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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made to feel like an awful friend for not going to hen party abroad?

78 replies

UhAreWeThereYet · 21/01/2019 15:52

(long story short) One of my oldest friends is getting married and is having her hen party abroad. I've said I can't go to 1)seriously can't afford £370 plus spending money 2)its school term time so would have to pay for breakfast club (dd already dies afterschool due to me and DH working).
Was told it was optional to come as she's having a (very posh) 'hen shower' (I'm clueless) in a (very expensive) restaurant 3 weeks before the wedding. I told her I couldn't afford to go but will come to the 'hen shower'. All seemed fine but I've had comments made when we've met up and her fiance actually say 'only her real friends are the ones going away'.ve also noticed I've not been invited to alot of other meet ups since. So really isn't optional is it? At this point Im feeling really uncomfortable and don't want to go to the wedding.

OP posts:
YouokHun · 21/01/2019 17:05

I’m so glad my wedding/hen night attendance days are long gone! Why are some people so grabby, “hen shower”?? Expensive hen extravaganza over a weekend?? Of course people can do what they want as long as they accept others won’t be able to stretch to afford to join them, but to comment when people can’t do these extravagances is plain unkind - I think in your shoes I’d probably not go to any of it, wedding included.

ehohtinkywinky · 21/01/2019 17:05

A hen shower? I've heard it all now. Because people getting married don't get enough gifts already Hmm. Talk about forgetting the point of a wedding, she sounds like a grade A CF.

AnotherShirtRuined · 21/01/2019 17:08

Real friends don't make others get into debt or spend their entire food budget for their own amusement's sake.

YouokHun · 21/01/2019 17:09

She’s probably expecting a gift for her ‘shower’, for the other Hen night, and a wedding present.

Clionba · 21/01/2019 17:13

Some people must have a lot of disposable income.
Me and my friends had hen dos 30-40 years ago and it was usually an evening in a wine bar, or a meal in a restaurant.
Does nobody just do that anymore?

BasinHaircut · 21/01/2019 17:19

The last of my close friends married last year.

Thank fuck that’s over is all I can say! Sick of the relentlessness of weddings. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good wedding (the actual day) but the rest of it I’m completely done with.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/01/2019 17:21

Me and my friends had hen dos 30-40 years ago and it was usually an evening in a wine bar, or a meal in a restaurant

^This

The escalation of hen/stag nights into overpriced foreign trips and of weddings into expensive three ring circuses isn't progress.

If you have a destination wedding/hen do then not everyone will be able to attend so you have a simple choice - is celebrating with your friends more or less important than an expensive trip?

If the trip takes priority over the friends' attendance then fair enough but snubbing them because they can't afford it isn't the mark of a genuine friend.

BBCONEANDTWO · 21/01/2019 17:22

Even if you had the money you can't always get the time off and if it was me I would never go on a hen weekend abroad. I'd rather spend my annual leave and money going away with really close friends or OH.

You're definitely not in the wrong here - she is.

Original poster
UhAreWeThereYet · 21/01/2019 17:26

Bluntness you don't happen to be my friend do you? Haha, just joking. I'm not going to list them, I've not been invited to coffee/lunch/meet ups because 'they know money's tight and don't want me to feel bad about saying no' it's the tone and manner things are said, along with 'Sally (friend who is going and not actual persons name) is a single mum and she's managed to come, you could get it (£) together if you really wanted to (Sally's dd and ds are 19 and 17), general passive aggreive things.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 21/01/2019 17:26

It sounds like they are weeking out their friends according to income. Sad

Drum2018 · 21/01/2019 17:27

Clionba I went as far as travelling to the area where the majority of my friends and family lived to have my hen, so that nobody had to pay for accommodation. We had a meal in a restaurant/bar/disco. Gone are the days ...

YouokHun · 21/01/2019 17:28

Me and my friends had hen dos 30-40 years ago and it was usually an evening in a wine bar, or a meal in a restaurant.
Does nobody just do that anymore?

I’m hoping the quiet majority just gets on with a simple night out and we don’t hear about them because their friends don’t need to post on MN in desperation.

Clionba · 21/01/2019 17:30

That's nice Drum, and I bet your friends were appreciative.
I've got fantastic memories of great evenings in a little wine bar, or a local Italian restaurant etc.
A lovely night out, bank not broken, nobody excluded.

Clionba · 21/01/2019 17:31

YouokHun - yes, I hope so too!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2019 17:34

So making you feelbad and singling you out, that's not nice.

danceyourselfsilly · 21/01/2019 17:42

I have a vision of a load of wet chickens...
they sound awful tbh and probably fb addicts
If she is an old friend I would still go to the wedding and then maybe rethink your friendship?

Jaxhog · 21/01/2019 17:44

As several people have said, she's no friend. And if you lose her as a friend, it'll be no great loss. Let her throw her money around if she wants to. You don't have to do it too.

I've never understood this whole showing off, overseas, hen party, bridal shower, 50k wedding in a marquee stuff. It shouldn't be about who can spend the most money, but about celebrating a wonderful occasion with your best friends. And going somewhere that suits everyone.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2019 17:56

I woulden't be surprised if they are all talking about you behind your back, if they are like that to your face, how are they like when you are not there! And bride badmouthing you to them. I would not be surprised if they have not go a whatsapp group set up without you in it.

TulipsInbloom1 · 21/01/2019 17:58

If it comes up with her I'd probably just say something like "sorry I didn't realise I had to pay to be your friend. See you round"

pootleposeyperkin · 21/01/2019 18:05

Hen shower = wanky bollocks. I'd swerve the whole nonsense if I were you.

HazelBite · 21/01/2019 18:15

I've just had to Google "Hen Shower"
The clue is in the word shower ,no doubt there will be a gift list for this!

Applesaregreenandred · 21/01/2019 18:48

Threads like this make me glad that I married in the early 90's when a Hen Do was a meal and a night out at a local night club!

IdleBetty · 21/01/2019 19:44

Sounds a bit Mean Girls to me, bitching behind your back.

They are not your friends.
Head up and move on, you don't need people like that in your life.

IsItThatTimeAgain · 21/01/2019 19:54

Sometimes it takes a wedding to realise a "friend" is actually a selfish bitch. :/

Ownerofalittlechimp · 21/01/2019 19:59

I second what the majority are saying here, head up, ignore, you aren't the problem here op.

FWIW I've been in a similar situation except if was the CB that caused the issues. What started off as a reasonably priced night away quickly spiralled to a mega bucks weekend in a city we live 20 minutes from. I had to save hard for the original planned cost but when that went from £120 - £600 without any food/drinks or taxis i had to decline. The guilt texts, emails & PA Facebook comments were ridiculous & i was ignored by both bride & CB at the wedding even when congratulating etc. Funnily enough i don't see either of them anymore