AIBU to tell my exSIL that she can’t make demands on my mum

[justanaunty]

I’m interested in other people’s opinions as I’m unsure if I am too close to the situation to see otherwise.

My brother and his gf had 2 little boys very soon after meeting and then split up when the youngest was 1. The split was acrimonious, she made claims about my brother to social services which ended up with him not being able to see the children unsupervised for a short time.

During this time, my mum had to be present to supervise until social services cleared him. She adores the 2 grandchildren and loves to see them.

What she doesn’t enjoy is that my brother’s ex regularly used to lie about where she was so my mum could never return the boys after the visit, sometime she wouldn’t get in contact for days whilst my poor nephews were stuck at my mums with no clean clothes/bottles/nappies. If my mum tried to drop the boys off she’d lock her door and pretend she wasn’t there. It broke my heart to hear my eldest nephew say “mummy doesn’t want us does she?!” When questioned on her return she only ever said she “needed a break” and that it was my mums “duty” to have the boys every weekend.

She has recently had a third child with a new partner and now has three young children under three. Whilst I can imagine this is tough, she regularly demands that my mum take the older 2 as that’s what grandparents do. She still refuses to let my brother have the boys at his house and says it’s my mum or no one in the family can see them.

Today she’s asked/demanded my mum has them as she wants to go away for a week with the new bf and baby but not the eldest two. My mum has said no (for start my mum works full time!) but has now been called every name under the sun and is apparently being called out on Facebook etc (I don’t have an account to look) for not caring, being selfish, being spiteful and the ex wants to know why she isn’t entitled to have “me time” away from the children every weekend.

If you made through all of that, well done! My Aibu is AIBU to encourage my mum to say no to this request? My mum is already panicking she’ll be denied access to the boys in the future or that they’ll be left somewhere unsuitable if she says no. Grandparents don’t have to have look after the grandchildren every weekend do they?! I don’t have children and I’m “just an auntie” so I’m not entitled to an opinion apparently.

YANBU. I doubt she will carry through on not allowing your mum access as that would mean she would never get a break. Could your mum come to some formal arrangements with her to have the boys at set times? (to be ex SIL doesn't sound the most reasonable of people)

Also, is your brother not in a position yet to contest her decision about his access to the DC?

Is this court ordered your brother not allowed to see his children unsupervised?

Thank you.

It’s not having the boys that’s the problem, it’s the giving them back!

My brother is now trying to get this properly sorted- post break up he was living on friend’s sofa so couldn’t have them there. He now has a full time job where he pays his maintenance and can pay rent for his new place so that’s his next step now he’s more secure to be able to look after them.

I just feel bad for my mum- she can’t do right for doing wrong! Whatever she offers isn’t good enough. ExSIL is the type that will have screaming matches in the street, turn up at your work shouting obscenities etc but never be in the wrong. She just has this set idea that she should have the children in the week and it’s the grandparents who have them at the weekend so she can go out etc. she’s also already broached my mum looking after the new baby so you’re right, she won’t last long without coming back to ask for help. interestingly it’s never her parents she asks this of!

Your brother needs to take it to court and get an order for contact (presuming it's assessed as safe)
Your mum should give serious thought to applying to court as well. Usually grandparents aren't able to make applications but when they have had significant care responsibilities for children they can apply.

Is your SIL actually able to care for these boys properly? She hands them over and doesn't want them back?
Would your grandmother consider looking after them permanently if that were asked of her?

I'd say your mother could come to any type of arrangement and this bitch would still just suit herself. Why on earth should your mother take a week off work to let her off on a holiday. If your mother gives in this time it will just escalate. Next thing you know she'll be dropping the 3rd child and telling your mother she has to mind that child too if she wants to continue seeing her grandchildren. Tell your mother she needs to say no. Does your brother have access now at all? Why is this all on your mother?

No- it was a brief injunction type thing whilst they investigated the claims but have long since removed it. It just set up the precedent that my mum has them at her house during this time if he wanted to see them.

What did she say your brother did that he can't see the kids?

I ask because if she's dying for a break, their dad (your DB) seems the obvious choice to have the boys, so there must be something in it for her to be so reluctant.

I think your brother needs to go to court to get proper visitation. It's crazy his mum is looking after his kids every weekend. Your SiL is also obviously taking advantage - grandparents obviously don't have any responsibility for looking after the children.

Your brother needs to man up, go to court, and get a child arrangement order so his ex can't control your mum's life any more.

Ex sil is being unreasonable, but your brother need to step up and look after his kids.

She was just very bitter about the relationship ending- they were very young to start with and not much older or wiser now. I think she claimed he was violent and she was scared of him etc. now she openly just says that she doesn’t want him to be happy etc therefore he cant see them/have them at his new house. He does see them currently when they do go to my mums. He’s trying to not make things worse at the moment and trying to not provoke her into making any more claims whilst he’s trying to sort the access legally.

I don’t think she’s neglectful etc whilst they are there so I’m not sure the boys would be taken off her- she just wants every weekend “off duty” to do her own thing and gets very resentful when we try to explain she can’t. As I said, she is young ish and must see her friends going out regularly and feel left out. But she felt like that after my first nephew was born so I’m not sure why she thought having another 2 babies would improve her situation?

If she is not available to be found to collect the children then SS need to be involved.

So why can't her own dm be involved?
Alternatively your DB needs to take over the care-giving when the dc go to your dm's at weekends. She'll have to make other arrangements for the new baby though. She is a mega CF!

OP if id dint know any better I would have sworn you were talking about somebody I know. What she's been doing when she won't accept the kids back is partying, drinking and party drugs. She's become pregnant again for her next meal ticket. She will not change any time soon and won't listen to you. Under no circumstances should your mother ever take care of the third baby. Get your brother to sort this out legally asap. If he has a legal agreement to see his children your mother can always see them on his time if anything goes wrong. Not ideal but eventually the ex will come crawling back for her help as well. Good luck. The only way to sort this out is through the courts. Oh, and if you can get any dirt on the ex, do. She's the type that is willing to play dirty and will withhold contact from everybody just to spite you all.

You have painted a very negative picture of your brother’s ex. I’m sure there is some truth to it but you’ve given a very one sided perspective. Does she ask your mother or actually demand? She sounds as if she’s not coping very well. The fact that she’s desperate to palm the children off, yet won’t allow your brother to have them alone suggests that she genuinely believes that your brother is a threat to them in some way. I notice you’ve not been so open about what your brother is supposed to have done.

Es post

Your Mum needs to nip this in the bud now, speaking from experience here. My parents started having my estranged brothers daughter for her Mum as he wasn’t involved. They were always afraid to put their foot down and call her out on her neglectful behaviour, and now 12 years and 3 more kids by 3 different fathers later, her Mum has abandoned her to go and live with a new boyfriend in a different town. My parents have been taken for total mugs over the years, have provided all school uniform and clothes amongst other things, all because they didn’t set boundaries at the start.

If she’s not around to have the boys back, then why doesn’t your brother just take them to his house?
Presuming he’s named on their birth certificates, he could keep them as long as necessary.

Assuming your brother is named o the birth certificate and therefore has parental responsiblity - can your mother agree to a particualr point and then just hand them over to your brother if he now has his place suitable for them to stay?

Appreciate he would need to sort out childcare for whilst he works but if she isnt caring for them then wouldnt that be the better option? And if she doesnt turn up for them she is presumably abandoning them so there is nothing she can reasonably say about them being with their other parent?

But no your mother is not responsible for the kids at any time. The kids and their mother are very lucky she is prepare to take them at any point. The mother wont stop your mum from seeing them - she is too convenient a childcare source.

Next time she is not available to take them back then call social services.