Will I always be subject to abuse?

[Mindstormshit]

I kicked my husband out over 2 years ago, after the birth of our dd. He changed the second we discovered I was pregnant and became physically and emotionally abusive. He was just awful. I can’t believe someone can be so so deceitful. There were some red flags now I look back, but nothing that really stood out to me.

I was subjected to a year of vile abuse after I kicked him out (my house btw, although still married) so in many ways it was easier to try to reconcile with him, to ensure my beautiful dd is kept safe. I pander to his needs and I’m becoming very aware of his triggers. In other words I’m a complete doormat. But I know my dd is safe, as he couldn’t care less about her, so never has her alone. We don’t live together btw.

I kind of feel like it’s a case of ‘keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer’

I am so so scared of him. I want a life back, but me and dd, but he’ll stalk, follow and abuse me at every occasion. He’ll also bad mouth me all over social media and it adds enormously to my anxieties.

I want to divorce him but emotionally don’t feel like I can cope with how he’ll treat me. He is so beyond cruel.

But recently I’ve started noticing him being tormentative with my dd and it breaks my heart. He winds her up constantly and doesn’t care if she gets upset. He also bad mouths me to her frequently.

I just don’t know how to get myself out of this situation. He’s just horrific and I can’t cope anymore

Call women's aid. You can't do this on your own without help. You know you need to get away from him. But don't be unrealistic about trying to do it alone.

Re read your 6th paragraph down. She is not safe.

Not been in the same position so not helpful advice-hopefully someone with similar experience will be along soon.

You deserve more than this though & so does your daughter. Good luck op

Sounds like he has already started emotionally abusing her, you have to protect her.

There is so much help and support out there and the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

Women's Aid are great, they do the Freedom Programme online as well as in groups which might help you feel stronger.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ for legal advice.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1Why&tag=mumsnetforum-21 does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is always recommended on here. I didn't read it until after I left my XH but it's brilliant.

It is hard, but it will be harder if your daughter is older, on both of you. Don't let it get to the stage where she's really aware of his abuse.

You can do this

This is one case where ‘keeping your enemies close’ won’t work, he will destroy you and your daughters mental health.
The first step will be difficult but phone women’s aid and make a start - what’s the alternative ?
Bear in mind sometimes things aren’t as bad after you split up as you think and by the sounds of things it won’t be any worse than your current existence.

My DD is going through the aftermath of finally ending the exact situation you are in.

She used a local domestic violence service.

You'll have a local service. Get in touch with them. There's no pressure, just advice and help if you need it.

My DD has kept all evidence and been supported by the Police.

She's due in Court for a non-molestation order. Find a Family Law Solicitor, if that's the first step you want to take.

You've accepted abuse for you and your DD, you need to break the cycle.

It will get worse for the both of you and you'll fuck up your DD's Mental Health, if you don't stop this.

Woman's Aid are good, but don't dismiss local DV Services, who can quickly refer you to anyother services.

My DD was given a choice of three venues for the Freedom Program, the same week. They could have got a creche place if needed.

Thank you all so much.

The embarrassing thing is that I’ve done the freedom programme, I had an IDVA, I have DV support...yet as soon as that support system had gone, then he wormed his way back in.

It’s so hard to stay strong when you know the target will be your child, it’s so beyond heartbreaking.

I literally have no support. Everyone believes him and think that I’m hard work. I don’t know what’s normal anymore and I’m so scared for my future.

You need to go back to the support that you had then from the dv group.

You need to go back, find the strength to do this, he is already minimising your DD feelings and emotions, get it but do it safely, men are dangerous when they know you want to leave. Have you family to go and stay with.

*Bumping for you OP.

Thank you @emeraldshamrock.

Thankfully I don’t live with him now, but I’m pretty sure he stole a key to the back door. So I can’t say I feel completely secure. I’ve never been a weak person, it’s awful that someone can wear you down so much. I’ve phoned women’s aid multiple times but haven’t been able to get through yet.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

please read

You need you move away from him, not living together is not far enough. I know easier said than done or if you can find the strength tell him no more and mean it, you may get hassle for sometime still living there but if you dig your heels in, he ll realise you are not under his control anymore, he has control of you, take back control of your life, once he loses his control you will see home clearly as a weak hateful person, you don't need, but stay as safe as you can during the transition.

Call 999 now and move out of the house.

Call the police and tell them everything. They can put bail conditions to keep him away from you while he awaits trial.