WIBU to write to my parents’ neighbours? (Parking!)

[DollyWilde]

Very happy to hear the mumsnet view on this, as I’m unsure whether it’s the right thing to do. If it needs a diagram I can provide one later

DM and DF (early 60s/late 50s, so not old!) live in a cul-de-sac in a house they moved into 15 years ago, when I was a teenager. There’s 4 houses at their end of the close, making up a pentagon with entrance to the close being the fifth side. They’ve never had any issues with the neighbours before, they tend to just keep themselves to themselves. I now live 1.5hrs away with DH.

DDad has MS which was diagnosed when I was in my teens and is now quite advanced. They’ve always been ‘grit your teeth and get on with it’ types so while DM is Dad’s carer, she is still working part time. She’s out of the house 10am - 4pm, during which time Dad is generally confined to his motorised armchair in the front room. He passes his days now snoozing and watching the cricket with a thermos of tea, and while it’s a pretty lonely and sad existence he’s learned to cope with his world being small. He can’t go outside without a lot of help and generally he only leaves his armchair once or twice during the day in order to go to the toilet or eat a sandwich mum leaves out for him.

About a year ago the neighbours to one side of them moved and another family moved in. I’ve never spoken to them directly but they seem nice enough - youngish, school age kids. They park their car in front of their garage and that is fine, it’s their land, no issues at all.

The problem has arisen as they have a regular guest who comes over a few times a week (think it is a family member). Our old neighbours used to fit two cars side by side on their drive but new neighbours don’t want to do this, their car’s bigger, they’ve got car seats to fit, totally fair. So they park the guest’s car directly behind theirs, poking out into the middle of the pentagon of the close, which is directly in front of the window into my parents’ front room.

Before anyone asks I don’t know whether they are legally allowed to park there, that’s not really the issue at hand. The problem is that if they park there when the sun is shining, sunlight bounces directly onto the second car and straight into my dad’s eyes sat in his chair. It sounds incredibly petty but it’s really affecting his quality of life.

If my dad were able bodied he could get up and pull the curtain, but then if he was able bodied he probably wouldn’t have to spend 30 hours a week stuck in an armchair There’s nowhere else in the house that’s comfortable for him to sit for longer than it takes to have a meal, as he needs the mechanism of the chair to stand up so can’t sit on the sofa.

This has been an issue for a while and there are a lot of areas along the cul de sac that would be fine for this guest to park. However, in typical ‘grit your teeth and get on with it’ fashion they’ve mentioned it in passing but not pushed the issue (which is when the neighbours have said about not wanting to park the cars side by side). Stupidly, this week my dad decided to try and get to the door and speak to the guest who was parking up and ask her to move. As he can’t get outside without help this involved calling to her from the front door and now they have accused my dad of shouting at their guest, which tbf he probably did, albeit only because he couldn’t leave the house.

I totally accept that my dad is a grumpy old git, I’ve known him all my life and he always has been tbh, although obviously the frustration of being a once fit and healthy man who is essentially housebound and lost a lot of dignity has obviously made it worse.

They’re proposing to have a conversation about it over the weekend and I’m hoping that if my (much calmer!) mum is there it can be resolved. However, I’ve been wondering whether I should drop the neighbours a line. I’ve got no reason to assume they’re unreasonable people and I can understand why they’re a bit peeved at dad shouting to ask them to move. But what I don’t think they yet understand is that by making a tiny change and parking maybe 25m away, they would make a huge difference to my dad’s pretty miserable life. Dad has been asking me to pull up Land Registry boundary documents off the net for the conversation and I’m not optimistic that it is going to go well. I think he’s going to try and make it into a matter of legality when in fact it’s far more simple, it’s about an act of kindness they could do for him so as to make his (and my poor long suffering mum’s) life easier. I worry that if the meeting goes badly at the weekend they’ll be disinclined to be that kind to dad and as a result it’ll escalate.

The flip argument here is that I’m meddling, shouldn’t get involved and I’m just doing it because I feel guilty I can’t do more to help them out being so far away. I think these neighbours are decent people and I’d like them to understand but there is of course a very real risk that in sending a letter I could easily make it worse.

Mum is talking about electric blinds and things but they really can’t afford to be spending money on that sort of thing, and besides that would mean dad having to sit alone in a chair but in the dark as well . I know they shouldn’t have to park elsewhere just to please my dad (I’ve been on mumsnet long enough to agree that unless you own the land you have to accept people may park there!!) but at the same time the idea of having to spend a couple of hours 3 times a week with the sun shining directly into your eyes and no way of stopping it is pretty crap.

Any thoughts would be welcome, I’m really unsure whether to say anything or stay well out of it.

I think a note is fine as long as you say that you understand if they can’t accomodate you. You’re only asking.

Honestly, I would be mortified if I knew I was causing this kind of stress and upset to a man with MS and limited mobility. I'd be gutted if they felt they had to move furniture round to accommodate my selfish parking.

I would speak to them in person, apologise for any offence cause or misunderstanding, calmly explain the situation and make sure they understand how much your dad's quality of life is being affected.

Unless they are utter cunts they will understand.

See if they’re in the phone book and you could ring them instead of writing.

I’d write. And I’d move my car if I were them. Particularly if you emphasise that it’s a recent problem due to the position of the sun ie it’s the suns fault not theirs.

Acknowledge that you’re asking for a favour, apologise if your dad came off grumpy due to shouting because he can’t quickly walk up to chat to someone, explain his inability to move as you have done here. You’re unlikely to make things worse than your parents approach will!!

I see no harm in you explaining the situation as you have here. Most people who have no issues with choosing somewhere else to park in that situation.

In my home office I have blinds that let just enough sun through to be annoying some days.

I have fixed it by attaching a sheet of flipchart paper to the blind. It's light colour paper so the room stays bright but not blinding.

Obviously I'm not suggesting you go round wallpapering the windows(!) but just wondering if there is anything else similarly "solid" you could temporarily affix while the sun is currently an issue.

I love the suggestion that they park on your parents drive if free. (Even if that means your.mum has to park a little further away for a while and move her car once they leave.) This makes it less about your parents inconveniencing them....and, as you say any reasonable person would accommodate the request. But it makes the conversation a nicer one.

I think your mum should pop over one evening after work without your dad present and explain everything you have just done.

Make sure your dad is claiming all the benefits he can to make his life easier, it sound as if he should be on enhanced PIP.

Blinds to go make cheap vertical blinds you put up yourself.

I wouldn’t put a letter through, face to face (your mums) would be much better.

MS is a horrible illness.

I presume its not just about the glare of the sun and more about your Dad being able to look out and see whats going on. Can your mum not go round on her own ( or chat over the drive way) explaining the quality of life issue rather than the sun blinding one?
I completely understand that your Dad will be frustrated, ( my husband is grumpy most of the time and he is active and healthy). He won’t want to be discussed as an invalid especially as he has his faculties. The neighbours probably have just not realised the impact it has on his life.
Although if they have small children not parking directly outside the house can be traumatic for some people!
If your Dad starts with legal issues it may put their backs up, if done as a quality of life issue they may be more understandable.
Good luck to your mum as it sounds like she will be doing the brunt of the negotiation.

I can see the temptation not to interfere but I think if it were me, I'd write. From your post, I think you'd come across as well meaning and appealing to their kindness. I also think if I were the neighbour I'd understand and do what I could to help.

I'm sorry if I've missed this but have you told your parents that you are thinking about writing? I guess they might have really strong feelings which you should consider. I hope the matter gets resolved smoothly and kindly.

I agree with others, particularly the comment that going over there armed with plans and documents is likely to get the neighbours backs up. I also agree that speaking to them in person, even if that's in week or two, would be better than a letter.

If the situation were explained calmly, they would have to be very hard-hearted not to accommodate your dad, so that's certainly worth a try. I think if it were me, I'd go over with some chocolates, apologise for the misunderstanding over the shouting, and appeal to their better nature.

I think you should write the letter.

Start with your apologies - explain you’d rather have called by in person, but you live too far away & apologise for it seeming like your Dad was shout AT rather than TO their visitors.

Tell them the situation as you have here. Don’t offer up other suggestions (nets, blinds etc) because your Dad’s life is already compromised a LOT without putting up stuff at the window so he can’t watch the birds, the weather etc.

Give them your email/phone contacts, make it easy for them to reply.

You won’t make it worse, your Dad going over there with legal documents will NOT help the situation at this stage 😖

If it’s not a private road they can’t park like that, but I’d ASK nicely before I started down that route.

maybe have a long chat with your Mum about ways she could handle the conversation. Suggesting the softly softly approach. If it all goes tits up then maybe you could step in to help, but I think you should let them try first. I know how you feel about just desperately wanting to help and not knowing where the boundaries are. Im finding that as my parents age I am having to redefine what the boundaries between us look like and its a dynamic process as they age

Do NOT say you’re just asking and understand if they won’t park elsewhere. Unless it’s a private road, and even then they often have rules) they cannot park on the end of a drive poking into the road. Imagine if we all did that!

If I were you I'd try and get there for when the neighbours and your parents are to have this conversation. I'd do my very best to be there for that. I'd call in whoever I might need to to cover me in whatever I had planned for myself this weekend but I'd be there. You could be the calm voice of reason as your neighbours are probably unaware of your dad's condition, so the shouting from the door way doesn't make sense to them, he's just an angry elderly neighbour shouting from his door way to them.

Good luck with it.

Get shutters and angle them away from the sun. He will still have light and be able to see out. I honestly think this is your parents problem, not the neighbours. Surely you can angle the chair slightly?

I understand why OP doesn’t want to stoke drama but in my view these neighbours are utter CFs. They’re letting a visitor park so that their car is poking out into the turning area/cul de sac, i.e into the ROAD? That is super selfish. If this person is only visiting a few hours a week the
lazy fuckers should budge their car over so they can fit on their drive.

Can’t believe you’re now tying yourselves into knots over how to get around their shitty parking behaviour!

Romanov Has an excellent point regarding Alexa enabled blinds or curtains.
I backed a kickstarter over 2 years ago and they are FINALLY getting ready to ship March/April this year but since then others have released blind contractions that work with Alexa, so he can ask for them to be opened or closed without moving.
It then also gives him the options if you wanted to introduce more smart ideas of controlling lights, the heating all through voice commands as well as him playing music, audible books. Ikea are launching blinds that work with their lights and Alexa. The Kickstarter i'm on is Slide and for curtains. May be worth checking out the options as it will hopefully help more than just the immediate problem but give your Dad some control over his environment

Two options, firstly your Mum goes round without your Dad so she can talk about him without embarrassing him. She could even let them into the house when they have their friend visiting so they can see the impact first hand.

Or you write the letter as you have put the point above, asking them to consider parking further down the road to enable your father to have the enjoyment from his armchair. I would state all the facts, motorised armchair, unable to move and go elsewhere, cannot leave the house without help.

I don't think any unreasonable person would be offended. I think if your legs are capable of carrying you somewhere then walking a few extra steps to visit someone is hardly an inconvenience. As demonstrated on here a lot, there are many houses with no parking outside of them.

Just get some Alexa operated blinds, vertical blinds, or indeed shutters?

It’s not that simple and it’s quite expensive to that just because someone is being not considerate in they parking.

If the problem is literally only the glare of the sun from the car windows and not anything to do with having a view or not wanting to look at a car etc then could your DM just ask the neighbour's if their guest could put an old sheet or curtain over the roof of their car, hanging down to cover the windows so there would be no glare, for the duration of their visit? A thirty second job which would hopefully alleviate the problem while not causing any animosity about where the car is parked.

I think it is great that you are acknowledging that your Dad did not handle this the right way and may have upset the neighbours. This is obviously the way to start any conversation you have with them.

I do not think you would be wrong in sending a letter but you would be wrong in doing it without your parents consent - they are adults and need to make the decision how to deal with it themselves - but you can obviously talk to them about it.

I suspect if your Mum went round and apologised for your Dad - but explaining the frustration and the amount of effort it took him to get to the door and how he really wanted to catch them etc etc this can all be smoothed over and as you say they are almost certainly reasonable people

However if after this approach it turns out they are complete twats there are also lots of suggestions of how your parents could make some adjustments to solve the issue - even if it means spending a bit of money it should be worth it.

I would look into installing motorized curtains regardless of what the discussion with their neighbour comes to. Please don't send a letter, that would not be received well.

I'd ask the neighbours to come over to your parents when the visitors car was there so they could see you fathers limited mobility and the light reflection for themselves.
You could also let the visitors use your parents drive or parking space.