To wonder why I don't have a maternal urge

[hannahbanannafo]

I think I have finally accepted that I don't want children. I have never admitted this to myself as I feel like it's unnatural, I kept thinking maybe some day, not yet, who knows.

But I feel zero need, no envy no want. I am now 37 and my husband has no interest in having a child either.

I don't envy my friends with children, but I do feel marginalised and pitied.

AIBU to wonder why I don't want them?

You are totally normal OP, and YANBU. And I think you are doing well to recognise that you really don't want children. And luckily your OH feels the same.

Why do you feel marginalised? Is it because all your friends have kids? Then they are simply at a different point in their lives.

I'd suggest you make a point of meeting new childless friends of a similar age. A friend of mine is actually part of an organised group, they meet up monthly.

Look up Gateway OP. It's a support group for childfree women for whatever reason. It's been a lifeline for me and have made some friends for life through it.

I think it’s natural curiosity to wonder “why” you don’t want children, when as women we’ve basically been brainwashed into thinking that we should all be mothers. I think it’s great that you’ve made a decision based on what you actually want. I know too many people who although they won’t dorectky admit it, they wish they had have waited before starting families.

I think take an empowered stance next time someone asks you to help them realise that you don’t need pity for making a decision about your life. You feel good about it, so don’t let people make you feel marginalised.

I’m often asked when will I get married and have children. I’m mid twenties and also run my own business so not something I’m entertaining. I don’t feel the need to explain myself, but i do remind people that it’s not something that has to happen and that it doesn’t always just slot into people’s lives.

I never wanted children. I wanted dogs. Lots of dogs. DH and I got a dog then he wanted DC. I thought fuck it. Turns out babies and toddlers are quite like puppies. Now I love both

It’s unusual. That’s why you probably can’t make sense if it. You are in a minority. If you’re truly happy with your choice then it’s not an issue, if you’re not it may be that you’re misinterpreting other people’s reactions because you’re not quite at peace with your decision. It’s ok either way. Other people have nothing to do with personal life choices and don’t have a say.

There is nothing "unnatural" about not wanting children. I say that as a woman who has children and always wanted them. Stop comparing yourself to ANYONE. Your life choices are right for you and you don't owe anyone an explanation. Move on and be happy.

Absolutely nothing wrong with you. Somw people want them, some don't. Neither are wrong. Your life is exactly that, your life, and if anyone around you pities you, questions you or tries to convince you otherwise then you don't need them.

I have never felt ready to have a child. I am soon to be 50 and still don’t really. I love my nephews. I helped bring up stepchildren with my ex husband, and I worry that I’m going to feel I’m missing out in old age with never being able to be s gran too.

But .. I had 3 miscarriages, couldn’t cope with ivf, and ex husband was also a violent alcoholic so that took away the best years of my life (30-40) when ideally I should have started a family,

I just have to accept that being a mum is not going to be a possibility now. But I don’t feel like there is something missing in my life.

You are in a minority, but a large one. In any country where women have easy access to contraception and can earn their own living, the number of women who choose to never have kids rises.

I am older and still remember as a kid some women who were mothers, but did not seem to want to be. Nothing sadder for both mother and child. Children should be a positive choice. But I think there has always been some women that did not want children, but they did not really have the choice in the past unless they became nuns or remained virgins.

I find some people seem threatened by anyone who makes significantly different choices than them, about how to live their life. They see it somehow as you saying their choices are wrong. Totally their own issue though.

And maybe just accept that this is what you want. There does not need to be any great reason for it. So some people love living alone, I know I don't like it, and I did live alone for a few years. Just as some people love highly stressful jobs, which I hate. We are all different and all want different things.

I'm not maternal never wanted a dc

I unexpectedly ended up having Dd

I have no understanding of being 'broody' etc whatsoever.

I guess I've surprised myself in some ways.

I have many child free friends in their 40's half of them my choice.

To me you're completely normal

'By choice'

Not my

The predictions are that amongst young women now, a quarter will not have children. Some not by choice, but most will choose that.

I think we are very much programmed to believe that having kids is just what you do, and deviating from that road can be seen as exceptional or different.
It’s not true of course, but there a lot of people who believe it’s the only road in life.
As long as you’re happy and comfortable in your choice that’s all that matters. Child free people live just as full and valid lives as parents.

Everyone's life is valid.

Given advances in fertility treatment ie that there are fewer women who want children not able to have them, and given that the number of women who don't have children is steadily rising, I would agree with PPs that although you are not in a majority there are statistically significant numbers of women who feel as you do.

YANBU to ponder why you think that, given that many of the societal messages you've been given about being female centre around the desirability of reproducing, so I can see why you'd be curious as to why you've not taken them on board. But ya absolutely nbu in your decision.

I’ve never had a maternal urge either OP, some women have very strong maternal urges, some probably don’t have particularly strong urges but still have children anyway, possibly because their partner wants a family or they feel it’s the done thing, and some like us just know they never want any ever. I have often wondered why I never wanted any though, I find it quite fascinating because as women/ humans we are supposed to want to reproduce so why don’t I? Maybe we have a missing gene or something!

I would've said that wanting babies was the most natural desire , given that it is also a biological imperative... but now I'm not so sure.

This analogy might be insulting to someone somewhere, and am prepared to be told so, but 50 years ago there were plenty of people who were gay but refused to accept it/squished the feelings, or didn't realise what they were dealing with, because everyone around them said that it was unnatural, awful, "against nature". Now that it is easier for people to be accepted for who they are, it is part of everyday life, and I think this is the same.

The less we are constrained by social conditioning, the easier it becomes to be true to yourself, the more your will find women making your decision. Yes there will still be those who are incredulous about your decision, but it is possible that 50 years ago you would not even have listened to your own desires.

I know that even 15 years ago it didn't occur to me not to have children. I think if I'd listened to myself, things would be different. I love my children, would die for them, but I'm still not sure I would've done it if I'd known anyone else who was childless by choice.

Good luck, and keep your head held high.

I would agree with the other posters here. Your better off not having children if you don't want to and your husband feels the same. Having kids is a life changing decision. I know people who have had children and they found the dream of having kids and the reality far different. I know you might hear the odd comment about being child free. The reality is it is none of other people's business why you don't have/want children. Some women want kids and some don't. We are lucky now that we can decide to have kids or not rather than having a child/children and resent the time,.money and effort required to bring them up. My advice is to enjoy your child free life.

I have a 15 year old DS, but I haven't got a maternal bone in my body, I have never been one of those women that turns to jelly at the sight of a baby & have often questioned myself as to why I ever had a child. I don't mean that I don't love DS but it wouldn't have broken my heart if I had never had a child. I could never get emotional over the sight of tiny baby clothes or Prams, they just don't do anything for me & frankly I don't really like children other than my own.

I too feel the same, I'm 37 now and have never felt any maternal urge at all, I love my nephews but I don't 'get it' with the whole having offspring thing and that's fine, I understand the majority have very strong feelings the other way.

Like you I also question what is 'wrong' with me, I feel like I should be having them like everyone else, and carry a bit of anxiety about letting my parents down and the fact I'm likely to end up alone eventually. Still not worth having them though, on that basis alone.

I don't justify myself to anyone though, although for some reason I do get really irritated when people assume children and are visibly shocked when I say there are none, like I'm 'of an age, female' and therefore must have had them.

My sister is 36 and whilst she adores my kids and is amazing with them she doesn't feel any strong urge to have her own baby. She is very happy with her partner and their dog and the life they have. When my kids are being little demons I sometimes think she is making the right call. She has more money, time, independence, can do things on a whim and has never woken up to the noise of one child vomiting on their sibling.

The world is massively overpopulated. I am glad that people (women especially) are now following their hearts and not just having kids because it is expected of them. I admire people like you OP.

I think it's probably an unpopular opinion but I agree with you @WereYouHareWhenIWasFox
On top of everything else, I don't think the planet needs my offspring, I do think it's overpopulated enough.

Thank you for all your positive responses. I'm feeling a little vulnerable now I have realised I only said oh we don't know, maybe but not right now, when asked.

All your responses are