Am I wrong to cut her out?

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I need to know if I am being unreasonable.

I got engaged two years ago. My friend and i have been friends since university. We knew I was going to get married in 2018, so she was there to talk to, to plan with Etc. A really close friend!

I had a small ceremony last year in March which was religious ceremony for friends and family before the big day in July. It was also my birthday on the same day. She text me the night before telling me she couldn’t come. She has to go away somewhere for the day with her parents. I said ok that’s fine I understand.

She didn’t turn up to a meal she planned for my wedding. I did explain it was too close to the wedding but I agreed we could do one last meal. She bailed the day before due to family.

She was invited to a surprise hen night for me - said to my sister in law she will arrive but will be late. She never turned up because of family.

In between this she has gone on two holidays with her other friends to celebrate their hen.

Then fast forward to my wedding in July (there were three events in July - Asian wedding). On the first event she said she would have to get ready at mine as she was rushing with family stuff on the day. I said that’s fine.

The second day she turned up late. I was told by friends she didn’t know and only met on the day that she was slagging off the wedding. She said also she ate before because she didn’t want to eat at the wedding things like that.

The third day she didn’t turn up (actual wedding day) at all because ‘family arrived last minute’. She told the other girls who came to the wedding to tell me she couldn’t come. She text me the next day apologising.

When I came back off my honeymoon I told her I wasn’t happy with how she’s been. This was my wedding and as a super close friend I thought I could’ve relied on her. She didn’t help at all through the wedding period. Nor get me a congratulations card/gift etc.

She said ‘she knew this would happen’ and that I should forgive her. I can’t help but feel so angry. She’s now engaged herself and because I stopped talking to her she said I was a shit friend because I wasn’t there for her to scream and shout about being engaged.

Am I being unreasonable to just cut her out of my life??

Sorry it was long winded!

Also want to add she isn’t married or has kids or anything. So when she said family she meant siblings parents etc.

Aside to all the wedding stuff, what is she like? Is she a good friend generally? Did she have family stuff going on at the time? Could she have had something going on and not told you because she didn't want to upset your wedding?

I noticed she did make comments about people when she didn’t like stuff about them. Things that I found were out of line.

She didn’t have family stuff going on - she had a big family so had sister in laws cousins etc coming round. That was her family stuff

Have you asked her why she did this and explained how it made you feel? It seems odd that she was heavily involved in the planning and then withdrew at the last minute.

So has she given you a real genuine reason for her behaviour? If not I would ask...
If a close friend of mine behaved like that I would be concerned about them.

None of your important events were important to her and she's made that clear. I would ditch her. She is no friend.

I asked her - she said her parents were like we need you here we have family events. Apparently her soon be in laws were arriving randomly but so happened to be on the dates when I was getting married. Am I wrong in thinking she should have said my friends getting married I should be there.

When I spoke to her she said it was just family events she couldn’t get our off. She did go on holidays with her friends etc so she seemed to be fine.

She’s not much of a friend?

A really close uni friend of mine flaked on my wedding. It was very odd behaviour and I was pretty devastated. I’ve actually never spoken to her since, but I found out from an extended family member that she’d had a complete breakdown, got into drugs etc. Very sad really. So it could be something like that?

Hmm. I think there will be 2 sides to this.
I mean 4 events plus a hen do and a separate meal ? Is what I can gather ?

I feel if she has been a close friend there has to be more to this. Have you asked her if she still wants to be friends?

Maybe she actually had important stuff on and it was a coincidence, just because she doesn't have children won't make family business less important. It sounds like you have other issues with her character, so cut her off for that if you don't like her any more. Your wedding was of all-consuming interest to you, but you shouldn't expect it to be so important to anybody else.

Is she Asian as well? Was she under a lot of family pressure to participate in those family events? My best friend is Asian and I’ve just accepted that her family always trumps plans with me because it would be such a huge deal to her parents if she didn’t turn up for them.

Ceremony in March
Planned meal
Hen party
Three events in July

Also want to add she isn’t married or has kids or anything. So when she said family she meant siblings parents etc.

Did you ask what the family events were?

She’s Asian also she is aware of the events. When she told me she was now engaged she expected me to help with her all events and attend her events. But I refused as I was so upset that she didn’t make the effort for my wedding.

But to be busy for every single event?

The events were family coming round for dinner etc

If she's been bit ching behind your back, I'm thinking it's not a coincidence that she's been too busy to be fully involved with any event.

I would struggle to believe her 'reasons', Three events and her family were fine with her missing all 3? Do they know you? Have you offended them in the past?
If she didn't want to be there she should have had the stones to tell you to your face or at least in advance, getting a 3rd party to pass it on is lazy and selfish, not as lazy and selfish as texting the next day was...
She sounds pretty unpleasant honestly

Of course you cut her out- is she someone who struggles to be happy for other people?

That is quite a lot of wedding events TBH I would find that overwhelming myself

She would have the same amount of events for her own wedding, it’s normal in our community. They were spread out throughout the year. Notice was given a year on advance.

Nope cut her out. No true friend would bail on a good friends wedding on account of "family stuff", unless that family stuff is a damn emergency.

Good for you for refusing to help with her events. And yes to all those raised eyebrows about the amount of events, this is extremely common in the Asian community, so would not be a surprise to her in the slightest.

OP, I'm sorry your friend is a bitch and YANBU to cut her off and tell her why.

She is not much if a friend, if she misses ALL of your wedding events, slags off your wedding and tge food to people...a friend doesn't do that, even if a friend couldn't attend, they would be wishing you well and excited for you, not stabbing you in the back by slagging it off...

She doesn't sound like a friend, she sounds awful, I would tell her you know that she has been slagging off your wedding and food and that it's unacceptable to you, she may not feel it's important, but as a friend she should at least respect your special day ..

If it was me I'd slowly faze her out and don't confide anything in her anymore...and pay close attention to how she talks about others...as the saying goes, that will be how she talks about you to other people too..

She’s Asian herself so the number of events won’t be a surprise to her or an inconvenience.

The least she could have done would have been to make an appearance to the actual wedding.

Tell her you have ‘family stuff’ also. That seems to be an acceptable reason for her.