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Original poster

Crying at school gates

49 replies

bagelthinsareyummy · 21/01/2019 10:13

Posting here for traffic. DS has recently started a preschool attached to a school. He was clinging and crying his eyes out this morning and I had to pride him off me. Any tips to help us both deal with this? It's horrible.

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steppemum · 21/01/2019 11:46

well, from everything you have said, your pre-school is expecting kids to behave as if they are at school.

There is a world of difference between 3 and 5, and the setting should reflect that.

I would be concerned that that 'school' ethos continued in the classroom.

I would be looking for a different setting

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2019 11:50

The teacher sounds unkind and the school too strict. My dd would not have coped with this. Is it private? I would try somewhere else tbh. Dd was the last child in the class to settle and it went on into yr1. I took her in the cloakroom then after a couple of months the ta would arrive to take her by the hand.

I have since read about the hug button. It sounds like a really good idea.

Original poster
bagelthinsareyummy · 21/01/2019 12:00

Ironic as one of reasons I picked this school was because it has a very caring reputation. Parents seem to praise its nurturing side, but I'm not seeing it. Maybe it's just a difference between nursery and preschool. I get the concept of getting them school-ready, but ffs it's not school, it's preschool! I hate concept of making the kids be older than they are.
Preschool places are like gold dust around here - he's been on a wait list for ages and this doesn't even offer free hours - the free hours ones are like diamond dust! He runs into his childminder very happily. She has no more space and his previous nursery space will have gone. Long waitlists for most childcare around here.
Uniform thing does seem a bit up itself, but thought I'd suck that up. His bag is so stupidly big that he struggles to walk at a normal speed with it, so I end up carrying it. At his nursery he had a small toddler paw patrol bag which he loved carrying. I feel judged by school when I give him his bag at drop off, but it's designed for much older kids and is same size that the 11 year olds wear! Uniform rules are a bit bonkers when something is too big to carry comfortably.

OP posts:
Original poster
bagelthinsareyummy · 21/01/2019 12:04

LOVE the hug button. Thanks. Will try that (and hope that school allow it if it doesn't flout nursery rules)!

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Original poster
bagelthinsareyummy · 21/01/2019 12:04

Uniform not nursery

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myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 21/01/2019 12:08

DD went through a small phase of this. They prised her off me and told me to wait around the corner and listen out. Within seconds of me leaving, she had stopped crying, so I knew that she was ok. The longer you hang around the worse it will be, so you need to reassure yourself that he really will settle down once you aren't there.

Original poster
bagelthinsareyummy · 21/01/2019 12:10

I've heard that before. I hope so - would probably feel better if could "listen out", but can't! I really hope so. Feel such a shit!

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Nicecupofcoco · 21/01/2019 12:23

I've worked in preschools and I do understand the pre school teacher encouraging you to drop and go, but she worded it terribly!
From previous experience it is best not to hang around, as hard as it is, I've seen parents come in to settle, they will play with them for ten minutes or so and as soon as they leave there are still tears unfortunately. Also sneaking off once the child is playing, usually leaves the child upset as soon as they notice. I honestly do think it's kindest to talk positively about pre school, walk them to gate, and tell them you will be back to collect soon, tell him to have lots of fun, and say good bye. Keep it short if you can, I do know it's hard, but it will get easier, they do all settle, some just take a little longer then others.
Failing that you need a very understanding pre school teacher, could she maybe distract him straight away? Tell him she's been waiting for him to arrive to come do a special job with her? Setting up an activity, or snack area? Talk to them about your concerns if your finding it hard, they should be able to work with you and your ds to support him at drop off. Good luck with it! He will hopefully be running in before you know it! Smile

Mookatron · 21/01/2019 12:23

I pretended to put some kisses in DD's pocket and said she could take some out whenever she missed me which I think worked OK. The hug button sounds even better though.

I'm guessing they won't allow a transition object like a teddy? One of my DD's teachers did and DD found that very helpful.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 21/01/2019 12:25

Yes, DD always took a toy to preschool (and beyond for insecurity issues) and I told her that the teddy was full of cuddles, and that all she had to do was cuddle that and it would be like cuddling me.

Just a small one, like a Beany Boo type thing.

pudcat · 21/01/2019 12:41

Good gracious - this sounds far too strict in all ways for preschool and you are having to pay for it. If the teacher is like this in front of parents what is she like when they have gone. Is there not anywhere attached to a primary school that you can send him to?

StartedEarly · 21/01/2019 13:02

How old is he? This sounds awful for a pre -school. The settling in should be similar to a nursery setting rather than comparable to primary school.
I would take him out until he's a little older and ready for proper school.

RomaineCalm · 21/01/2019 13:02

Been there and it's so very hard and I cried more times than I'd like to admit as DC was walked off down the corridor wailing.

What worked for us was a very simple chart at home with pictures to talk through the drop off process:

Step 1 - Walk to school
Step 2 - Say good morning to teacher at gate
Step 3 - Hang up coat and bag
Step 4 - Say goodbye quickly
Step 5 - Go and sit on the carpet

We talked it through using the same same words every morning as we did it... "so now we say good morning to Mrs Teacher... so now we go and hang up our coat and bag... so now..."

For every morning that went quite well DC earned a sticker and on Friday we went to choose a treat.

It took a few weeks but it did work. I saw DC's nursery teacher the other day and they said they couldn't believe how grown up and confident DC now was in senior school and those early, horrible weeks seem like a lifetime ago!

FlowersFlowersFlowers

GoldenSyrupLion · 21/01/2019 13:08

It all sounds a hit hard-ass for preschool. They're not Year 1s FFS.

HildaZelda · 21/01/2019 13:10

My God, that sounds so strict for a pre school. They're just tiny little kids at that age. Uniforms and big bags seems so OTT (what do they even have in the bags??!)
I'm not surprised your poor DS is unsettled :(

hickerydickerydockmouse · 21/01/2019 13:13

This sounds like a horrible school! No settling in, no personal toys and no teachers helping kids to settle in? I wouldn't send my kid to a school like that. My kids pre school here have settling in period. Children are allowed to bring a comfort toy for the first week or so to help them calm down. If the kids are still clingy and crying the teachers gently take the kid off parent, comfort the kid, tell the parent to leave and then try to get the child busy in something to distract them. Your kid's school doesn't follow a gentle technique to make children comfortable in a new environment .

GoldenSyrupLion · 21/01/2019 13:24

You can change preschools and still apply for a reception place at this school of it's better further up.

micromanager1 · 21/01/2019 13:57

I remember struggling with this as a child at nursery. The thing that worked was being able to take the power back. The reason it was so awful was because it was the feeling of being abandoned by your parents and uncertainty about the rest of the day.

At my nursery, we pushed our parents out over the threshold. I know this sounds weird, but it was such good fun. When it was time for my mum to leave me at nursery, I would walk her to the door and "shove" her out. She would ham it up and pretend I had super human strength, which made her jump up in the air and out the door.

It was fun, and it meant we were no longer upset that we were left, because we had been the ones to initiate the departure.

Spudlet · 21/01/2019 14:07

DS is at preschool but it's nothing like this! I stayed for a little while on his first session to make sure he was happy (he was off and running straight away to be fair), there's no uniform and the staff are all very kind and caring. His key person carried him into the nativity play because he was a bit overwhelmed and when it came to his little solo slot (all the children got a go with the mic) all the staff ran over and joined in with him so he wasn't all on his own. Unsurprisingly he is very happy there and is coming on in leaps and bounds. When we drop them off we go right in with them to make sure their lunchboxes etc are on the trolley, and get them all settled before we leave. It's a very kind environment for small children, and they all seem very happy there.

Honestly, I'd look around for alternatives.

Jux · 21/01/2019 14:33

Choose a special button and sew it on the inside of a cuff, tell himthat he can squeeze (or touch) it quiwtly when he's scared/lonely/upset and his favourite toy will come and sit on his shoulder, but it will be invisible so nobody knows.

motheroftinydragons · 21/01/2019 14:57

My dd has recently started a playgroup attached to the primary school she'll be going to. She's almost three. We did a few settling in sessions before Christmas where I stayed but sat well back to get her used to the room etc.

The first few days she cried when I left her or at intervals through the day. The teachers were great. They've suggested she takes her comforter in to snuggle when she feels sad which has helped. I've been taking her in, cheerful as you like, getting her coat off and then leaving with a happy smiley 'bye bye see you later' and a wave. They bring her to the window to wave to me and she's slowly settling. Last two sessions she's not cried at all. The first few she screamed and threw a fit. I also cried once I got back to the car like a big softy. You feel so guilty don't you! The teachers did say (nicely) to me not to hang around though, as it only makes it worse. They also rang me half hour after I left the first few days to assure me that she'd settled down.

I'm a sahm though and my DD has never been left with anyone other than DH and her grandparents (who she is more than happy to be left with). So I was expecting it to be an adjustment for her. She's only doing 9 hours a week and the only reason I'm even sending her is because I think it's cruel not to get her used to that environment, the different boundaries it brings (home is all free play, this is a little more structured which dd is having to get used to) and being left before she starts compulsory education. Hopefully a year and a half at this playgroup/preschool and she'll be more than happy to start school (we will increase her hours to the funded 15 once she turns three).

Just remember - it's for their own good!

Original poster
bagelthinsareyummy · 21/01/2019 15:43

I've given him an invisible kiss to keep in his pocket. Hope this will help

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Original poster
bagelthinsareyummy · 21/01/2019 17:31

Thanks for the link. Might put a photo of the teacher on the fridge, even if that feels a bit weird! Every little helps!

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