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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Lifts?

53 replies

Fairyliz · 23/01/2019 11:30

I am part of a group of 4 friends who sometimes go into our local city on a Friday night for a meal/to the theatre etc. Three of us are married one is single (relevant). Usually what happens is that one of the DH's runs us in and another collects us.

However I know my DH is not very keen on doing this running around. He is exhausted on a Friday night and generally like to come in, have a drink and slump in front of the tv, which obviously he cannot do if he is driving us around. The round trip would be about an hour.

I suggested to friends that we get a taxi, but they are not keen due to the cost, which would be about £15 per person in total.

I know that DH will drive if I ask him (albeit a bit grumpily), but he would never ask me to do anything I didn't want to so it feels a bit mean. It also annoys me that the single friend never drives or pays for a taxi but doesn't get any pressure from the group.

So any wise words from MN jury?

OP posts:

Hiphopopotamous · 23/01/2019 13:04

An hours trip 8 times a year - surely that isn't too much to ask of DH? Can he not avoid drinking for one night until he has dropped you off/collected you? Is he a problem drinker?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 23/01/2019 13:09

I guess if its only once every 3 months its not a big ask but tbh but if your husband doesn't want to anymore and your friends don't want to get a taxi then you could do the driving on your husbands turn, and then accept the lifts when its your friends turns.

Croprotationinthe14thcentury · 23/01/2019 13:09

RiverTam because on her other friends turns (excluding the single friend) they are taking turns to drop off/pick up so everyone gets there/ home for free. However on the ops turn, she or her dp cant be bothered to, so expect everyone to shell out for a taxi when it's her turn to sort out travel. She should either drive herself, get her dp to do it or pay a taxi herself, as should her single friend too. Maybe I didn't make it clear in my post. If she can't be bothered to drive on her turn she should pay for the taxi, so should her single friend on her turn also.

micromanager1 · 23/01/2019 13:23

It seems completely fair to me that every month, you and your friends are entitled to a night out, and it requires some ferrying to and fro. I assume that the arrangement is reflective of an equal amount of social time on the part of their husbands e.g. meeting up with friends on the weekend, or after work drinks etc.
I don't think the OP has said anything about any DH begrudging his DW the social time so it's not really about that.

Seems more like OP's DH is feeling a bit worn out and thinks that the rotation would be fairer if it was paired up so he only needed to go every other month. It seems a bit trivial to talk about costs since if it's only an hour round trip, because it's less than the £15 taxi which would be coming out of their joint finances as a couple.

The fact is your friend is single, so doesn't have a husband to offer up to the ferrying. It's not really worth getting into this with her, because those are just the facts. She's likely very aware of this, but what can she do if she wants to enjoy social time with her friends, who all want to go the city?

Maybe a way around this is to thank your husband for his effort by treating him the next day - e.g. breakfast in bed, date night, a lie in, etc. etc. Something special to make sure he knows that his time and effort is really appreciated, on behalf of both you and your friends. It's a small gesture, but might go a long way.

That way, you will get the lovely girls night that I'm sure you all deserve, and your husband - who I'm sure is facilitated to socialise by you at other times - doesn't feel resentful about the drive.

Romanov · 23/01/2019 13:27

its not once every 3 months, they have to take them there as well,
so they are doing the hour round trip every 2 months - its just the late one thats not every 2 months

Geminijes · 23/01/2019 13:31

Rather than your husband's take it in turns to ferry you all around why don't you and your friends take in it turns to drive? Surely, it's no hardship not to drink 1 in 4 times you go out?
Why should the husband's not drink to act as taxi driver to drive/collect you so you all can drink? Sounds selfish to me.

5foot5 · 23/01/2019 13:34

None of the women want to drive as that means we can't drink and parking is difficult.

But if you took it in turns to drive yourselves then that is only once in every four months that you have to stay dry, surely not so bad. Seems a bit much to expect the DH's to do all the running around and doing without a relaxed Friday evening in with a drink.

IsItThatTimeAgain · 23/01/2019 13:34

Okay so if none of you want to drive so you can get sloshed then the one friend being single isn't actually relevant.

Sounds like you just want to bitch about her because she hasn't married a chauffeur yet.

Last2Know · 23/01/2019 13:44

But if you took it in turns to drive yourselves then that is only once in every four months that you have to stay dry, surely not so bad

Well if I only had one night out a month, I would want to drink. Not everyone enjoys being sober on a night out.

Original poster

Fairyliz · 23/01/2019 14:05

Ok more info because its seems some people haven't understood my posts:-
We go about once per month, so there are 24 trips in total. Over the last year each of the DHs has done 8, 4 trips into town and 4 home, but not on the same night.

I don't want to drive and don't want to ask my husband any more. So I proposed that none of the husbands drive and we get a taxi every time. Married and single friends don't want to do this they want the situation to stay as husbands driving .

I do like to have a couple of drinks when I am out (hope that doesn't make me a lush) So AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fairyliz · 23/01/2019 14:10

LivingDeadGirlUK Thank you think this is a reasonable solution.

Croprotationinthe14thcentury So far my DH has always taken his 'turn' so I don't think I have taken advantage. I just want to change things now.

OP posts:

BeanTownNancy · 23/01/2019 14:13

Jeezoh · 23/01/2019 14:15

Surely when it’s your turn to sort the pick up, you pay for the taxi yourself? Your friends then have the option of paying for a taxi or getting their husbands to pick them up when it’s their turn? Just because your husband wants to stop doing it doesn’t automatically mean the other husbands have to too.

Romanov · 23/01/2019 14:22

this is a great idea

nutellalove · 23/01/2019 14:25

On your DHs turn you could drive yourselves in and just not drink that one night ? The other 3/4 times when you're not driving you could drink.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/01/2019 14:28

Each person takes a turn to be responsible for transport
Those with DHs that will happily give lifts arrange for them to do so
Those without pay for taxi or drive themselves instead.

Can't believe people would expect their OHs to drive round and pick people up like that but hey-ho if people are happy to be ferried like teenagers by their parents so be it.

Hillarious · 23/01/2019 14:31

None of the women want to drive as that means we can't drink and parking is difficult.

Is that parallel parking you find difficult, or bay parking? Perhaps a refresher lesson?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/01/2019 14:40

Is there any public transport at all?

IsItThatTimeAgain · 23/01/2019 14:46

@BeanTownNancy

That's a good idea.

Croprotationinthe14thcentury · 23/01/2019 15:01

Fairyliz - fair enough if you've so far taken turns, I apologise if I misunderstood. However I still think you should all take turns and if you want to get a taxi on your turn, then you pay for it. If on the others turn they want to get their dp's to pick up/drop off instead of paying out for a cab, then that's up to them. So each friend is in charge of getting everyone there and everyone home once every 4 months

arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2019 15:11

This is easy.
Once every 4 times is your responsibility to decide what to do. You can each choose yourselves whether
A. Your own dh drives
B. You drive
C. You pay for the taxi for everyone.

If you choose option B, you're doing 2 of your times in one go. (There and back)

I cannot see how this solution isn't the obvious and most fair one.

Your suggestion if everyone chipping in for a taxi isn't fair on the two whose husbands are happy to do it.

RangeRider · 23/01/2019 15:11

I think that you should probably change it so each person does one day of travel and then you can choose whether you want to drive yourself and not drink that month or arrange DH/taxi for everyone if you did want to, when it's your "turn". Single friend should also take her turn.
This ^^. Much more fair. As it stands single friend is doing very well out of it so I can see why OP might want to change it. Single friend is a CF.

IdleBetty · 23/01/2019 15:13

Yes you should pay the taxis on your turn if your DH doesn't want to help you out any more. He has been doing you a favour, just like the other husbands are doing for their wives.
As for the single friend, maybe she should pay a taxi for her turn.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2019 15:13

Ah, I see now that latterly lots of posters suggested my way. I just read thr op. And the first few pages and was surprised no one had said that yet.

Original poster

Fairyliz · 23/01/2019 15:46

arethereanyleftatall

Thank you for your wise words, which I will follow.

See I knew mumsnet would sort it for me.

OP posts:

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