To think this is the wrong thing to say and will attract abusers?

[Kels2019]

I have a friend who’s been dating a man for 6 months, they’re in the process of moving in together ( her place) she has said something to him that’s concerning. She had a really bad breakup with her ex, he literally just got up one day and said he doesn’t love her anymore, and threw her and their young baby out. She went back to her mums until she could afford her own place. She’s now met this man online, and she’s happy. My advice to her was to focus on herself and her child for some time, before getting into a new relationship, because she’s really insecure and I didn’t want her to attract the wrong uns.

She’s obviously told the new man about her bad breakup with her ex, and she’s said to him “ promise you never leave me”. She has abandonment issues, she’s scared he’s gonna leave like her ex, I know that and completely understand. But AIBU to think this will attract abusers and make her look vulnerable? I don’t know how this guy will be when he moves in with her, so far he’s nice and they’re happy. But you never know. What do you think?

I don´t know about whether or not it will attract abusers, but it isn´t a good attitude to bring into a relationship in any case. No-one can promise that they will never leave. No-one knows what the future holds. She needs to be able to stand on her own two feet and not be so dependent on another person.

I don't know but it is a bit soon to be moving someone in after six month, especially as she has a child.

Just be there for her, op, you can't do much else. It's her life.

I think the whole thing sounds pretty dire - she's moving herself and her child in with him after 6 months, that's bad enough! I mean, I agree that her saying that to him is not good at ball, but none of it is.

Re attracting abusers, well she's already with him so I don't think Men go from not being abusers to thinking, hey I can try it out with this one.

Is there anything about him ringing alarm bells?

It's VERY soon to be moving a new man in with her baby so I'd err on the side of keeping your ears open, be there to support her and hope it's not as disastrous as it sounds

she’s said to him “ promise you never leave me”

See, I think thats manipulative and ultimately abusive.

Normal, sensible men will usually run a mile from that sort of proclamation. Has she had any counselling or Freedom Project-type training? Would she be receptive to the suggestion of it?

I don’t think it’s necessarily the wrong thing to have said. Security and stability is obviously what she needs most from someone, needs most from a relationship. Perhaps clumsily phrased but she’s being very honest about a deep need.

That said, there’s a difference between expressing that need and asking someone to make promises they may not be able to fulfill. Depends on the man. I don’t think it’s wise to have become involved so quickly with a new baby to consider, but it’s probably because she craves that security. It’s difficult to act in a measured, rational manner when you’re so desperate to create that stable environment for yourself.

i would run a mile if a man said to me 'promise you'll never leave me' that would smack of potential controlling behaviour. she may well need a good friend watching her back.

Appears to me she is potentially abusive. If I was him I would run for the hills.

I don't think it will attract abusers but I think she needs to work through her own issues before moving herself and her child in with another man and projecting her insecurities on to him.

Before I met DH, I lived with an ex who just upped and left one day whilst I was at work. I found out through his friends that he'd moved hundreds of miles away and I never saw him again. However, I did speak to him on the phone and he said he didn't love me which destroyed me. We didn't have any children but I vowed to be single and have fun for a while until I'd sorted out my own head.

I think your advice was really good but unfortunately, I think it's one of those situations where you have to let her make her own mistakes.

Your friend frankly needs to get her self esteem up and recover from her previous relationship - she needs something like professional counselling, rather than being completely reliant on the emotional support of someone she just met. If he hasn’t been professionally trained as psychiatrist, you can’t expect that level of support from him even though he’s her boyfriend - he doesn’t have the right knowledge/tools to help her in the way she needs.

Sorry but life isn’t perfect. 1). there’s no guarantee that her new man has good intentions and 2). If he does have good intentions, no guarantee that the relationship will last - so it’s unfair of her to say something like that so early on as it puts so much pressure on him and it sets her own expectations to an impossibly high standard. It’s similar to telling your partner that you want to break up and that you’re not happy, and they in turn threaten suicide if you leave them. It’s manipulative and emotionally abusive. She isn’t doing herself any favours by saying ‘never leave me’ as if he does, she will only be hurt more.

Also I find it very strange that a guy wants to immediately move in with his new girlfriend and her baby - unless he’s about to be homeless it doesn’t make sense. Most people wouldn’t want to move in with a baby, especially when they’ve only know their partner for 6 months.

The whole situation makes me so sad, because I have been there. I used to be so emotionally attached to men/relationships , and be so dependent on them. But that's one thing I've learnt the hard way, and that is to never rely on another human being for your happiness. You need to be happy just being you, a man can make you happy but you can be just as happy without him. He's not there to fill a void, I think when you truly understand that, that is when you can have a healthy relationship with someone.

The problem is people who are so blinded by love like this won't listen, they need to make their own mistakes and kind of "burn" their fingers. I could argue til I'm blue in the face, she just won't listen. All I can do is let her make her own mistakes and learn it the hard way, and just be there for her when it all falls apart. Sometimes we need to have our hearts broken a few times to learn, it's part of life.

yeees - but there's a child involved in this, and this child doesn't need to get their fingers burnt by their mother's emotional dependence on men.

^ It’s true. It’s not a great environment to raise a child. The child needs stability and safety.

Things seem to be moving quite fast between her and her partner and it really seems like she’s reliant on men. It’s not normal to get with every/any man that shows you attention - it’s okay to be selective and wait for the right guy. Is she doing that? Or does she just get extremely attached to anyone that shows her interest? I mean they met online, which is fine, but how well does she really know him? If it’s meant to be, waiting longer before moving in together will only benefit them. Is he ready to be a step-dad or is he just going to ignore the child? Is he moving into her mum’s house? Is he going to be contributing to bills etc? Just seems odd, sorry.