To think my sister needs to start putting her foot down re all these Hen Parties

[flightofthedoves]

My sister is at an age when a lot of her friends are getting married. Invariably the Hen Parties involve either flights abroad or weekends in expensive spa hotels. On top of her own expenses she is often expected to chip in for the bride as well.

It's starting to really get to her as she's paying a mortgage on her own and just can't afford all these Hen Holidays. She has tried to bail out of a couple of them but always got a really disappointed 'oh, but you're one of her best friends. She'll be so disappointed if you don't come" or "oh it won't be the same without you. It's my hen. I want all my friends there" type response.

It's go to the stage where she's had to borrow money from my parents to go to one at Easter and has had to cancel plans to visit our other sister in America this Summer because all her money is going on trips here and there for various brides.

AIBU to think that she really needs to just start putting her foot down, regardless of disappointed long faces from the bride or MOH? If everyone's attendance was really that important then they should show a bit of consideration and common sense when planning these ridiculous affairs.

YABU to think its anything to do with you!

You just politely say no everytime. Be consistent don't waiver and that's. She's obviously too nice.

She's my sister baby and was talking to me about it and how much stress it's causing.

Gosh yes babysharkah how dare the OP be concerned about her sister and the financial stress she's being put under. Why doesn't she just go around in a little isolated bubble with no concern for anyone in her family?

OP YANBU. These hen parties are getting totally out of control and, as you said, a lot of them tend to come along at the same time for women in their late twenties and thirties, making the cost even more difficult.

YANBU, OP. Your sister needs to learn not to people please. She will, in time.

It is tricky, the same happened to me around 27-29, it seemed all my close friends got married and I had 3-4 a year. It was quite a strain financially (and sometimes mentally, if you’re using annual leave/helping plan them!). Fortunately mine were all relatively low cost in the UK. I only had one abroad and it was very cheap 3 day city break and we didn’t pay for the bride’s share.
It is hard as you love these people and want to celebrate with them and it’s easy to get caught up. I didn’t want to let anyone down but it was quite expensive when they all added up, I didn’t have a holiday one year because of it. One saving grace was that often the organisers would book in different stages – accom, then activities, then money for online shop etc. It meant I got to pay over a few months rather than a lump sum. So I managed after some careful budgeting, but I know it’s not possible for everyone though.

Some people I knew compromised, if it was a 2 night stay in an Airbnb they would only stay for one, or they’d skip the activities and stay in the accom during that time. This meant they didn’t pay the full cost but were still there for at least part of the hen. Does your sister have that option?

I got chatting to my orthodontist nurse during the time and she was attending a big blow out hen in Marbella – luxe villa, VIP wristbands, AND they were all paying for the bride. She had to get out a credit card to pay for it! Which is shocking. I never had it that badly.

"Your sister needs to learn not to people please. "

This ^^

I have never been able to understand why people are too embarrassed to say they can't afford something. In my world people do say this and don't get guilt tripped into doing something they can't afford.

My line (which I have never had to use, but would if necessary) is "don't guilt trip me into doing something I can't afford". These hen dos are becoming more ridiculous because too many people don't stand up for themselves and decline expensive invitations.

It's go to the stage where she's had to borrow money from my parents to go to one at Easter and has had to cancel plans to visit our other sister in America this Summer because all her money is going on trips here and there for various brides.

More fool your parents for enabling this situation.

Your sister has several options, all of which involves saying no. Until she learns to do that, this will be a monkey on her back.

"I cant afford it" repeat ad infinitum.

YANBU, OP. Perhaps you could have a chat with your sister and explain to her that true friends would not want to cause her financial hardship or put her in debt as a test of her worthiness as a friend. Support your sister in saying "No", give her some tips and things to say to the ones who are applying pressure/guilt tripping her.

She definitely does need to say she can't afford it - do you think it's because they are making her feel guilty that she caves in, or do you think she actually doesn't want to miss out? If it's the former, she needs to just tell them straight - if it's the latter, she's always going to have to borrow etc until someone says no

Some people I knew compromised, if it was a 2 night stay in an Airbnb they would only stay for one

I floated the idea of doing this at one hen as it partially clashed with a pre-paid course I was doing. Got a sharply worded email in response from the bride, who I've known for donkey's years and who I generally consider a reasonable person. Hens send women loopy sometimes.

Politely declining is the only sensible thing to do if it's putting strain on your finances or other arrangements; while I agree the OP's sister needs to start turning down invitations, it may well cause problems. I don't see a way round it really.

If more people said 'no' and stuck to it, refusing to be emotionally blackmailed, then perhaps these extravagant, expensive and inconvenient hen dos would start to die a death.

Your sister can't be everyone's best friend so all this "oh but you're one of her best friends....." is just a tactic by some bridesmaids. They've probably said the same to half a dozen other reluctant hens.

If a bride directly tries to pressure her she should stick to her guns but say she really would like to celebrate with the bride and will take her out for a meal before the wedding. She might even find a couple of other hens willing to join in and make it a group meal out.

But no, she definitely shouldn't feel pressured into borrowing money and cancelling her Summer plans for these hen parties.

Tell her it's time to grow up, put herself first and learn to say a very firm no. If she says no to them all from now on the relief will be huge. If she's pushed for an explanation let her say 'really, a detective wouldn't ask me that' while looking baffled. Really and truly, after the event does anyone care who was there and who wasn't? But if she continues to put her finances in jeopardy she'll be suffering for months afterwards.

There's another lengthy thread about hen parties at the moment.

I will not, on principle, go to any stag do that involves staying away even in the UK. It's totally unnecessary.

But at the end of the day, it's free choice. Your sister needs to learn the word no. Quite honestly, your sister is being fucking stupid borrowing money and cancelling things she wants to do to go on all these hen dos.

If they try to guilt-trip her into saying yes when she's already said no, try this - 'hard cheese, pal' or 'tough shit, mate' if you prefer.
Toughening up is something I've learned as I've got older and saying no gets easier with practice. If I can do it ... anyone can.

“I can’t afford it”.
End of.

“I don’t have any annual leave left for it”.
Also end of.

This is not the fault of the brides, they can do what they like. (I wouldn’t and didn’t, but it’s their choice)

I expect sometimes the guilt trip isn’t that bad - half coming from your sister being bad at saying no.

If you’re good at saying no then “oh no, please come - she’ll really want you there” is flattering and a little irritating. Not a full on guilt trip. You just say “ah, it’s such a shame - wish I could win the lottery!” Then carry on with no fucks given. I believe that level of guilt felt is more about ourselves that what’s actually said.

Once your sister develops her spine a bit more, I bet she doesn’t even feel the same guilt!

I agree that she just needs to be firm. "I'm so sorry, I am really sad as I would honestly love to come, but with a mortgage now, I really just can't afford it".

I think the problem is more likely that your sister really does want to go and not miss out and therefore just can't say no.

If these brides to be are any sort of friend, they will understand your sisters position and not ruin a friendship over a drunken night/weekend away. I have never been on a hen night/weekend away simply because I couldn't afford it. Everyone was clear about that and no friendships were lost.
So yes, you are right that your sister needs to learn to stand up for herself more and learn that No means No when she says it!

" Invariably the Hen Parties involve either flights abroad or weekends in expensive spa hotels"

That's the problem isn't it?

Especially these brides that go ahead with the expectation that they'll be paid for.

But yes, "no" is the only answer if it can't be afforded-or even if you just don't want to!

I agree with the PP who said that your sister may well want to go, so isnt saying no for that reason, and then moaning about the "pressure" put on her to justify borrowing from parents and cancelling on your sister. Because otherwise it looks a bit, well..... selfish.

She needs to be honest with herself, and you, in order to accept the true solution which is "Work out a realistic budget that can be spent on travel in a year and then divide it between the trips she wants to go on. If there isnt enough for them all then prioritise and politely decline those that are financially impossible."

It will be an absolute blessing when more people decline to participate in these ridiculous stag and hen events because perhaps the brides and grooms to be might just give their heads a wobble and invite their mates out on a night out.

You know, dinner, a few drinks and a dance. That’s enough.

She’s got the best ‘out’ if she can’t face being straight: I’m saving to visit my ds in the States. It’s an obviously expensive trip which trumps a hen night. Added to that, she’s visiting her ds, so that tops a glorified spa day and piss up. I’d just say can you pay for me then to whoever feels that can’t manage to have fun without me (expecting them to immediately come to their senses).

I totally agree Matilda. Likewise the destination weddings/weddings in castles in the middle of nowhere/weddings followed by next day barbecues and parties.