I have been a step parent to my SD for over 10 years, she is 12 and I have tried very hard to do my best for her over the last 10 years. It was me sitting outside her bedroom door putting her back to bed again and again until 4am and me who provided the interface between her Mum and my DH to make us a good, functional step family.
I have 2 daughters now with my DH, they are 6 and 9.
Recently SDs behaviour has become increasingly difficult, tantrums, violent rages etc. and she has told me that she is very confused about her feelings about me as I have on one hand ruined her life by marrying her Dad and she is sure her life would be better if he and her Mum were still together but she also loves me as I have been around since she was 2 and (I thought) we were pretty ok.
My husband has always held up the ideal that I would be a Mother to her and I have always said that she has a Mother and I will be a third parent but not a Mother to her as she already has one.
Her behaviour recently has been appalling, violent rages, really rude etc. not nice and having a detrimental effect on us all but nothing I would say that wasn’t typical hormonal budding teen stuff. However, I have told her off for it and said it is unacceptable. DH has decided that my treatment of her is unfair and as she is only with us 2 days a week I should stop and I am making her feel unwelcome. I have caught her out telling outright lies about what I have said to her to him but he won’t listen and just says ‘that didn’t happen’ when I challenged him with it.
When I cuddle my kids I can see he is thinking why aren’t you like that with SD? I was, but she is 12 now and not so cuddly but he just doesn’t remember.
He is completely unwilling to listen to anything I say and is just saying I obviously hate her and don’t want her in our lives.
What seems to confirm this for him is that I sometimes take my two Ds to see my parents but not SD. I have taken her plenty of times when we have gone as a whole family but generally yes, I do go and see my parents with just my kids since my parents and DH stopped talking to eachother (whole other sordid tale!) It makes him very angry that she is not included. To put this into context she has been on holiday with us and my parents (my parents paid) plenty of times. We never go away as a family unit without her and the only time she is not included is when my parents take DDs during the holidays to provide childcare 3 times a year and then when I go up for weekends very occasionally, perhaps once every 3 months.
SDs mum often takes her away for weekends abroad and I am too worried about what DH would say if i did the same with my 2. I feel he is limiting my DDs lives with his resentment and perception that SD is being treated unfairly.
What do I do? Am I being unreasonable just taking my two kids up to my parents? And am I being unreasonable in thinking DH feels guilty and has unrealistic expectations from me?