to talk to mother about alcohol

[trob22]

For the past few years I have been vaguely concerned about how much my mother drinks and now in the last few months I have got properly concerned. I really hope this does not come across as preachy/judgemental, I am very concerned. Long post, warning.

I would say AT LEAST three quarters of a bottle of wine every day, quite often a LOT more. I don't think she's gone a day without drinking in years. To be selfish for a moment, it's really annoying staying with someone who gets tipsy (repetitive, anxious, boring) every evening, and it's annoying knowing there's no point phoning her after about 9pm because she'll be too tipsy to have a sensible conversation.

One thing that really concerned me was that recently she had a stomach bug and could hardly ate anything all day (just some biscuits and a small bowl of soup)...but still had a few glasses of wine. Surely that's not normal??

Another thing...so it was Christmas, then New Year, then a landmark wedding anniversary for her and my dad, so I was telling myself, this isn't a problem, everyone drinks a lot at those occasions. Then the day after the anniversary party (when she got so drunk she was almost falling over) she had wine at lunch and dinner...also surely not normal? So my hope that she would lay off a bit after the celebration season were clearly wrong.

I know she has had a stressful life (horrible up-bringing) and has had to deal with a lot of problems in her family over the last few years. I used to think "if anyone deserves a drink it's her" but right now I am just worried about her health. (She has stomach and skin problems which I'm sure are worse by the alcohol) Also I've recently learnt that apparently it's "common knowledge" in the family that "the alcoholic gene" ran in her mother's family (nobody told me).

BUT she holds down a good job, doesn't drink and drive, doesn't drink in the mornings...which is why I wonder if I am being paranoid?

Please tell me IANBU for being worried about this? How do I talk to her about this without sounding critical/judgmental? I am far from a clean-living guru myself...

Bumping this for you op. Hopefully someone will be along with advice.

How long has it been going on for and does she drink more than she used to?

Just wanted to say I feel for you. The same has happened with my DPs mum, it is very upsetting for him but he doesn't know how to bring it up.

I’m no stranger to a drink but that amount would worry me.
I’d like to think that I’m close enough to my mum that we could have a conversation about something like that but I suspect that there would be a risk of them going on the defensive and then hiding the drinking from you.
Maybe you could go to the AA website? I’m sure I’ve heard that they help people who live with/are related to people with drunk issues. Maybe they could suggest a way of bringing the subject up without it sounding accusatory?x

My husband drinks this way. He’s just started reading ‘this naked mind’ by Annie hall and is actually thinking about stopping drinking altogether, something I never thought I’d hear him say after his drinking has nearly destroyed our marriage. Might be worth a try?

Sorry Annie grace not Annie hall!

Stay out of it. A conversation will not in any realm lead to a positive outcome.

YANBU to worry about her. About 90% of alcoholics are "functional", meaning they hold down jobs and are able to have a reasonable daily life. YABU to confront her about it. Unless she WANTS to change, she won't. You might benefit from seeing if there is an Al-Anon or Adult Children Of Alcoholics meeting in your area. These are for loved ones and children of someone who has a drinking problem.

Al Anon is the best resource for concerned friends and family.

You don’t have to have vodka on your cornflakes to be an alcoholic and there are lots of humungous flags in your post.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

Have you spoken to your Dad about this? I wonder if acknowledges she has a drink problem? Perhaps you could talk to her together

Depending on the period of time that passes between her last drink at night and driving early morning, she may well be over the limit.

I'm now nine years sober and while making her aware of the risk of loosing her licence may be reasonable, I have to tell you that she will not stop drinking until she wants to and there is nothing you can do to get her to that point.

I echo other posters advising that you go to Al-Anon or ACOA.

You're already modifying your own behaviour to accommodate her addiction - please get yourself some support around this.

I could have typed this out as being my mother. I never phone her on an evening as I know she will be drunk. Sad really, no idea what to do but the times I have brought it up it ends in tears.

Op please go to Al Anon. You cannot stop your mother drinking but Al Anon will help you.

I know quite a few people who drink like that. You have every reason to worry but it might be difficult to discuss. Have you discussed it with your dad?

As many have said already, get some help yourself by way of support. I went to local Al-Anon meetings for a while and wished I'd have discovered them sooner.

My mum was an alcoholic and died from an alcohol related illness 11 years ago. It impacted on me and my siblings and my dad.

@riaparkinson71 Sorry for late response, thanks so much for bumping it. Really appreciated.