My Dads 70th Birthday

[MondeoFan]

Who is being unreasonable here?

My dad was 70 10ish days ago. He kept saying since last Summer he doesn't want to do anything special for his birthday. My mum kept saying to me that we need to get our thinking caps on about what to do for his birthday. I said how about theatre tickets etc she kept saying no. She says how some people say they don't want to do anything when in reality they do.
Christmas came and went and I text my mum to say there's a new restaurant opened in town so how about we go there on dads birthday. She text back ok, I said lunch or evening to which the reply was evening. I though great as my DDs could come aswell as they would have been at school during the day.
I didn't buy much for my dad either just a couple of token gifts as the plan was to pay for the meal for everyone.
I text my mum a few days before to say I was going to order a birthday cake if she hadn't already sorted it, she said she hadn't.
I ordered a large fresh cream cake and a 70 sign to stick on the top.
I was going to pick the cake up to take to the meal on the evening.
My dad text night before his birthday to say cancel the meal as me and your mum are now going out for the day.
So I finished work and had to drive over there that evening with his cards and present and the balloon I'd got him. I said to him don't you want to go out for the meal dad.
He said he thinks I don't rest enough and it's putting too much on me and I'm always rushing around.
I thought they were just excuses so said to him Dad it would have been fine, I'd planned to bring you a cake at the meal and the girls are disappointed now they won't be celebrating your birthday with you.
I was annoyed with my mum as I think she could have told him everything was already organised and I'd ordered a cake etc. I said to her but mum you knew I'd ordered a cake and she just kept saying she didn't know. She said it was my fault as the birthday should have been organised weeks ago.
I was so upset I didn't even collect the cake I'd paid for, I just left it as it was fresh cream and I wasn't seeing him on his birthday. The plan was to take it to the meal that evening. I was hoping to take a nice photo of him and my girls on his special birthday and put in a frame to give to him.
I haven't heard from them since.
I'm hoping it's not the last time I speak with them.
It was my DDs birthday party the next day and they didn't bother to turn up to the party.
I know they are ok as my brother has spoken with them.
Who is being unreasonable?

They sound very unreasonable and thoughtless. What does your brother make of it all?

Is your mum under the thumb??to be fair he said he didn't want to do anything and you both organised it. Maybe he had a massive go at your mum behind the scenes? But then wraps it up as concern for you. All very strange and a bit miserable. I don't think you really did anything wrong though you were just trying to be nice.

My brother lives in a care home as he has a brain injury so doesn't really understand. But before he acquired his brain injury my parents were difficult at times, not so much my dad but more my mum. My brother has been in the home for 13 years now.

I read that and assumed your mum is the issue. She lied and then blamed you???

Jakeyboy

Yes that might be it. They said they were going to go to London for the day just the two of them

I would have felt hurt by this, you went to a lot of effort and for what ..... but I think the bad guy was your mum. She pushed you by saying we need to get our thinking caps on, people who say they don't want a fuss do etc. She know.him better in than you. You ran all the arrangements via her, and she was happy to let you do it. In future, I would not get involved again. All she had to do was say to your Dad - she had gone through a lot of effort to arrange this come on let's go .....

I would be letting her make her own arrangements in future. If she rings for a thinking cap session tell her 'Not after last time'

Yes I spoke to my friend about this a few days ago and my friend said why are you doing all the arranging anyway? Why isn't she his wife?
The truth is she doesn't have any real access to money. Any money she needs she has to ask my dad for it so it'd be him essentially paying for his own birthday.
My only worry is she had form for being mega stubborn. She didn't speak with her own mum for 3 years until someone in the family died so they started speaking again.
I worry about it affecting my girls.
The fact they didn't turn up to my daughters party I think means they have the hump with me.

Count

Yes I said to my dad but mum knew I was getting a cake. He said but it's hard to talk via text and I said I'd spoken with mum on the phone a couple nights ago.
She just kept saying I didn't know over and over. I think she was caught out and didn't know what to say. But then as usual it's all my fault.

Maybe show your df the cake order? Your dm sounds quite spiteful op.

Well I put the cake topper in with his present. I said sorry dad that was meant to go on your cake so thought I'd just give it to you as didn't know what else to do with it.
As I had a cake topper and no cake.
In the morning I text him Happy Birthday Dad.
He text back- thanks for my cards, present, balloon and cake topper.
I mean it's just weird and perhaps I shouldn't have even mentioned I'd ordered a cake but I was so upset I was actually crying.
My mum just kept staring at the tv like nothing was happening

OP, that sounds horrid for you, but tbh, I think it sounds like there are much bigger problems that your mum is dealing with that aren't anything to do with you or the birthday. Sorry you got the rough end of it, though.

Thanks everyone I'm just really hurt and upset that they didn't bother to come to their own granddaughters birthday party because I was annoyed that my dad had cancelled his birthday meal.
It's going over and over in my head.

Don't be offended but depending on how your relationship is with your mother in general, it could well be that she is competing with you. Sounds weird but happens a lot!

tiggerkid

No I'm not sure what you mean

So you're waiting for them to make contact. Meanwhile they could be sitting waiting for you to make the first contact. You end up with a standoff that goes on and on and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break. For the sake of your DCs relationship with their DGPs, be the one who swallows your pride and go round and see them. I know it hurts that they didn't turn up for your DD party but maybe it was just too soon after the birthday upset and they didn't know where they stood. Reach out with the olive branch OP and make peace .

@tiggerkid I thought the same. My mum is also like this. Little examples like playing my dad and me off against each other for her birthday (eg who did best at effort made), as a teenager cancelling my family birthday activity on the day but then persuading my dad to go and do it on their own a week later and not inviting me. Sadly some parents, even if they act loving most of the time, have very bizarre behaviours!

OP I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. I would think your mum is the one who is and like my dad, your dad is probably an enabler to your mum's behaviour so is also UR.

Yes. My mum is not what you call a woman of the world. She's never worked and doesn't have a bank account. My dad is very frugal and hates spending money unnecessarily. My mum didn't have a good relationship with her mum and think that reflects on how she is now. She can be mean and spiteful and has always given me the impression that whatever I do isn't good enough.
My dad didn't want to do anything for his birthday although my mum reckoned he did and instructed me to sort it. I sorted it by means of a meal and cake and she didn't tell my dad it was all booked even though she knew it was.
We were going at 7.30 and she even started to say my dad can't eat that early but she didn't tell me this before.
One of my DD is only 4 so couldn't really go out to eat at 9pm.
But if I hadn't have bothered I would t have heard the last of it.

CantWaitToRetire

My good friend said to me I should wait for them to initiate contact. It's my mums birthday on Feb 4th so if I don't hear anything I shall go there that day or night before.
My mum can be mean and if she doesn't want to talk to me she will refuse to answer the door. In her head it'll be all my fault and they are totally in the right for not going to the meal.
They let their granddaughters down not once but twice I think. My girls were looking forward to celebrating with their grandad and next day was the birthday party of the youngest one.

I think what you had planned sounded lovely, and I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted it to. I don't like the 'swallow your pride' advice, as I feel this is often the reason why people keep behaving in a thoughtless manner - because they know that the other person will 'give in'. You have been very thoughtful: I think your DF didn't want to go for the meal, was using you 'rushing around' as an excuse (and trying to make it look as though they were refusing to go for YOUR own good), and your DM didn't say anything because she wasn't prepared to say 'actually it was all my idea'. I think you should remember this and if it ever crops up again, tell your DM to make all the arrangements.

I'd just send a card and leave the ball in her court. If she kicks off say she's upset you but more importantly upset the kids.

Piffle11

Thanks and I think that's exactly what did happen.
I just hope it doesn't mean we won't ever speak again. It's always me that goes crawling back and do you know why? It's because I'm scared that if we aren't taking and one of them dies how am I going to feel that we wasn't talking. So I've let them off loads of poor behaviour in the past because of this.
For example my brother had a very serious accident whilst at work and at the time he and my parents weren't talking, it had been 6 months and he nearly died, in fact the hospital told us they were doubtful he would make it. Despite this my parents still haven't learned from this.

Jakeyboy1

This was exactly what I was thinking of doing, sending a card in the post and maybe a text on her actual birthday, it's not a special birthday she will be 68 and I wouldn't normally have seen her as I'd be at work and girls at school it's on a Monday.
My mum can't ever admit when she's wrong this is what makes the situation so difficult