to think my father and mother are to blame for my sister's (and mine?) eating disorder?

[brexitisbullshit]

I have a very poor relationship with my family (aside from my siblings) mainly due to my upbringing where there was a lot of exposure to violence, alcoholism and drug use. Me and my siblings thrived despite a poor start and now I am very happily settled in my career and doing really well!

I however am constantly aware (i don't know if that's the right word) of my weight, food, calories, have to walk 10,000 steps a day etc. It's literally all I think about, and all I've thought about for as long as I remember. I have always measured my waist, legs, hips and bust out of habit. I like to be in the "underweight" category on the BMI scale. I LIKE people telling me I am skinny... but, then another side of me doesn't believe that I am - there's always an area of fat I can find where I think I could work that off or I should stop eating so and so for a while. It fills me with shame that I still live by the mantra "if i went into double figure clothing i'd be fat" (I KNOW this isn't true btw!).

But I don't feel like i have a full blown eating disorder. I do eat. I don't exercise religiously. It's just always on my mind. My sister on the other hand is anorexic.

My father is a narcissist. One of my earliest memories is of him telling me not to "show off" at my school nativity and that i was "too big for my boots". He would constantly tell my mother to go on a diet, tell her she was happier when she was slimmer and call her fat cow, lazy fat bitch etc.

I have always been a size 6 and very petite. When I got older (around 16ish) I started making my own healthy meals - big bowls of veg with some protein or curries. He would always say "are you eating all that?" or "she's got a big appetite!" or "you're not still hungry are you, you've just eaten?". When I had my first DC my partner got sick of me asking if I had lost my baby weight - it took me about 4 months to get back to a Size 6. When I finally did my father said to me "you used to be slim but now most people would say you were not" and "you're a veggie I thought that meant you'd be slim" - unprovoked. He now does it to kids in the family "you're not still hungry are you?" or "oh you've eaten all of that, didn't you think anyone else would like it?"

Even now when I am around him I can't bring myself to eat around him. It fills me with anxiety.

AIBU to attribute all my eating problems to this dickhead and tell him exactly what he's done to me and my sister?! I hate the thought he'd cause it to someone else

I wouldn’t waste your time / breathe on him !!
I think you’d be better off investing time and effort into therapy for what he’s put you through

I imagine your father is one of many triggers in this situation. If it helps to give him total blame then go for it, but sitting down and talking about how his comments have effected you might be just as useful. I would talk to your GP for a referral because sounds like you could use some counselling, I used to eating disorder service and it was a massive help despite not having what is classed as a typical eating disorder.

If he's a narcissist then telling him wont achieve anything, will it?

Maybe you'd feel better if you didnt go anywhere near him?

Making other people entirely responsible for your issues is not a sign of a healthy personality. Parents can really fuck you up but now, as an adult, you have agency in your own life.

I think you’re right, your parents are to blame for the way you are around food. It’s good you’ve recognised this so you don’t do it to your own children, if they see you skipping meals, being obsessed about your measurements and weight they’ll think it’s normal.
Get yourself some counselling and learn to be positive around food with your children to protect their future self esteem and confidence.