to ask posters who have had expensive hen parties abroad...why?

[Carnivaloftheanimals]

You read so many threads on here where posters are complaining about the cost and inconvenience of these expensive affairs. I have also heard people in RL bemoaning the expense, the pressure to attend, the having to take annual leave from work etc.

So I do wonder why brides continue to have these expensive shindigs when they must be aware that it means at least some of the group being put under pressure to attend when they can't afford it, or not being able to go when they could attend something a bit simpler and cheaper?

DH had his stag do abroad, he and his friends still laugh about it 15 years later. It worked out for them.

A friend of 10+ years stopped talking to me because I turned down her invite to a hen party abroad. I would not have been able to afford it. She said I was selfish and didn't value her friendship and could have borrowed the money if I really wanted to be part of her "process".
So for the price of £0 I found out her true colours!
(I was de-invited from the wedding with a very dramatic text about how only those with positive vibes were allowed, too).

*But also on here are the people who have a problem with it.

You don’t hear people saying “Been invited to a hen do abroad. Sounds great. Looking forward to it*

This! ^^

Also mostly the people who think that how they feel is someone else's fault/responsibility.

@YeahSorryBoutThat - THAT is utterly mental – what a shame!

because it's a common decision, everyone in the group has fairly similar finances, and everybody had a blast! No one is forced to attend. I'd rather spend money to go in a sunny destination and enjoy myself than trecking to some random English town, have a pub crawl in grotty places and end up in a tacky night club. That for me is a waste of money. I just decline when I am invited to such event, not big deal.

My very best invitation was to a hen in Las Vegas, it wasn't cheap but it was fabulous.

I had a hen AND my wedding abroad

I think it's ok if it's somewhere relatively cheap and you'd choose to holiday with the group anyway - I've done that before and it was great!
But I've also paid for flights to Dublin, only to discover that the bride had double booked herself and had another wedding to go to so the hen weekend was cancelled (I still went to Dublin and had a good time, even though I was by myself - met up with a friend there and had a laugh)

I didn't have a hen party (as they are now) at all - but I had friends come and stay the night at mine the day before the wedding, and a couple of other female friends came over too, so we had a more old-fashioned "hen party" the night before the wedding with snacks, wine, and lots of chatting and laughs. That was totally spontaneous and I really appreciated it.

I can't be doing with the fancy expensive weekend/week aways now though!

My hen do is tomorrow - my friends are taking me out for lunch! That's it. But then DP and I are running off on our own to get married so it would be weird to have a massive hen do abroad.

IMO the bride / groom remain responsible for the cost and hassle to guests of these dos, even if others organise them.

I once didn’t attend a close friend’s hen do abroad because of fertility treatment, and some friends made negative comments about it, which I ignored.

DH attended a fair few high cost stag dos: he enjoys travelling, socialising and boozing and at the time could afford the money and annual leave.

In my experience part of the problem is often that a lot of people do like them - when they're young, have a decent disposable income, and - crucially - don't have children. So it's common for the first few hen or stag dos in a friendship group to be pretty big and elaborate and for no one to mind. The problem comes when it's hen do number 10 and most of the invitees have young children and are a long way past their own weddings. At that point no one really fancies that trip abroad any more, but it feels a bit shit to be like 'well, we were all happy to go to Barcelona for Lucy, but we thought for yours we'd go to Pizza Express?'

You're getting a skewed sample. You'll never see an AIBU that says "My friend has invited me to her hen do abroad and I can afford it and am really looking forward to it." Or "I can't go on the hen weekend but my friend says it's fine, it would make her feel terrible if I was putting myself under financial pressure to go and I'm still her bestie." We only get the stories where someone is being...well...unreasonable!

I think sometimes it's not much to do with the bride and more to do with the main of honour/ bridesmaids.

I couldn't go to SIL's as it was abroad and far too expensive for me. She knew nothing about it, her bridesmaids arranged it all. Another was arranged more locally but even that was also too expensive for me. As far as I know she didn't think badly of me for not going!

Personally I'd hate to think of any of my friends worrying about money or missing out because the plans are too expensive. I'd rather do something cheap and cheerful if it meant my friends could all attend.

Some people actually love to go on holiday with their friends! It’s hardly shocking!! A hen is just an excuse. Nobody is forced to go and with foreign hens the expectation is that people won’t want to go for various reasons and that’s ok too.

I went to Rome for my hen do, it was somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and I approached quite a small group of friends (my oldest friends from school and University, think there were about 7 of us in total), to gauge whether it would be something they'd be interested in. They all claimed to want to do it, and I had a fabulous weekend. Only 1 of us was married, and she also had a young child, so props to her for still coming, the rest of us were all young and unencumbered with other commitment.

I'm going back to Rome for the first time since then this summer (almost 20 years later), and again I can't wait. Going with my family though this time.