Friends arguing over a charity wish ! I’m not sure which one is being unreasonable but started with me 🙈

[Fuedsandfury25]

Name changed as really outing

I have 2 friends who aswell as me have disable children.
We met in nicu years ago.
I’m really going to try and not to drop feed so bare with me.
( changing a few details )
My Child age 6 has mutiple systemic organ issues / failures. However you would not know if you met them and was fully dressed.
Spends a lot of time requiring treatment and is vulnerable.

Friends 1 DS has chronic health issues including heart / bowels and classes as life limited also.

Friends 2 DD was originally in nicu for being prem and later on diagnosed with a mild form of CP.
2 years ago Her daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

Now we do always try and support each other but the cares do vary significantly for the children - but I live by the Moto that it will effect parent no matter what is wrong with child.
( the children are now also very good friends with one another)
I applied for a wish form a charity for daughter there is a strict criteria, life threatening or critical illness.
The charity rings consultants to verify condititions and ultimately it is down to them however there is a list of conditions that are not included like
Autism
Cerebral palsy ( unless critical )
Diabetes
So it all come ahead when we were outside hospital ( they were visiting daughter ) and I bumped in to consultant the charity were finding it hard to contact. I told him and he said not a worry and gave me an alternative email for them to contact.
This meant friend 1 had asked exactly how you went about it etc
So I filled her in and told her how to do it.
Few weeks passed and friend 2 had decided to try and apply then made a snarky comment when friend 1 was accepted and she wasn’t ( all sounds pathetic right ... correct )
Then it got out of control when friend 2 made a post about how said charity was discriminating against type 1 diabetes, suggesting that it should be classed but in the post suggested it wasn’t fair because that had accepted 2 children ( clearly aimed at ours ) who have been sick for 6 years without actually dieing so how can it only be things that are terminal.

Well friend 1 hit the roof and debated that type 1 diabetes is mostly manageable and unless there was secondary issues to it, ( should state in the 2 years since diagnosis they haven’t been in hospital due to it ) then it wouldn’t been seen as critical or life threatening.

It’s all got out of control in the end, I told them I wasn’t getting involved but they both think I’m being unreasonable for not defending them 😂

So I see it from both sides
It probably is hard when you have a sick child to be told they are not sick enough for a wish but on the other hand it’s maybe hard for parents of “ life limited “ diseases to be told that how can that be possible when they are still alive.

I don’t want to lose both Friends over it especially friend 1 as we are a great suspoort to each other !

It's not like you and friend 1 have made up the criteria for this charity.

Friend 2 IBU.

Try not to take sides though but support each friend as best you can.

However if friend 2 won't drop it, I think you should tell friend 2 it's not yours of friend 1's fault they didn't accept her and it's the charity's choice who they accept.

Friend 2 is behaving horribly. Type 1 diabetes and mild CP are not terminal diseases by a long shot.

I couldn't be friends with someone who was so callous about a terminally sick child to say something so horrible as "if they have lived for 6 years it obviously isn't that terminal".

Anyone who isn't thanking their lucky stars that their child only has Diabetes/ mild CP instead of a terminal disease/condition is awful. Anyone who thinks they should be entitled to a holiday / wish instead of someone with a terminal disease is awful.

I would give friend 2 exactly one chance to apologise and grovel. Otherwise I would be deleting and blocking contact.

I thing friend 1 more hurt at the comment about its been years without dieing more than anything.
She doesn’t want her child around the other friend which makes play dates hard with the 3 children Who are really good friends !

Zoe exactly they I can see it from friends 1 point of view in that stance but then I think maybe she genuinely feels that this is somerhing that effects them and she does tend to use social media as a platform for diabetes and all it entails.
How worrying she will wake up with no child in the morning
So I think her anxiety around it causes her to maybe over analyse the condition.
So I’m trying to see whether I can talk to them both about maybe seeing how the other feels.
Or maybe I should just cut my losses

I agree friend 2 is being v unreasonable. She may be upset but you and your friends acceptance have not impacted her application. Unfortunately charities cannot help everyone, maybe she should appeal to them directly rather than slandering them over social media.

I understand you don't want to lose either friend So maybe speak to both and say you care about each of them but will not take sides or get involved so therefore won't discuss this topic with them in future.

Friend 2 doesn't care about your children. Anyone who could say that about their conditions so callously for material gain is not your friend.

I don't understand how you can look her in the face.

Friend 2 has to accept that Type 1 Diabetes is life impacting but not life limiting, and that she shouldn't be aggrieved that children with life limiting conditions are being given a wish.

So I’m not in the actual social media page although I was shown the post and my initial reaction was :0
Seen as she does know how much we have been through for DD to be here.
I just really try not to as hard as sometimes it is to see any parents upset about health as less than ours although sometimes that’s hard and I think ffs please shut up 🙈
For instance she does ask a lot about what we get in terms of restbite / disability money / etc.

None of my children are sick so I don't speak from experience.

However I think if my child was sick I would do everything I could to ensure they had access to as many benefits as possible, including lobbying charities to expand their scope of work.

I hope in doing so I wouldn't hurt anyone else and it sounds like she's been (very!) thoughtless in her efforts to persuade people that her child should benefit rather than deliberately spiteful

Lougke that was what friend 1 tried telling her I’m pretty much the same words which caused friend 2 to get even more defensive and sharing the risks of what can happen including dieing in sleep from coma.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who described my child living 6 years in negative terms, what an absolute horror she is. I’d ditch her OP, no question

There's not enough money to go round for all illnesses. I'd be walking away from the friendship over that post though.
I had a "wish" through a charity at 21 - the criteria was horrible, there had to be a real chance your die (a lot of my friends did) and the criteria is even tighter now.

There will be charities for kids with type 1 diabetes - maybe help hee look into it?

You are generous to friend 2

She wanted a freebie and was spiteful about your children to point score.

She would be an exfriend and gone. Don't you feel upset she described your child and friend's that way?

I absolutely was shocked and hurt at the comment.
I think it’s hard for me because I have spent years trying to get daughter what she needs because her condition is less known than others that are shown in the media.
So maybe I was cautious of belittling her and worries other their condition.
So tbh or if the 3 which is why I don’t want to sound competitive DD has been the most “ sick “ but I would never want to make anyone with a sick child think I thought we deserved more

Nobody really wants their child to be eligible for such things surely?

From my experience of having to apply to charities for help for disability related things it’s always a double edged sword as it’s a reminder of why you need that help.

Sirzy 100 percent !
I would rather a healthy child than a wish granted.
I think I’m the instance they both have “ unwell “ children but to different degrees.

Friend is disgusting work. I could not be friends with her

I would never speak to friend 2 again if she's made that comment about my child. Disgusting behaviour from her.

It is not a competition, henceforth keep your distance from the bam.

RestBite is my favourite typo of the day!

One of my oldest friend's daughter just died after a long battle. One of my close cousins has a young son with type 1 diabetes, I can't imagine her ever kicking up a fuss that funds to grant "wishes" were privately raised for my friend's daughter but not her son. Why? Because she is grounded in fucking reality!

Friend 2 is completely out of fucking order, it was obvious from the get go that her child didn't qualify. Fucking ridiculous. She should be happy her daughter Doesn't qualify tbh.

I can understand why friend 1 feels let down with you and imo you should have supported her

Birdie Presumably they limit it though as there is not an unlimited amount of money?

Managing type 1 diabetes can be really hard but I don’t think that makes it alright to make it personal. None of you made the rules.

Lots of life long illnesses can be really difficult to manage, especially as a child, but are not terminal.