wishes and have lasting power of attorney for both of them. DH and I have discussed our views and are each setting up our own lasting power of attorney.
When I was dds age my grandmother had terminal cancer and nobody spoke to me about it, I suppose they were trying to protect me but I wasn't stupid and knew things were bad, being kept out of it made it worse for me. One day I broke down to my mum and insisted they tell me exactly what was going on, she opened up and it really helped.
Why do we have such a big issue as a society in talking about death?

I agree it shouldn't be such a taboo. My DM easily talks about death and from a young teenager she told me where to find important paperwork etc.

I'm executor of her will, and I know what she wants done with her estate.

DH & I have chatted about what would happen if either of us died - financial wise etc. We also know what kind of funeral each would like. We joke about what songs we want played!

It's GOING to happen. It's a fact of life that we all die. It's not optional.

Talking about it is healthy and helpful.

Also - really important - organ donation and life support. If you have particular wishes, tell your loved ones.

My close family members know I'd be happy to donate everything & I'd rather my life support was switched off.

IF those situations ever arose, they'd find making those heart wrenching decisions MUCH easier.

I’m not from the UK, and I do find that death is far more of a taboo here (England) than where I’m from or anywhere else I’ve lived long term. I try to be factual and frank with my six year old, who has four very elderly grandparents.

Totally agree with you, my parents are late 80s and we are very pragmatic in our discussions and preparations, I know they haven’t got a lot of time left. All legal measures are in place and I know where the Will & all relevant documents are. We had to sort out the affairs of a relative on DH’s side recently and, apart from the sadness involved, it was extremely difficult having to look through someone’s possesions for all the documents you need when someone dies. Much better to try and get prepared when you can discuss things.

One small point, I have sorted out photos now for the inevitable ‘service sheet’ at the funeral, so that my mum gets to choose what pictures we use and it will just be too sad to do that once they have died.

I agree. Totally.
First funeral i attended was age 4/5. Open coffin. (Indian funeral, culteral)
No it didnt scare me or scar me. It helped me say goodbye.
Couple years ago my MIL passed and her grandson (aged 22) was being treated like a baby and everyone was worried and almost telling him not to come. He couldnt 'handle' it at his age. I get that eaxh to their own with grief etc but their babying if him meant he was robbed of his own choice at the funeral.
Its a tough one to broach with children but its important to talk to them about it. Im glad my parents didnt wrap me in wool and spent weeks after telling me its okay that she wont be coming back and how sometimes it just happens even if youre not unwell (GM passed of heart attack, but was increasingly unwell before), as they didnt want me to associate all illness with death. They highlighted that sudden death teaches us that we should always be kind and happy and make the most of each other.
Looking back im so grateful at how they approached this.

Agree it is a taboo.
Death is part of life.

DH lost a parent as a relatively young child and struggles enormously with speaking openly about death and dying. As a result our DC have learned that I'm the one to speak to and ask questions of.

As difficult and emotive a topic as it is, it's also something that all of us should acknowledge and honour in the sense that we owe it to those we love to know what they want doing, and how they want us to celebrate their lives. DH hasn't ever openly told me what he wants doing when he dies; I simply have to guess. And that's hard for him and for our DC.

When we made our wills together he almost had a little breakdown and spent a few days afterwards in a state of shock at the reality that at some point our belongings, our home and our lives would have to be split or sold, that our DC would lose us.

We spend a lot of time talking about death with my four year old. Partially because people keep dying but mostly because he’s a morbid little bugger. It’s like living with a member of the Adams family. A jolly through the graveyard anyone?

Totally agree.
I have included my early 20s dcs in discussions about my death, will and powers of attorney in place, direct cremation sorted.
They and dh know I plan to end my own life if I wish to.
I will not be "passed" or "lost"..I will die.

Parthenope I agree, I'm from the UK but I don't live there. My 13 year old recently said something similar, she said death is more open and accepted here than it is in England and asked me why I think that is. I don't really know the answer but there's more risk here and closer relationships with the elderly family members. Maybe that's part of it

I think you need to open about death. It's not scary, it's just a natural part of life. I talk about it with my DC when they ask, or when someone dies.

I am an organ donor and they are on the register as well. I've explained to them what it is and why it's helpful and that people don't need their organs when they're dead / it doesn't hurt removing them. I have also said that once they are 18 then they can make their own minds up about whether to stay on the register or not.