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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not believe in second chances?

28 replies

MiniDriver91 · 23/01/2019 15:08

I personally think that when trust is broken in a relationship, for whatever reason, you can choose to continue on but it will never be the same.

Sure, there are sometimes reasons to try and make it work (having a family, for example) but do you think that second chances can work?

OP posts:
GreenEggsHamandChips · 23/01/2019 15:09

They work for me. Not in every case, but if i can see something has changed

JasperKarat · 23/01/2019 15:10

Have you never made a mistake or bad choice that you've not repeated?

icannotremember · 23/01/2019 15:15

It really depends. Some things that would be second chance territory for me would be an absolute deal breaker with no way back for someone else, and vice versa.

Are you OK?

MrsWolfe · 23/01/2019 15:17

I give them and have used them. Third ones too. As long as there's evidence of change (and it's sustainability), I see no reason as to why people shouldn't have a chance to rectify their mistakes and make up in their behaviour. People change. Situations change. Our line of thinking and mental states change.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 23/01/2019 15:19

I suspect you are like me op and struggle to forgive people. My dm did not set me a good example in keeping friendships /relationships going. A fall out =ltb in her eyes. I feel similar and it isn't for want of trying!!

Original poster
MiniDriver91 · 23/01/2019 15:39

Interesting...

I’m absolutely fine, I just don’t think people are capable of change. Yes I’ve made mistakes but I have never assumed someone would/could/should forgive and forget.

Yet I’m being made to feel like a lesser person for not thinking everyone deserves a second chance automatically.

I am definitely like you, aprilshowersarecomingsoon

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 23/01/2019 15:50

Def explains why I have no friends. I take zero shit off people. Dh is a good friend but I know he worries if we fall out!!

Bombardier25966 · 23/01/2019 15:53

You're making yourself feel like a lesser person. Does that suggest you might know that your thinking is flawed?

Tunnocks34 · 23/01/2019 15:53

I am too forgiving I think. I will give people chances (in certain instances), providing I feel I still want them in my life after their actions, and I feel that they can grow and make amends.

Certain things, never. Domestic Violence, cheating etc I wouldn’t entertain a second chance.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/01/2019 15:58

I think that's a very black and white view. I think it depends on someone's motivations for making a mistake. For example if someone did something horrible just because they thought they could get away with it and did it repeatedly then that would be hard to forgive. If someone lies about something when they've been caught out or tries to blame someone else then that's hard to forgive. If someone did something totally out of character in very specific circumstances for example got drunk after a close family members funeral while they were grieving and did something they massively regret then that's a bit more understandable. If someone owns their mistake and tries to learn from it then it's easier to forgive. A lot of people, given the right stress and circumstances, will make mistakes. I think how they deal with those mistakes counts for a lot

ILoveChristmasLights · 23/01/2019 16:00

Why have you joined MN or name changed for this? You have written this as though you are wanting to write an article, but I’m not sure you are. You say you are ok, but it doesn’t feel like you are?!

Do you want to tell us what’s actually going on?

Elfinablender · 23/01/2019 16:00

I have a high bar for human failings but an unforgiving red line.

It's not that I believe that people can't change but I'm just not particularly inclined to wait around to find out

DonCorleoneTheThird · 23/01/2019 16:07

I agree with above, it's far too black and white. It's the kind of situations when you need the whole story.

I don't agree with people who are too narrow-minded and make snap judgements just because.

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 23/01/2019 16:18

I do believe in second chances and like PP, I have both given and received them. Humans are fallible.

I used to be very black and white, cross ‘X’ line and that’s it. The older I get, the more I see the grey areas and nuances of scenarios. I’m more forgiving than I ever was. I hear a lot of ‘now I’m over [insert age], I take no crap and am more assertive’. I am less so. I was very assertive (aggressively so) when I was younger. Not physically but more in terms of foisting my opinions on anyone and everyone, being a bit of an obnoxious gobshitey twat.

As for the ‘take no crap’. Do you never give out ‘crap’ (intentionally or otherwise)? Emotional ‘shit’ is part of the human condition. We aren’t perfect robots, we all have bad days or feel ill, tired, snappy or have the potential to make a decision that spirals out of control and inadvertently hurts someone we care about.

A second chance doesn’t necessarily have to be a ‘wipe the slate clean’ and move on. Depending on the circumstances and the people involved, it may be something that has to be worked towards. Just because someone is willing to consider second chances doesn’t mean that it is an immediate free pass to behave badly.

Rodenhide · 23/01/2019 16:25

Massively depends on the situation. Could you give us an example as to what you're talking about? So, smaller things which you could fall out over but which really aren't terrible... I'm not really a forgive and forget person or a particularly trusting one but there are some things you just need to get over.

steppemum · 23/01/2019 16:34

hmm, it is a tricky one, as I firmly believe both sides to this are right.

I have seen peopel who massively turned their lives around. Drug addicts who cleaned up etc.
I have seen plenty of times where an incident shocked someone enough to really reflect on their actions, and wnat to change.

I do forgive and forget, but that does not mean I put myself in the space to be hurt again.

For every person who genuinely changes, there are half a dozen who don't. If, for example in a relationship a man had an affair, it is very very likely he will do it again. I would have to be very sure that there was genuine change in order to believe he wouldn't. It is the default option that people DON'T change sadly.

I think we misunderstand forgive and forget. I heard it described like this. If you step too close to me and step on my toes, I can forgive and forget. But if you do it again, and I forgive and forget again, I am entitled to choose to stand further away from you, in order that my toes don't get stepped on again.
In other words, you can forgive and still walk away. One doesn't exclude the other

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 23/01/2019 16:36

Children are works in progress, so make mistakes often. Adults are pretty much the finished article; they might change in terms of patience and understanding, but I believe their moral code is pretty much set. I'm a nicer person than I was at 18, certainly. But my morals and values are pretty much as they were, just with a better understanding of people and life. I tend to assume others are the same.

Ragnarhairybreetches · 23/01/2019 16:37

I do, my DSis doesn't. I do it almost more for me, give them a chance and if they mess up I walk with no doubts or second guesses. I think I'd not be so confident in my decision otherwise, but that's my flaw not theirs!

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/01/2019 16:42

I find it very easy to forgive people. Most people are basically good, but we’re human, we fuck up. If people are willing to demonstrate change and show remorse, I’m happy to give them the opportunity to do it. It’s an attitude which has stood me in good stead - I have healthy relationships, no “drama” in my life, and I can count on one hand the occasions that giving a second or third chance has been a poor decision of worked out badly.

Racecardriver · 23/01/2019 16:44

I agree. That doesn’t mean that one incident would end my marriage or that I wouldn’t forgive my DH but I find it impossible to forget.

KatherinaMinola · 23/01/2019 16:46

It's not that I believe that people can't change but I'm just not particularly inclined to wait around to find out

Yep, sums it up for me.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 23/01/2019 16:50

Nobody to give crap to tbh! I live in a bubble with dh +dc. I am aware I am very black and white. It's not easy being this way.

steppemum · 24/01/2019 10:22

Adults are pretty much the finished article;

I find that pretty depressing to be honest, and a very hopeless outlook on life and humanity.

It is possible to change, not many do, and it isn't easy, but it certainly happens

Parthenope · 24/01/2019 10:37

From your OP, the suggestion is that this involves infidelity in a committed relationship, rather than a friend breaking a confidence or someone repeatedly cancelling plans. I think a hard and fast rule on this is impossible. You judge according to your own feelings, instincts and the specific relationship and circumstances -- not because someone else thinks you are being unfair for not wanting to continue as before.

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 24/01/2019 10:40

I’m glad I’m not friends with any of the “people can’t change” faction. Life’s a long journey and who are you to say people aren’t profoundly altered by their experience?
Makes me laugh how many posters berate others for having their judgey pants on when you can’t get more judgemental than stating we’re all set in stone.