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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give into money demands

19 replies

greenfrogs · 23/01/2019 16:42

I have 2 stepchildren (one DSS (23) and one DSD (21)) and a DD (17). DSS is NC due to extreme bad behaviour and now DSD is demanding money for a postgrad course - we have already paid 1st installment which was supposed to be our total commitment but she (always) uses emotional blackmail and manipulates her dad to get her own way - and she is now threatening to go NC or give up her course.

DP is very upset as I always stand up to her and he wants to ensure she has as much as he can give - AIBU to not give in to her demands - she won't speak to me and doesn't include me on cards etc even through the money for her first course installment was actually paid for by me (I got no thanks).

DP has told her to call me, rather than him, as he gets really upset by what she says and does not stand up to her (she knows this) which I don't think she will do, she will just keep up the emotional blackmail/tears until he caves in and either his parents or we will have to pay.

DP says I will get the same demands from DD when she goes to uni, so we should pay up, but i think that we agreed to only pay the first installment and to stick by that - she shouldn't get money when she threatens him - DP is worried he will lose contact with her as well as being NC with his son.

OP posts:

Eliza9917 · 23/01/2019 16:49

YANBU at all imo.

She's an adult so surely she can get a part time job and manage her money better. Plus, giving in time after time only reinforces this behaviour. You have to make a stand sometime or you'll be funding her for her whole life.

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/01/2019 16:56

Seems like she has put a price on her love for her father.

Hand over the cash and I will still love you

Give me none and I won’t talk to you ever again.

HavelockVetinari · 23/01/2019 16:57

YANBU! Tell your DP to grow a backbone and stop trying to buy his DD's love.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 23/01/2019 16:59

At 16 my dd got a pt job to support herself though uni. Your dsd sounds an entitled madam.
Send her links to jobs.

Parisbun · 23/01/2019 17:01

If you paid out of your own money and she didnt see fit to thank you for that I wouldnt give her the time of day from now on if I was you.
If her Dad wants to pay out of his own money then so be it. But she has to speak only to him and he cant ask you to contribute.
At 21 this madam has a lot of growing up to do. Giving her everything she demands isnt helping that at all.
Time she got a job and supported herself.

Burpsandfustles · 23/01/2019 17:02

We don't know what the other side here op.

It's very tricky with step families isn't it. You may have been the best step mum in the world and genuinely don't deserve this..

It's also very hard on what money goes where. In nuclear family of coursework the mum and dad usually sacrifice everything to get the kids educated etc... Or try their damdest.

What about the mum, is there a step dad?

What was the split like? Did the children suffer etc.
My df had an affair when I was doing my gcses..the fall out was horrific. Its mentally scarred me, the arguments, drinking of course directly impacted my life, my grades... It broke my mum... What price can you put on that sort of thing. May not be the same in your case op but I always think of the other side...

Burpsandfustles · 23/01/2019 17:03

April and Paris...

This girl sounds like she is hurting to me. I'd probably find out why before calling her an entitled madam 🤔.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 23/01/2019 17:07

Many dc of divorced dps play each off against each other for financial gain ime.
If her df gives in all the time as op states then it's win win for her. No suggestion she is hurting in the post at all. Grabby maybe.

Ragwort · 23/01/2019 17:09

Your DP sounds really wet in that he can’t have an honest chat with his own child and tells her to phone you . How can you have any respect for him. And how hurtful for the DD to be told by her own father that he can’t make a decision and to ‘phone greenfrogs’.
As a PP said, there is clearly a lot more to this than just the facts you have given us. How long have you been with your DP? Were you the other woman? Do the SDC live with you? Where is their mother in all this?

Original poster

greenfrogs · 23/01/2019 17:14

DP and ex split when she was 5ish (brother was 7/8) bad split as ex went off with another man and wouldn't let children see their dad for a time (not sure how long).

We have been together for 7 years and 2 years ago sold both our houses to buy a house together - DSD has never lived with us and she is insanely jealous of DD as she believes her dad has his own "new" family now.

Just before Christmas she was sobbing outside the house for 40mins as she didn't want to see me - I have always tried to be nice to her but she is really hard work and we have had rows (last Christmas she went through my DD room whilst we were out and then complained about everything my DD had that she didn't (mainly given to DD by my parents). I told DP to speak to her and eventually she came in and chatted away to us as if nothing had happened (no red eyes).

We paid £3k for her course and told her this was all we could afford (as doing up house) - she has now asked for a further £5k.

At the time she enrolled, I tried to persuade her to wait a year to save up the fees, but she was adamant that she could afford it with us paying the first installment and the rest coming from student loan, savings and her Mum's side of the family (they have a history of not contributing and trying to max DP contributions).

OP posts:

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 23/01/2019 17:17

If you would only pay the first instalment for your DD then that is all you should pay for SDD.

Original poster

greenfrogs · 23/01/2019 17:19

DP has a weakness when it comes to his children and they have always taken advantage - this is a sore point between us, as I believe in telling children/young adults off and standing up for us both and allowing them to stand on their own 2 feet - which is what I have encourage with my DD.

OP posts:

Holidayshopping · 23/01/2019 17:19

Why is it you paying and not your DH?

BlueEyedPersephone · 23/01/2019 17:21

After update, she is an entitled Madame, let dh deal and call her bluff.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/01/2019 17:25

I agree it sounds like she's hurting, and tbh your update confirms it. It must hurt seeing her father in a safe and solid family situation that she never had. No excuse for the perpetual demands but of course it is context.

I would have said at the outset that you would match her contribution to the course, or agree to pay her last instalment, not her first. Maybe that's what you do now.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/01/2019 17:27

how old is your DD?
Agree with ^^pp - what would you do for your DD? That's what you should do for DSD.

Coyoacan · 23/01/2019 17:32

I think if I had the money I would be happy to pay it but not under a threat like that. I'd rather give it away to a donkeys charity.

Original poster

greenfrogs · 23/01/2019 17:35

DD is 17 and I have put away all the (small monthly amount) of maintenance that I have got from my exH away for her since we split when she was 1. We don't see my exH (his choice). This is her uni fund (she doesn't know about it).

DSD has already had monthly payments all during her degree this is a post grad 1 year course she is doing with fees of £15k.

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 23/01/2019 17:36

If it's an MA there is now iirc a £10k loan for an MA via student finance? We have just put ds through his MA, and it was just under £7k for tuition (alumni discount), plus Halls (ouch, more than the tuition) and his living expenses. She will be back for more!

I would ask to look at campus connect to see what instalments are due for what, as we paid in two for the tuition, as we were self funding and in four instalments for Halls as the MA continued til the dissy was due in September, so we had to pay an extra instalment to cover the summer.

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