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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked my friend to do this?

59 replies

annikin · 23/01/2019 23:46

I was already feeling bad about this, but now having read another thread I feel worse, but I still don't have another solution, so I'm wondering whether this comes under 'really cheeky' or 'a helping hand from a friend'.

Basically I should be able to collect my dd (11) from school before school closes (5pm), if all goes well. Unfortunately on the journey I do, about once a month/6 weeks there is a crash or something so I am delayed. My dd has SN so can't walk home by herself (as well as too far and too dark), so I at that point turn to friends to see if one can collect her and keep her for me for 30 mins/1 hour until I get there. Is this incredibly cheeky? (I try to ask a different one each time, so no-one gets too fed up with it if that helps...).

I have no help from family, we never go out as we don't have babysitters. I've never asked anyone for help before and am rubbish at doing so, and I feel awful about it. They do say they don't mind, but are they just being polite? Would everyone actually mind this and be getting annoyed, or are there some people out there who genuinely don't mind helping out occasionally?

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 24/01/2019 01:20

What you are describing is not the same at all as the circumstances we often see on threads here, there's no comparison at all.

I'm surprised you've asked to be honest, and surprised people are saying oh yes ask them to keep your child for an hour and you then provide reciprocal arrangements, playdates and chocolates?! For an hour once a month?! Obviously if they were stuck in traffic and you could help then I'm sure you would, so it sounds like a non-issue.

thegreatbeyond · 24/01/2019 01:21

This wouldn't bother me.

Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2019 01:31

I have some great friends and I am happy to collect their kids and happy when they can help me out.

It's normal and kind.

Have you got friends at the school who come back for a cuppa etc.

Cultivating these friendships is good. Thanks

Purpleartichoke · 24/01/2019 01:32

The rare stuck in moment traffic is the perfect time to call a friend or even an acquaintance. It’s expecting someone to be your plan a that makes someone a CF

JustOneShadeOfGrey · 24/01/2019 01:36

I get you OP, I think it’s perfectly acceptable - and you don’t like to take advantage. But friends have each other’s backs and perhaps your friends don’t ask because they know you have additional pressure with a SN child. I have two SN children who have challenging behaviours and I don’t get family support. Friends are different - they don’t have to be your friend, they chose to be.

I wouldn’t take gifts in return, I would shout my friend a coffee next time I’m out with her (“this one’s on me for helping in my hour of need”). That’s the way we do things in my little circle.

ittakes2 · 24/01/2019 03:31

Honestly, it depends on the scenario - your friendship and relationship. I am a SAHM so I often help others out more as I have more flexibility with my time. I have single mums I don't know well who I would offer to help with lifts etc and never want, expect or ask for things in return - I do it because I know they have more time pressures and it makes me feel good helping them. I also have people who I help and they also help me. I do have some working mums in my outer friendship group - i.e. I liked them although saw them more in group situations - who used to ask me for last minute favours which I obliged as I felt it was the right thing to do. But then after a few years it became very much them just asking me for last minute favours - they never ever offered to help me with lifts even if they were passing my house or have my children over etc. It was always a pain to help them last minute as it would throw out our routine - and while I initially didn't mind doing it occasionally - after a while I started to feel used. It depends very much on how close you are to these people - my best friend could ask me to help her every week and I wouldn't mind. A not so close friend maybe not so much. If I was you, I would make sure I did something for the children of these people - like have them over for tea or over on a Saturday afternoon for few hours. I always think a good way to repay favours if both your children are going to the same party to offer to do the pick up and drop offs - your are going anyway but it would save that parent the trip and they would appreciate it. Don't leave it to them to ask you to help them in return - you seem busy and they are unlikely to do this.

KC225 · 24/01/2019 06:11

I was one of the few people on the other thread who said - she is a single parent, struggling financially and has asked three times (admittedly in a short space of time) is it too much to help.

I also helped out with the odd unexpected delay and friends did with me. It was invaluable. If you can't reciprocate after school, then perhaps a weekend, holiday play date or outing also goes down well.

EarthboundMisfit · 24/01/2019 06:14

No. I was one of the ones in the other thread who said the woman was being rude, this wouldn't bother me though.

Boysandbuses · 24/01/2019 06:16

I would be more than happy doing this. It's not a huge deal. I wouldn't even mind if it was a bit more often.

CF behaviour is when people take the piss and do it all the time and expect it, for me personally.

As long as you are ok when the absolutely can't, it's not an issue.

Di11y · 24/01/2019 06:26

totally totally normal request. that's what friends are for. once in a blue moon for an unexpected emergency. totally fine.

user1493413286 · 24/01/2019 06:32

I would think that’s fine considering it’s not often and due to events out of your control.
Maybe rather than just offer to return the favour say to them “I really appreciate you looking after DD a couple of times lately, why don’t your kids come over on specific date and time”. People often won’t ask especially if they don’t have a specific reason but they’ll appreciate being given a break

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/01/2019 06:34

Fine imo. I got friends to look after dd mostly for medical reasons. We all help out. All the time = cf. Odd times = fab friendship.

Ladyoftheloch · 24/01/2019 06:35

I wouldn’t mind if you asked me this. Offer to return the favour now and then if you’re worried but an hour every 4-6 weeks isn’t that huge an ask.

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 24/01/2019 06:39

I would happily help you I those circumstances whether I needed you to return the favour or not. It doesn't sound in any was cheeky or ill thought out. It's friends supporting each other.

As at least one PP had said, offer to return the favour, or arrange to go out with your friend and buy her a drink and a thank you.

hannah1992 · 24/01/2019 06:44

You shouldn't feel bad at all. I had a wisdom tooth infection and was in agony. Rang dentist in morning and they only had an app for 2:45 that afternoon which would have meant that i couldn't pick my eldest up from school, so my friend did and had her till I got back.

My friends washer broke and her new one couldn't be delivered for 2 days so I washed and dried the kids uniforms for her. She bought me a bottle of wine to say thanks.

Friends don't mind helping when you need them to.

GrandmaSharksDentures · 24/01/2019 07:10

Would your friend(s) be going to the school to pick their child up anyway or would their child already be at home / make their own way home home meaning that your friend would make a special trip to collect your child?

Holidayshopping · 24/01/2019 07:15

Would the people who you were asking have got their child home at 3.30 normal time and would have to come out again at 5 in rush hour traffic when they’re cooking dinner to get yours?

I wouldn’t say no to a close friend but it would be pretty inconvenient if that was the case. Totally different to collecting your child with mine at 3.30.

Do you work full time?

TheBigBangRocks · 24/01/2019 07:29

Friends do favours for each other all the time, as long as they are reciprocated or a gift given then it's usually all ok.

It's only on MN I've seen people hate being asked a favour of a friend. I can understand if they are taking advantage often but the odd occasion it seems harsh and mean not to help someone out.

Workfear · 24/01/2019 07:42

I wouldn't mind that at all. You can't help someone else having a crash. If you did it every day then sure you're being cheeky but not a few times a year. Maybe just give wine anyway to make yourself feel better.

Quartz2208 · 24/01/2019 07:46

DD bf mum probably asks around once every 3 weeks for us to take her home and then collect when she can - she has switched work days/car trouble/the after school activity is not on and honestly it does not bother me at all they just disappear upstairs. A couple of times DS friend has asked me to collect them from school and take them to Beavers as they have to work. Its no trouble - I just get them some food and leave them to it.

I think there is a difference between people genuinely needing to ask for help and therefore being quite happy to reprociate and those threads you see where it either (a) goes on to long (b) becomes far to regular and (c) is simply because they cant be bothered

Jeezoh · 24/01/2019 07:49

If you’re asking your friends to go and collect her when they’re not already at the school then I think I’d make an effort to show my appreciation - take them out for a cake and coffee, offer to babysit one evening so they can go jut with their partners etc. It sounds like your friends are happy to help but it also sounds you’re asking a bit more than the usual “can you grab my child when you’re at school already” so my token of appreciation would reflect that.

EmUntitled · 24/01/2019 09:00

It sounds fine to me, I wouldn't be cross. Especially as you say there are 3 or 4 people you could ask so each one would only have to do it once every 6 months or something - that is not a big ask.

I think the main reason why people are branded "CF"s on mumsnet is the sense of entitlement or pushing their luck. You aren't doing that.

Becles · 24/01/2019 09:10

@annikin Seems fine to me but off tangent something you said irked me "we never go out as we don't have babysitters."

Should that read: "we never go out as we don't want to pay for babysitters."?

There is are lots of reputable babysitting agencies about and local families can point you to reliable babysitters or you can set up a babysitting circleif you really want a night out. You have chosen not to go out because you don't want to pay or make an effort to find a sitter.

Thistles24 · 24/01/2019 09:10

That just sounds like being friends to me, not being cheeky. I’d hand over wine, flowers or chocolates when I picked up to say thanks, and let them know you’re willing to repay the favour where possible.

HauntedPencil · 24/01/2019 09:11

It's fine but I'd make sure I offered something back eg having their DC over for a few hours here and there.

I help people out and it's only annoying if they never offer anything back ever!